To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

I think the consensus is you tell your husband that you are happy for him to provide care to whoever he pleases but you will not be doing so.

He is manipulating you into becoming their free skivvy. Don’t let him.

Why do you need to get involved, they're your husband's parents?! If he wants to help them, then that's his look-out, but why should it concern you?!!! Or is this a case of your husband wanting you to help them, rather than him, so therefore he wants you to make peace?! We went NC with my husband's Uncle. He was unwell, and had to come out of his privately rented property as it wasn't fit for human inhabitation. He spent several weeks in hospital, and moved in with us temporarily. It was dreadful, and after 6 months we had to tell him to leave (there was zero effort on his part to leave). He treated our home like a hotel, me as his personal skivvy/PA, just utterly thoughtless and selfish. Once he moved out that was it, we cut contact. He might be 80, but he's a manipulative man who treated his family awful. It's been 6 years, and we have zero regrets. You need to do what's best for you, not your husband or in-laws. It's a myth that all elderly people are sweet, old dears, some aren't!

@sopranoswasthebest

I'd tell DH that no, I wasn't going to 'make peace and start over again' because there was too much racist and abusive water under that particular bridge. I'd tell him that what I might be willing to do is to facilitate him providing whatever care is needed for his parents. By that I mean taking on some of what he does in your household in order to free up time for him to help his parents.

This is what DH and I agreed to for our respective parents. There were never any 'issues' with them, they were four great people. But it just worked for us that way, especially as DH and I both worked full time. So when MiL became ill, I shouldered most of the household needs so he was free to help her. The reverse when my parents needed help. DH stepped up and carried more of the load so I was free to help my parents. In your case you could look at it as helping him, rather than helping them.

If my suggestion sounds good to you, tell your DH. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. He'll either accept it, which means he understands that his parents are his responsibility, or he'll whinge or say 'that won't work', in which case you'll know that he just wants you to make his life easier by caring for his parents.

Why is it up to you to make the peace?

No to talking to them.

No to helping them out.

No to making the peace.

No to being their carer.

No no no. Just no.

I wouldn't in your shoes unles you want to.
Your DH knows why you have taken this decision and he should respect it just as much as you respect him continuing to have a relationship with them.
I do suspect though that DH is trying to change your mind now as his parents are older and need more help and he wants you to do at least some of that

Don't be guilted until this.
They have options.

They sound like negative and hateful people so just leave them to their misery.
Definitely a case of you reap what you sow.

How did you come to that conclusion?

OP is allowed to have boundaries and not step in for people who treated her poorly, didn’t apologise from the read of things and now looking for help because their health has declined.

Saying that, it reads more like OP has a DH problem if he is expecting her to help them knowing how they’ve treated her. They are his parents, not hers. If he wants to be responsible for them, that is his choice, but doesn’t mean she has to be included and help them too.

Agree you're being lined up as elder care. Bloody cheeky!

They sound awful and it's not petty at all. Your DH only wants you to make amends so he doesn't have to get involved with helping them out. God, that would give me the major ick.

If they need help that Badly then either your husband steps up or they pay for help

Have they apologised to you?

Why can't DH look after them? I mean, if you're saying he can't have contact with him, then yes, YABU. If you're refusing to do the work then no, YANBU.

Tell your husband his father is a racist pig and that is a red line for you. It sounds like his parents are pretty vile. You don't have to see them or spend any time with them if you don't want to. If they need help, he can help them - they're his parents!

Your DH can see them. You don't need to and make it clear that you won't be helping them at all - even the dog!

This was my thoughts

He wants you to make amends so he doesn't have to do those things for them himself...he knows he needs an unpaid carer as they age to bear the brunt of it. I wouldn't be lifting a finger personally.

I may be assuming wrong but...

I wonder if your dh whinges at them about you and then they think they're being his mouthpiece when they criticise you. Asking you when your visitors are leaving for example. Accusing you of abandoning him or not cooking his meals.

How do they even know who is cooking the meals unless dh complains to them?

Ah. So now they are getting elderly and have health problems and your DH has suddenly realised that he might have to step up and help out. But no he thinks, of course not, helping care for elderly relatives is women's work and who better to do it than his wife? So it's about time you made up with them so you can do it and he doesn't have to.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Hard No.

Tell DH he is more than welcome to help HIS parents in any way he sees fit. If he pushes the matter offer to help contact social services to see if they need a care package. Stick to your decision and do not entertain any grovelling from any of them.

yanbu - your h is lucky that you’re still married to him tbh

If your h wants to help then he can go round.

Absolutely no to 'letting bygones be bygones'. Your PIL are awful racists who didn't appreciate your help and made you cry. Why on earth should you help them now they have health problems? They should have thought about the consequences of being horrible and ungrateful.

Tell your DH that you will not be making peace with them or caring for them or helping them in any way. He should have dealt with their terrible behaviour at the time but he let them insult his wife and exploit her kindness.

No I wouldn’t. Your DH probably only wants you to make peace so you can help with the caring, helping, etc.

This.