Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

86 replies

sopranoswasthebest · 26/02/2025 14:13

I did post on here previously.

So basically I had a massive argument with my MIL a few years ago when she was sending me nasty texts when I had a relative critically ill in hospital.

When I went to stay and help my family she got quite nasty and wasn't supportive at all and was sending me passive aggressive texts about me "abandoning" her son etc.

I had bit my tongue for years with her and FIL to be honest, I just exploded at her and I haven't spoken to her of FIL since.

They tried leaving £100 in a card that year at Xmas but I told DH to send it back.

Prior to this MIL would always interfere in both our relationship and general health.

From ordering me to get the Covid and Flu jab (I'm on my early 30s) to telling me "I needed to cook DH meals l" to asking "when are your visitors leaving", it was always something.

I have been very good to in-laws prior to this, helping them with chores, writing letters, gardening, dog sitting for weeks, doing their shopping etc and I never got any appreciation for it.

The picture that was painted to me by DH when we first got together was that they were these lonely people who were kind and nice people and the reason the oldest sibling didn't bother with them was because of his wife.

Was all a pack of lies as I found out for myself .

FIL has made racial slurs against my Polish BIL who is married to my sister on multiple occasions and uses the p and n word a lot.

He is a sarcastic horrible man, he made me cry when he accused me of being lazy in lockdown (whilst I was doing his shopping).
This was the only time DH stood up to him on my behalf.

Anyway so now they have both got health problems now and need help.

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

What really bothers me is how other people that have never bothered or helped them get treated better than me.

Like the ex wife of BIL who didn't talk them the whole time she was married to the eldest son got taken out for a £300 meal after not seeing her for years and I did so much and never even got a thank you.

It just really burns me how I got treated and I can't forgive or forget.

DH is making me feel like I am being petty and to at least talk to them but I don't want to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Biscuitsnotcookies · 28/02/2025 13:56

sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 12:37

DH still doesn't see there wrong doing and just blames it on their age and frustration that the other siblings don't help them.

DH has never helped my parents or family.

Unfortunately we live a few doors away from them and DH is round there every morning before work to see them (which is fine as they are his parents) but he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

Your dn is still attached to the umbilical cord ( aka a controlling mother) and nothing is ever going to change op. I can’t believe he is there every day!! You have my full sympathy. He is married to his mother not to you. I would put the house on the market and refuse to continue with this marriage, you are just the hired help at best to facilitate them, he has been trying to wear you down for two years.. 😱

Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 28/02/2025 12:37

DH still doesn't see there wrong doing and just blames it on their age and frustration that the other siblings don't help them.

DH has never helped my parents or family.

Unfortunately we live a few doors away from them and DH is round there every morning before work to see them (which is fine as they are his parents) but he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 27/02/2025 22:33

Do what I did when my DH wobbled.

Remind him that me staying married to him was dependent on me never seeing that bitch again.
And if he was going back on his part I'm more than happy to carry on with the divorce. Because to this day he is not worth having her in my life.

Mum2jenny · 27/02/2025 22:27

IMO they have made their problem and it’s up to them to sort it.
Not your issue at all!

FloofyKat · 27/02/2025 22:22

No, DH. You didn’t stand up for me all these years and they didn’t change, so I’m not willing to put the past behind me just so you can position me as their carer now.

.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 27/02/2025 22:19

Haven't seen ils for over a decade.. No ill health will change that..
Dh won't change his mind either..

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 27/02/2025 22:14

I never ever say this on principle but this time I am doing - get a divorce lawyer. This is going to get worse, not better.

DPotter · 27/02/2025 18:15

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

They have manipulated you and your DH in the past
They have been incredibly rude to you in the past
They have not apologised to you in the past.

So guess where a betting woman would put her money on any future behaviour?

They are probably manipulating your DH now in the present with talk of inheritances. Never believe manipulator about their will, until the solicitor sends you the cheque. Never.

Your DH made you a promise - what you have to ask yourself is why is he going back on his promise ?

SerafinasGoose · 27/02/2025 18:01

The sort of parents who hold their children to ransom over a Will are exactly the sort of parents who would leave everything they own to the local cats' home.

In the meantime, they dangle the carrot to bribe you into doing whatever they want you to do. I say to hell with that noise, and 'no' to engaging in any form of power-play. People have enough of that sort of shit to deal with in the workplace.

I've taken nothing from anyone in my life. Everything DH and I have we've earned, and we're under no obligations to anyone. That's liberating.

Hold the line.

Boomer55 · 27/02/2025 16:59

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2025 15:57

@sopranoswasthebest

I'd tell DH that no, I wasn't going to 'make peace and start over again' because there was too much racist and abusive water under that particular bridge. I'd tell him that what I might be willing to do is to facilitate him providing whatever care is needed for his parents. By that I mean taking on some of what he does in your household in order to free up time for him to help his parents.

This is what DH and I agreed to for our respective parents. There were never any 'issues' with them, they were four great people. But it just worked for us that way, especially as DH and I both worked full time. So when MiL became ill, I shouldered most of the household needs so he was free to help her. The reverse when my parents needed help. DH stepped up and carried more of the load so I was free to help my parents. In your case you could look at it as helping him, rather than helping them.

If my suggestion sounds good to you, tell your DH. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. He'll either accept it, which means he understands that his parents are his responsibility, or he'll whinge or say 'that won't work', in which case you'll know that he just wants you to make his life easier by caring for his parents.

This. Support your DH by helping him. 😊

Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 27/02/2025 16:55

@Commonsense22 - they have OH to pay for any services they may need, they are not my parents or responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 27/02/2025 16:54

@Biscuitsnotcookies
Yes your spot on, I do feel as if OH's loyalty is to his parents as he always has an answer for everything that they do wrong.

I'm not bothered about the will as I would be happy and not have to deal with such horrible people.

It really infuriates me how all the responsibility was put on my shoulders in Covid when my own parent was fighting cancer and FIL was very verbally abusive to me knowing how upset I was not being able to see my dad (live 90 minutes away and the country was in lockdown).

The £100 was given 5 months after the argument and was for Christmas.
I would have preferred an apology.

OP posts:
CharlotteSometimes1 · 27/02/2025 16:39

I’d consider re establishing a relationship with them for DHs sake, but make sure it was on my terms. So I’d have a think about what I was and wasn’t prepared to do for them and what my boundaries were. For me, given the history it would be something like, I’ll start to be a part of their lives again, but to be clear I’m doing this for you and not for them. With that in mind, I’m prepared to do shopping for them, make arrangements, calls etc, but not personal care. In turn they need to be pleasant to me, I won’t tolerate any racism and will call it out if it happens, if it continues that will be the end of any relationship, as will rudeness or any interference I ourhome or our relationship.

Commonsense22 · 27/02/2025 16:19

The only thing that is a bit contradictory is you complain you never got a thank you but they did try to give you 100 pounds.
I would try to keep things respectful but firm. It is your DH's family so I'd make a token offer of paying for 2 hours of fortnightly cleaning or something but not offer to do the work yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2025 16:13

@sopranoswasthebest

So he 1-wants to be sure he is going to get the max possible inheritance and 2-wants you do to his job (caring for his parents). Nuts to that!

I'd tell him that I don't want any of their money (even though you doubt you're actually in the will) and that his parents are his responsibility.

Wonder what he'll come up with next?

Biscuitsnotcookies · 27/02/2025 04:19

You have a ‘D’H problem.

He has thrown you under the bus with his awful parents (the apple doesn’t fall far from his mother’s tree) for years.

He is prioritising money over you. There will be nothing for you to inherit but plenty in his name, and rather than do the donkey work himself - he is lining you up to do it.

Rather than standing up for you firmly, he has stood by and let his shitty parents abuse you over and over again. Why on earth has he done this? Only he can answer that. I suspect he prioritises his mother over you sadly.

You were right to consider divorce back then, because loyalty and having a husband that has your back is imperative to a marriage working.

It sounds like he has bided his time, and is now going back on his word.

I would stand firm. He either respects the agreement you made, and he steps in to help his parents in old age as she should anyway , because they are HIS parents or you will leave.

I would not be blackmailed to ever have these people in your life again, either with the promise of an inheritance (which is likely to be untrue) or with £300 dinners! Absolutely not.

I would be reassessing the kind of person I have married tbh op, he doesn’t sound like a great dh at all, and there is no loyalty or respect for you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/02/2025 03:54

RobinHeartella · 26/02/2025 19:21

Don't be a carer to horrid people you don't like in the hope you'll inherit from their Will.

First of all you might not inherit after all. It's a gamble

Secondly it might be many years. It might work out a poor hourly wage!

Thirdly there are more rewarding and worthwhile jobs you could do to earn the money

This...

They can tell him ANYTHING about their will.

I came across this, manipulative very rich elderly woman had her many children run ragged running around after her for YEARS..

Lied to them all re will contents... She happily had cut ALL her very less well off children out of her will (they'd lost huge amounts of money caring for her...) and she left it all to some niche church she barely had any contact with.... Think final estate was almost 5 million 😱.. At least two of her children live on disability benefit...

RawBloomers · 27/02/2025 03:28

Definitely refuse. Your DH betrayed you in his dealings with his parents. He's trying to do it again.

bevm72yellow · 26/02/2025 19:45

You are being lined up to take care of them. Make yourself very busy with your own life. No further discussion with him about his parents . He trying to slowly grind you down. They may apologise to " sweeten you up" .

RobinHeartella · 26/02/2025 19:21

Don't be a carer to horrid people you don't like in the hope you'll inherit from their Will.

First of all you might not inherit after all. It's a gamble

Secondly it might be many years. It might work out a poor hourly wage!

Thirdly there are more rewarding and worthwhile jobs you could do to earn the money

Coralsunset · 26/02/2025 19:04

Bollocks. Let DH run around after them. They aren’t your problem.

Original poster
sopranoswasthebest · 26/02/2025 19:01

I think what is that DH is set to inherit a lot in their wills (they told me this themselves when they were complaining about their children apart from DH being lazy ) as they have cut out the siblings who haven't helped/bothered with them.

DH told me that I was also in the will just before I fell out with them, but I don't believe him at all (not that it would make a difference).

I think what DH wanted was to look good in front of his parents with me running around after them and being at their beck and call.

He would always say "Oh mum let XYZ zzz help you, she will do it".

When I dared to start to put my foot down with helping them I was made to feel bad by DH.

As another PP mentioned I think DH probably did used to go complaining about me as how else would MIL know I don't cook (as he is a meat eater and I am veggie).

MIL would even come in our garden and dig out plants that I had planted.

I was very close to filing for divorce when it all kicked of but was persuaded to stay by DH who promised me I wouldn't have to see his parents again, and I haven't for 2 years.

OP posts:
IsawwhatIsaw · 26/02/2025 17:57

Of course your DH wants you to make peace! Then you can go and be their carer and save him the trouble.
But they’re his parents and his responsibility and problem…….
and as others say, you reap as you sow.

Coconutter24 · 26/02/2025 17:55

DH was asked me if I would be able to make peace and start over with them.

Ask him outright why do you want me to now make peace with them? And I bet the answer involves their ill health and you helping them. They are his parents so he can make time to care for them

Coralsunset · 26/02/2025 17:02

Horizon32 · 26/02/2025 14:16

Racism is a red line. Stick to your guns, they sound vile.

Totally agree. Bunch of cunts.

DH can do what he likes of course, but so can you. If you don’t want to spend time with racist scum, he will have to respect that decision.

If he doesn’t, you have a DH problem.