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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for money from in-laws whilst their son stays?

238 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 26/02/2025 21:27

Just wondering what people’s takes on this are. We have my husbands little brother (he’s 13) stay over at our house in some of the school holidays. Purely because he just likes to be with us and he will stay for around a week. Also our nephew comes too and so when we have to fork out food for both of them (especially things like McDonald’s) it adds up!
so we usually ask for a bit of money whilst he’s here just for things like snacks/treat night when we get a McDonald’s. I usually ask for £10-£20. Not that this matters but we are a low income family and they know that, we love having him with us but I just feel it’s the principal of it that they should give at least £10 to cover some things? Aibu? His dad said no because we are family we shouldn’t ask for money but I think they should offer! I wouldn’t send my children for a week and not give any money

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 28/02/2025 01:36

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 22:54

Please go to this child and explain it to him. I am sure you are Pro at this Lol

Any time you like. It is really not hard. The word you need is ‘No’.

saffronspices · 28/02/2025 01:30

I think they're taking the piss, you're not a child minder. There's obviously a few things you're not happy about and I'd feel the same. Is there any reciprocating going on - do relatives babysit or look after your children/sleepovers etc? As for McD's & takeaways - they're expensive, we don't have them anymore. If you've got 3 under 6 they don't eat that much so whoever comes to stay is an expense. It sounds like you're being used so you need to sit down and decide what you're prepared to do for free - relatives or not.

Longdarkcloud · 28/02/2025 00:21

@Lyraloo the OP answered that question pages back RTWT. Besides the other children don’t stay as regularly and nor have their parents so blatantly taken the p—.
It seems OP that not all posters realise that some households have very little margin for extras nor that their children are as entitled to the occasional treat as those from more comfortably placed families. It reminds me of people who scrutinise the baskets of people on benefits at the supermarket, tut tutting when they spot a packet of chocolate biscuits or bottle of soft drink.
OP you sound a delightfully warm and hospitable “auntie” to your young relatives and your children must enjoy growing up in such a sociable child friendly home. Your in laws are cold and unreasonable and unlikely to change

Lyraloo · 27/02/2025 23:50

What about the nephew, who is paying for him and is he your nephew or DH’s?

Haveanopinion · 27/02/2025 23:46

Yeah, they get child benefit to cover the cost of feeding their kid and seem to be transferring that cost to you without transferring any of that benefit

Mumoffourbrats · 27/02/2025 23:37

I think it depends on your relationship. Now if it was my sister I wouldn't ask but I know she would offer and vice versa.

If it was my husbands sister or brother I wouldn't ask because I'd see that as his responsibility. My husband is Asian and I know for a fact he would never ask ( it would go against his values, culture etc) he always says when it comes to food you should never be tight.

I think if you're on a low income. Just cook some thing nice and home made something that will go further rather than splashing out on McDonalds.
If your husband is saying it's fine leave it it's his brother then he can't be too concerned. If you are struggling financially to keep them then maybe ask your husband to have a word about sending some extra food round. If he won't are you close enough to feel comfortable asking?

Ultimately your decision hope you get it sorted Smile

IainTorontoNSW · 27/02/2025 23:09

Let me say, @Lilacbluewaters that I do NOT see you as cold-blooded or tight-arsed or mean. I happen to be the eldest sibling (of quite a lot) and back in the 1960s, I watched one of my uncles (mum's brother) and his wife, realised that kids don't eat for free nor create much wealth.

It was watching him and his wife that I took in a well-learned lesson. Whenever K & F took their kids to a family gathering they would bring a cooler-box/Esky well stocked with fresh foods and milk/dairy products ... Uncle K was a milkman in the day. If relatives Including grandparents invited his kids to stay on for a few days, a week or whatever, the contents of the Esky/cooler-box were handed over to the family of the people getting my cousins.

Uncle K commented that he knew kids ate so he made sure he catered for a slab of their upcoming food needs.

Later on, as he aged and prospered he'd leave $5-$10 per couson per day with the "receiving family".

= = = =

Come the 1980s, my mother loved seeing her grandkids OFTEN, very often and she would even pre-offer childcare for days my (then) wife and I were at work on weekdays. We would routinely give my mum $20 whenever one child stayed their daily or overnight or $30-$35 if both stayed.

Mum hinted repeatedly that she'd do it for free just to enjoy the company of her grandkids but we always said, like Uncle K, that no-one should be out-of-pocket by much for being 'nice' to our kids and us.

We went without a lot to wind our mortgage down but we kept up this standard for over 15 years.

= = = =

One day, one of my less grateful siblings asked aloud at a family gathering why mum would not pick his kids up from school (15km or 10 miles) 'at speed' when he and his wife were at work. He then brought up my name and said, "Well, you seem to be so keen to have Iain's kids at your house and take them places."

Mum, while being diplomatically quiet for a few minutes, got sick of the verbal attack on her generosity of time (and perceived favouritism of me or my kids), finally said, "well, Beelzebub, you ought to know that Iain and his wife drop off money and groceries whenever his kids stay at my place for daycare; you and Mrs Beelzebub do not. I stiil pick your kids up occasionally but not every time because it might be testing my pensioner's budget."

After that, brother Beelzebub stayed under his rock for about six years. I smiled inside at my mother's frankness. And, to this day, I try to pay my own way.

So, @Lilacbluewaters , you are okay to ask the parents to consider some monentary kickback or a grocery card. When my eldest grandson (19yo) drops by and gives up 30-45 of his time to clean my drain or wash my car, I slip him a $20 grocery card so he can buy something 'extra' (above his frugal budget). And, n.b. he'd do it without the grocery card or a couple of bottles of Guinness because, like most of his family, he understands helpfulness and selflessness.

Do not be put off by the understandable but different comments of other posters, @Lilacbluewaters . Their opinions make sense to many.

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 22:54

bridgetreilly · 27/02/2025 22:32

They may like to be treated but it certainly doesn’t mean they have to be. The treat is visiting OP.

Please go to this child and explain it to him. I am sure you are Pro at this Lol

bridgetreilly · 27/02/2025 22:32

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 21:54

And don't listen to other saying that macdonalds in not necessary. Of course kids like to be treated, and that's that.
It's very very inconsiderate that your in-laws don't give their son money to pay for himself when you go out.

They may like to be treated but it certainly doesn’t mean they have to be. The treat is visiting OP.

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 21:54

And don't listen to other saying that macdonalds in not necessary. Of course kids like to be treated, and that's that.
It's very very inconsiderate that your in-laws don't give their son money to pay for himself when you go out.

Susan7654 · 27/02/2025 21:51

The refusal to give money when you asked is shameless. Horrible really.

AnnHedonia · 27/02/2025 21:42

KilkennyCats · 27/02/2025 09:32

I don’t really get your point?
Op wants more than she can afford 🤷🏻‍♀️
What would your solution be, then; set up a Go Fund Me?
She can’t afford to feed four extra children, whatever she wants.

Could you be looking down your nose at OP any more? Is it really necessary to keep reiterating 'can't afford' with such disdain?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 27/02/2025 21:34

Hwi · 26/02/2025 22:33

Who says you have to go to MDonald's? Why can't you feed them with pasta (60 p a packet) and home-made cheap vegetable sauces? Say 'we are a low income family, we don't go to MDonald's. This is what we eat'. Problem solved. What you suggest is awful and penny-pinching. There is low income and there is cheap. Don't do that. If they start disliking pasta, they don't have to come and stay with you.

Yeah - I didn't get why the McDonald's

Maggiethecat · 27/02/2025 21:33

ThoseWhoDance · 27/02/2025 21:11

Wow! If ever there was a perfect example of the gulf between those on higher incomes and the rest of us, barely getting by earning minimum wage or just a little more - this is it! For the majority of the population, there is very little, if any extra money at the end of the week/month - those who can afford to save/shop in Waitrose/buy lots of lovely fresh ingredients - you are the lucky few. And if you are in the privileged position of being able to feed extra mouths for a week or more at a time, on a regular basis, then that's great for you, but don't dare go saying that others are grabby or calculating for not putting themselves into potentially difficult financial positions.
OP I think you are incredibly generous and good hearted - your 'extra children' are extremely lucky to have you as a part time carer !

Op does sound very accommodating and her young BIL must be happy to want to keep visiting.
I can’t agree however with trips to McDonald’s if you are just getting by. If you are strapped for cash you’ll pack a picnic - cheap nutritious sandwiches and treats for days out.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 27/02/2025 21:13

I wouldn't ask for money for family but if on the other hand I would offer in their position or buy some food and bring it over like drinks, food or offer to buy you all a meal. If I were your DH I'd feel bad asking too.

ThoseWhoDance · 27/02/2025 21:11

Wow! If ever there was a perfect example of the gulf between those on higher incomes and the rest of us, barely getting by earning minimum wage or just a little more - this is it! For the majority of the population, there is very little, if any extra money at the end of the week/month - those who can afford to save/shop in Waitrose/buy lots of lovely fresh ingredients - you are the lucky few. And if you are in the privileged position of being able to feed extra mouths for a week or more at a time, on a regular basis, then that's great for you, but don't dare go saying that others are grabby or calculating for not putting themselves into potentially difficult financial positions.
OP I think you are incredibly generous and good hearted - your 'extra children' are extremely lucky to have you as a part time carer !

CuteKoalas · 27/02/2025 21:02

If you are offering to have them then no you can't ask

If they asked you to have them then yes I think it wouldn't BU to ask for a little

However. I wouldn't buy take away they'd get what we have

Lulu49 · 27/02/2025 20:52

JLou08 there's a difference between not being a high earner and a low income household

mrssprout · 27/02/2025 20:48

I'm surprised they don't offer. I had a heart/lung transplant & spent 2½ months in hospital. In the early days as DH & DS were finding their feet with everything my sister took 17 year old, studying for big exams, to her house for a week. When I got home DS got sick & I was newly transplanted & severely immune suppressed so sister again immediately said pack his bag & get DH to drop him to me until he's better. This was in the middle of covid & she said if it was that she would rather it at her house than mine. My sister & her DH have their own 4 kids & don't earn much but they moved their kids around to fit my DS in & at one stage had my other sister's 2 at the same time as she was unwell & struggling. Even though she offered I couldn't imaging not giving some money to help cover costs, we gave her a couple of hundred dollars (in Oz).

LaceApplique · 27/02/2025 20:47

No, don't ask for money.

I think it's rude that they don't offer though or at least send him with a goody bag of snacks, considering the amount of time he spends at yours.

The bigger question is why have you become the family babysitter. Yes, they like going to you, but for a week at a time!? I think these other parents are taking the piss!

yourmaw · 27/02/2025 20:39

@Lilacbluewaters -actual amazed your get deemed,tight,moneygrabby,direspectful family connection etc. From the details you supplied! bizarre.
Nowhere did you suggest were going to cancel further bro visits or insist a payg tarrif.
presuming they your own kids grandparents?appreciate a week teen free? - beyond thoughtless. I would supply sorta "party pack" crisps,juice,biscuits when ds stay at friends with other siblings as a courtesy.
Ignoring whilst ta\keout n beers is pretty shit.

Theunamedcat · 27/02/2025 20:38

If you can't afford it you can't afford it they will just have to keep their own child

ForestAtTheSea · 27/02/2025 20:37

Lilacbluewaters · 27/02/2025 19:17

then you are in a good position financially. I don’t know what is hard to understand that it is costing us a lot and surely instead of treating yourselves to takeaways and alcohol, you would put your child first?! They want him to stay longer, he wants to stay so of course he is welcome but they should be paying a contribution as at the end of the day if he was at home he would be getting takeaways, days out etc especially during the holidays

How about testing the waters, next time they send over the children, remark to them that you are looking forward to when yours are older and you can send them to their relatives to stay with elder cousins and family.
What would they say?

The children are lucky that you facilitate these close family relations and they might not be aware of the customs regarding contributions. Is there another way the closeness could be encouraged, like video calls?
It is commendable that you want to take care of them all, and it is not the children's fault, and it is nice that everyone says yours is the best place; it is probably flattering, too.

But in making the decisions, maybe consider looking back 15 years from now, if the other family members never reprocicated and you will have a lot less savings for your own family and children in the end, or having to work more hours, would you now do the same?

At first your posts seemed to be only about receiving a contribution for food, but the more you explain, the more it sounds like everyone just sends over their children to yours so they have more free time. It's a complex picture between not being able to openly talk to them, your home being the favourite one and everyone sending you their children.

As an alternative regarding other children to play with, if your kids invited local children, these would go home at the end of the day so it would be a different situation and probably less costly.
I don't know how the situation would be in the long term, but the older nephews and nieces will probably at some point not want to spend so much time with younger kids, as they grow up, become teenagers and young adults; it could be helpful have more local friends of a similar age.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/02/2025 20:35

Your In laws are absolute out and out CFs. They actually said he should pay you with his birthday money, whilst they sat there with beer and takeaway.
They are utterly taking advantage as you said you were on a low income and already have your own three to bring up.
It is not unreasonable to expect a contribution towards the lad's food, you are already doing them a massive favour by having him stay for a week regularly.

Its such as shame as it sounds like you have a lovely friendly household and your DH's younger brother enjoys spending time with you. Not surprisingly.

I think DH should ask again and not be put off by their insults. They will keep doing it if you make it easy for them and then your DH and Bil will miss out.

LG123 · 27/02/2025 20:32

The absolute nerve of some people.