Partner never wants to get married but I do

Deep down I know it’s a bit silly

Stop dismissing your own feelings as "silly". Your wish to be married is deep. You might not have a nice tidy logical explanation for it but your wish to marry your partner (not just anyone!) is deep. By calling yourself "silly" you are tying yourself to a situation that is making you unhappy. And trying to explain it away as "social pressure", well I'll bet you've experienced "social pressure" to do a lot of other things and you haven't blindly gone along with them, and the social pressure probably hasn't even bothered you much because those weren't things that you wanted for yourself.

He just doesn’t like the “institution” of marriage or that it stemmed from the church. He just doesn’t see the point

Funny how many other religions have marriage and secular people get married too though they don't have to. So his "reasons" are not logical and rational ones either. There's something emotional about marriage for him too. If it really didn't matter to him either way then he would do it to make you feel secure and happy.

I understand that your DP wants to protect his son's inheritance. There are legal ways to do that within marriage. And given the amount of time you have already been together he should want to protect you as well. There are practical implications to being married or not, and if you stay with your partner you need to make sure you understand those implications. Financial ones and also some important decision-making ones as pp have pointed out. What happens if one of you is incapacitated? That happens as people get older, it's more likely to happen to him first but it could happen to you.

As well as the practicalities, there's also something about being willing to make a public statement of commitment. Your DP isn't willing to make that. Is he afraid of commitment? I mean yes he wants to be with you but does he also want an easy "out" in case things go wrong or he changes his mind? Or maybe he's afraid that at some point you will decide you want children and then you will leave him?

I don't know the answers but I do know that none of this is "silly". And you need to figure out what you really want and you need to find out what this really means to your DP. It is all important.

It seems like they've discussed it many times.

OP now has to decide if she wants to leave the relationship to find her future DH and baby.

Personally I think it is crazy to jump into a new marriage and a baby, for the second time at 39. It rarely works, babies are stressful, peri menopause is even more stressful, while creating a blended family with teenagers and a toddler. 😨

If it was a first, it would probably be worth it.

Surely it’s OK not to want to be married? What’s not OK is not discussing it, or changing the goal posts.

Cross posted!

But yeah, it's always surprising how many people who apparently consider this to be very important haven't invested 2 minutes to google it. Even in just a UK specific context, we had marriage before we had Christianity, and the law permitting secular weddings is almost 200 years old. The vast majority of weddings here are non-religious, and lots of the religious ones have nothing to do with Christianity.

It didn't. Marriage existed thousands of years before any churches did. We had marriage in the UK before we had Christianity.

That being said, civil partnership is an alternative option with most of the same legal and financial implications. Would either of you consider it?

Well you can correct him on this score - marriage did not stem from the church.

It’s a practice as old as human society itself, first recorded in around 2000BC, and documented in ancient civilizations like Egypt, India, China, Greece, and Rome - so secular as well as in most of the worlds religions. There’s a reason marriage is important to humans the world over and has endured for thousands of years.

Hppe you can have a rationale conversation with him about this. YANBU. Good luck.

Add tbe stress of his divorce and separation of assets.
Life isn’t a fairytale.
I think you are holding onto a pipe dream and you'll lose him.
Take some time for yourself to decide.

I think your being really unfair from day one he’s told you he will never marry

I'm wondering OP why marriage is so important to you and I think you need to investigate this a bit further.

I think his position is completely reasonable. I wouldn't get married again if you paid me. Its an extremely risky thing to do if you have a child who is not a shared child. He's protecting his son's inheritance.

Marriage is only really important in one of two scenarios a) you have shared children and b) he significantly out-earns you. Neither of these applies to you.

It's odd that you're so keen to perpetuate something which has no practical relevance in your relationship when your husband has made it so clear he's against it. If you were financially dependent on him the situation would be different but as you're not it would be an expensive irrelevance.

I think your appetite to get married is more to do with feeling you need to do what everyone else does, as opposed to any genuine practical or financial need.

How about a civil partnership, you could have a ceremony and the reception but it's nothing to do with the Church

With him on that!

I don’t want to be married. Never have done. DP would like to. We discuss it on a semi regular basis to check where we both stand.

Would he marry if you got a prenup? My husband and I have one - it just has to be fair.

People suffer from romantic notions, that a baby will cement their love and commitment.
He is mid 40's, 5 years off his child going to uni. Going back to school runs at 50 is madness.
You're not the one for him, now he knows you want different things, the relationship will end or resentment will grow.

Sorry you aren't feeling good with the situation Op. I don't know what to say but I thought you might like to see this

It sounds like a head over heart thing? Like you know logically it doesn't matter day to day that your not married and that your relationship is stronger than that of many who are married. But there's a lot of social pressure to (want to) be married and it's seen as more solid perhaps, though meaningless really when divorce is so commonplace. Fwiw we married for legal reasons only after 15+ years together, didn't have a wedding as such, don't have rings, didn't change my name (or he his). I can't even remember the exact year we did it sometimes, it made so little difference.

No, I didn't mean it was wrong, just that it makes her financially insecure.

"Inheritance should go to children before it goes to partners."

I usually would agree with this when couples got together later on life.

OP has been with this guy most of her adult life, since she was 22. She's a long term partner. She is living in the house and it sounds like they are paying the mortgage together. She's invested money and a long time here. Adult son lives elsewhere. I think she should get part of what partner leaves if he passed first because she helped him build his wealth.

That's also why they should have all the financial discussions and she should find out if his refusal to marry her when he knows she wants to marry is due to trying to keep inheritance for his son. Also, if something happened and he was incapacitated, the adult son would be the next of kin and that could leave OP in a very bad spot.

Don't do this - it all sounds a bit pathetic

It might cause a problem by only owning half of the house, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I am in a position where I was widowed young, have now adult children and some financial security. According to some posters, wanting to protect what belongs to my children means I don’t deserve any kind of meaningful relationship for the rest of my life. I’d love to be a married person but my husband died so now I can’t be unless I give away what he left us, which obviously I don’t want to do. Not being able to marry is acceptable, but according to some posters I’d be in the wrong just by living with a partner and giving them a lifetime interest in my share of our home.

It doesn’t have to be complicated unless one parter wants to financially benefit from the other. Inheritance should go to children before it goes to partners.

I would check that. Before he died my DH put his half of our house in trust for our two DC, to protect it from any future care home fees I may have to incur (and against any future marriage, although that ain't going to happen, believe me). I was told I would be allowed to move house, so long as I protect the amount that made up his half share at the time of his death.

It’s his son, not ‘someone else’.
He is also right to protect his son.
MN tells women to do the same.

I didn't say I agree with all of Mumsnet either. If you worked out the ages they were when they got together they've pretty much built their lives together but unlike a normal partnership, he wants to leave her nothing.
My partner's dad remarried after he was widowed at 50, he intends to leave his estate (including their 800k house) to his wife and leave a lump to his children (20k each). He's had that conversation with his two adult children who thought it was a perfectly normal thing to do. His wife can stay in the house if she wants to or she can downsize/ move to another area. All of their plans are based on a life together with their joint assets and joint money. They've been together for around the same length of time as OP.