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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to treat gfs differently to bfs?

56 replies

DarkForces · 26/02/2025 08:28

Apologies I posted in LGBT children but no one could help so trying here. Hoping parents of bisexual children can help with my dilemma!

Dd is 13 and bisexual. Her current gf is a year younger and the first boy/girl she's dated she actually seems to like. They asked each other out at a sleepover and then had a cuddle all night (there was another friend there so sure nothing else happened). The problem is Dd wants another sleepover and whist I don't have a massive problem with it I wouldn't allow it if she (the gf) was a boy. Also Dd is definitely still at the stage intimacy beyond a quick kiss is icky so it's all very sweet and safe.

However, I feel if I allow this for a girl I'd have to for a boy and that feels very different. The risks of being pushed into sex feel higher, obviously pregnancy is a risk... also as she wants to experience more with a partner my boundaries may shift. I can hardly allow her more freedom at 13 than 15!

Any advice on navigating this would help. I feel I probably should just say no to sleepovers with more than friends as all relationships are equal. When we started to discuss this I told her I thought this is where I'd end up as all her partners are equal to me whatever sex they are, but I've asked for some time to think about it.

So would I be unreasonable to treat gfs differently to bfs in terms of allowing sleepovers with the door open for girls but not boys?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 08:45

@Tumbleweed44 they we're just friends at the start of the night and she told me that things had changed as soon as I collected her. She's very responsible and will have an amazing future I'm sure despite me needing a bit of advice on navigating boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 08:41

@Elloelloello25 I had a lot of fun with my teenage bf bf but as you say there were risks. That's the key difference I think. Risks are a lot lower with gfs.

OP posts:
Tumbleweed44 · 26/02/2025 08:41

13 is too young for sleepovers with anyone other than friends.

Don’t imagine having a friend in the room stopped anything sexual from happening.

Thankfully, my DC weren’t interested in serious relationships til they left for Uni however, they were the youngest in their year and focused on their exams which helped.

If they had asked from 16 it is acceptable but I am grateful it never came up. They are happy in a relationship now of nearly two years which started the first term of Uni so it’s not like they are lacking in the ability to form relationship's.
They had girlfriends at school/college and often went away for residential courses from 16 onwards so plenty of opportunity to have privacy if needed.

What are your daughter’s dreams and aspirations for her future? 13 is so young to want to spend the night together regardless of how innocent it may be.

Elloelloello25 · 26/02/2025 08:37

Sleepover aside, if they want sexual relations then they will do it regardless of a sleepover.

At 14 I had sexual relations and usually it would be during the day while parents out or at work/shopping etc. Being sexual in parks/woods etc.

If someone wants to do it they will.
They won't just wait until 'bedtime'.

Infact, usually I'd guess bedtime would be more off limits due to the quietness of the house and everyone being there.

That being said, pregnancy and sti are a risk, so I'd make sure to have a good discussion with her regardless

TimeForTeaAndG · 26/02/2025 08:34

You don't have to do anything, you are allowed to have your own rules for situations. You could have some rules for just girls, and some for just boys. For now I'd probably have a separate beds rule and if she wants a boy to sleepover you assess that at the time. Just explain it to her now that it might be different in future.

MoodEnhancer · 26/02/2025 08:32

I wouldn’t allow a sleepover with a partner of either sex at the age of 13. Not until at least both partners were at least 16, in fact.

But yes, I would probably treat them differently. I think (from my and friends’ experiences) that teenage boys are more pushy about sex, and also the risk of pregnancy would be factor.

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