To not of spoken to in laws for 2 years

Even in this moment when he stands to lose everything he is STILL completely unable to see your point of view. He is still welded to them. It must be sickening to watch him disregard your feelings, your experience of his family and even now he is not fighting for you. Or even willing to meet you half way… You deserve so much more than this, and I could not be with a man like this in a million years. A mummy’s boy still suckling at her nipples unable to adult in any capacity. I would be well and truly out.

@sopranoswasthebest

The fact that he didn't express any real regret at your decision but instead simply kept defending his parents and justifying his wanting you to do his job for him shows that he really doesn't value you or your marriage. Sounds as if he figures that if he can't get what he wants out of you, then you may as well 'be gone'.

You are right to separate. Move quickly but deliberately, especially wrt separating finances. And see a solicitor as soon as possible to find out what divorce may mean to you. It doesn't mean you're going 'do anything' right now, just that you are educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. Knowledge is power and forewarned is forearmed.

He's definitely clutching at straws here, trying to find something nice that his parents have done for you. As though including you in a (very rare) family meal which they are cooking for everyone, not specifically for you, is the same as all the help you previously gave them when you were on speaking terms.

He is defending the indefensible and won't even consider your point of view so separation seems the only solution to stop the constant guilt tripping from him.

Good for you. It sounds like it’s been coming for a while. Imagine how wonderful life will feel when you have your own place, miles away from the fucked yo dysfunctional lot of them.

Good luck @sopranoswasthebest you can always return here or start a new thread if he is difficult over the split. 💐

DH has never helped my parents or family

This is always the case when women write about the help they give to their in-laws.

they have both got health problems now and need help

I mean, still doing your DHs laundry, cutting his hair, booking all his appointments, what help do they actually need from you both? Or is it more manipulation?

Bloody hell. Time to LTB

Wow she does his washing still? He won’t change, and he just wants you to make up so he can push that inevitable (if he wants to keep his inheritance) caring responsibility to you. I’d leave.

My DH is very close to his parents but his mother doesn't do any of this. He's also 50!
You need to both move and move on.

He only wants you to make up so you can skivvy for them and he can take credit for it. Honestly, it's an overused MN phrase but you definitely have a DH problem! Be firm: tell him that if you ever did consider reconciling with them, it would be on condition that you would not lift a finger to look after them. It just wouldn't happen. That is his job, as their son, and his siblings' job. He won't like it but tough.

I'd be drier than Mars looking at that man

Fuck knows how you've managed to muster up the courage to let him have a go the 3 times it took for the kids.

OMG 2 doors away!

He's never really left home has he?

He's still joined to his mum by the umbilical cord. It sounds deeply unattrative in a grown man who doesn't care that his parents insult his wife.

Separating sounds like the only way for you to get some distance from this awful family. Your DH won't protect you and he wants to expose you to their toxicity all over again by expecting to you help care for his parents.

Yeah, two doors down is insanity.

Time to move on. 💐

@sopranoswasthebest

At this point I think moving on will be best as we just can't agree on this and go back and forth arguing over it.

What do you mean by 'moving on'? Are you thinking of separating or do you simply mean refusing to discuss the matter further? If the latter, will he actually respect your decision and drop it? He has a lot riding on your 'acquiescence', you know. Your continued (correct) refusal means he may just have to step up and actually act as a carer for his parents. Not to mention losing (an imaginary) part of 'his' inheritance that's supposedly coming to you.

It's hard enough to provide care for someone you love. I wouldn't look after ungreahateful, hateful people.

They aren't going to be nicer or less abusive when they are unwell. Your husband wants to you to tow the line so he can palm their care off onto you.

Absolutely not. Your DH wants you to forgive and forget so you can be/help be their carer. Certainly I would support him as needed in him helping them with what they need, but I wouldn't be doing it myself and wouldn't be interacting with them directly.
Racism is a hard no for me, and they will only get worse as they get older and you will be expected to just take the abuse as they need care.

I would suggest- as we did before the actual nc- was we agreed mil's name wasn't mentioned in our home. Wasn't being all het up in my own space by that woman when she wasn't even there!!
Tell dh your marriage depends on his agreement.. And mean it.

"he keeps trying to drag me there to "sort it out".

Sort what out? And whatever "it" is, why can't he sort it out?

I think you need to move on too. On and out of this so called marriage. Like PP have said, your DH is married to his mother, not you.

DH wants you to provide unpaid labour to his parents so that he can inherit money.

Personally I would suggest his parents use the money to pay for their own services and labour and fuck off out of my life.

DH can choose between going home to polish the horde or staying with you.

I do feel as if DH lies a lot and tries to manipulate me but I have stood firm for 2 years and have had no contact with them.

yet you STILL call him "D" H? Please raise you bar, he is a low moralled man if this is the case