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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to treat gfs differently to bfs?

56 replies

DarkForces · 26/02/2025 08:28

Apologies I posted in LGBT children but no one could help so trying here. Hoping parents of bisexual children can help with my dilemma!

Dd is 13 and bisexual. Her current gf is a year younger and the first boy/girl she's dated she actually seems to like. They asked each other out at a sleepover and then had a cuddle all night (there was another friend there so sure nothing else happened). The problem is Dd wants another sleepover and whist I don't have a massive problem with it I wouldn't allow it if she (the gf) was a boy. Also Dd is definitely still at the stage intimacy beyond a quick kiss is icky so it's all very sweet and safe.

However, I feel if I allow this for a girl I'd have to for a boy and that feels very different. The risks of being pushed into sex feel higher, obviously pregnancy is a risk... also as she wants to experience more with a partner my boundaries may shift. I can hardly allow her more freedom at 13 than 15!

Any advice on navigating this would help. I feel I probably should just say no to sleepovers with more than friends as all relationships are equal. When we started to discuss this I told her I thought this is where I'd end up as all her partners are equal to me whatever sex they are, but I've asked for some time to think about it.

So would I be unreasonable to treat gfs differently to bfs in terms of allowing sleepovers with the door open for girls but not boys?

OP posts:
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Ihopeyouhavent · 26/02/2025 11:54

So just because its a vagina instead of a penis and theres no danger of pregnancy, its ok for 12 and 13yr old to have sleepovers when they admit to liking each other.

For once i'm actually almost speechless.

MimiGC · 26/02/2025 11:28

IamnotSethRogan · 26/02/2025 11:20

Well i think it's tricky. You're very lucky your daughter has told you about what's going on and my worry would be if you don't let GFs sleep over is she just won't tell you who she's in a relationship with

They are not "in a relationship". They might think they are, because they're children. The adults around them need to reaffirm that they are too young for any romantic, and certainly sexual, attachments.

Floralnomad · 26/02/2025 11:26

Surely a sleepover does not involve sharing a bed .

Ladamesansmerci · 26/02/2025 11:24

Just for a different perspective, I'm a lesbian. I wouldn't allow a 13 year old to have a sleepover with a partner of either sex. 14 year olds are full of hormones. It's a prime time for young people to be exploring their own body and sense of sexuality. Letting them share a bed is likely to result in something happening. I had sleepovers with my purely platonic (and all straight!) friends at that age, and we'd do things like put this dodgy channel called Sexetera on TV at 3am when everyone was asleep, and look up porn lol (defo the days before internet safety). It wasn't sexual at all and I didn't have sex until uni, but we were certainly very curious! Two curious dating girls together are likely to end up doing something! You hear similar tales of boys (straight friends) watching porn together at that age. Young people are very curious about sex, but we don't talk about it much due to the taboo.

Also please ensure DD knows you can still catch STIs from another girl. Talk to her about dental dams etc. I wouldn't have known that at that age. If she's going to do something sexual then they'll find a way, but I wouldn't encourage it by having sleepovers either.

IamnotSethRogan · 26/02/2025 11:20

Well i think it's tricky. You're very lucky your daughter has told you about what's going on and my worry would be if you don't let GFs sleep over is she just won't tell you who she's in a relationship with

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 11:14

Thanks all. Got the advice I needed and I'm out.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 26/02/2025 11:13

A 12 year old sharing a bed with a girlfriend over night is actually insane.

beAsensible1 · 26/02/2025 11:12

A 13 year old shouldn’t be having sleep overs with any romantic partner. Sex regardless.

treat them the same. My lesbian friend was having sex with her gf at her parents for years and they didn’t have a clue.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 11:08

purplecheesecat · 26/02/2025 11:07

This

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How am I ignoring it when I've agreed to it? This is getting ridiculous.

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purplecheesecat · 26/02/2025 11:07

MoodEnhancer · 26/02/2025 09:15

But they aren’t just friends anymore. No one has suggested you stop sleepovers with friends.

All the comments re: pregnancy etc are not de-railing the thread, they are comments on the difference in allowing sleepovers with partners of either sex.

Fundamentally you are rather ignoring what everyone is saying: 13 and 12 is way too young to allow sleepovers and bed sharing, regardless of sex. It’s very intimate and has emotional and psychological consequences and allowing it so young is inevitably setting you up for issues in the future if you want different rules. Better to say no, not til 16 as a blanket rule, and then consider the position afresh when she (and any partner) are 16.

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This

Cm19841 · 26/02/2025 11:04

@DarkForces - I said "I think it would be madness". I'm quite aware you said you're considering it and nothing has happened and nobody has been harmed.

All the best.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 10:55

Notagainx · 26/02/2025 10:52

Way too young for relationships or ‘dating.’ Definitely no sleepovers either. I am a secondary school teacher and it is very worrying when young people of that age get into relationships and I would be concerned as a parent too. They are too emotionally immature for one thing.

As you say a lot of them are 'dating' and I'd rather know than ban it and her do it behind my back.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 26/02/2025 10:53

13 is way too young for this whatever their inclinations are.

Notagainx · 26/02/2025 10:52

Way too young for relationships or ‘dating.’ Definitely no sleepovers either. I am a secondary school teacher and it is very worrying when young people of that age get into relationships and I would be concerned as a parent too. They are too emotionally immature for one thing.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 10:50

ExtraOnions · 26/02/2025 10:48

What do the 12 year olds parents think ?

I'm coming to my own decision before I ask. Strictest rules win obviously but as I'm a no it's not really a question anymore

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 26/02/2025 10:48

What do the 12 year olds parents think ?

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 26/02/2025 10:43

DarkForces · 26/02/2025 09:16

That's a horrible thing to say about dd. She's not some awful abuser. She's a sweet young teen who admitted she liked someone and they said they liked her too. Dd made me aware as soon as I collected her and made sure the other girls parents knew too.

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Surely you're aware of your own bias to your own child?

Knowing after it's too late is hardly helpful.

What happens when it's a different situation and it's your DD's word against the other girl's? Because it's gone further and the girl in that situation is confused about her sexuality and regrets it the next day, and the other girl's parents are hitting the roof? It will be even worse if in that situation DD is 15 going on 16 and the friend is 13. They are children.

There's no point keeping it to just friendships because this time started out as a friendship as well. It's a loophole that's far too easy and will be used against you in future relationships.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 10:39

@Cm19841 have you actually read anything I've written? I haven't allowed anything. I was asking advice before making a final decision. No harm has come to anyone and I've had some great advice from people who've taken a moment to read what I've said.

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Cm19841 · 26/02/2025 10:33

Your child's girlfriend is 12. Do you really want to be responsible for a 12 year old / young 13 year old in your house deciding to do this? I wouldn't. I think it would be madness. What do her parents think? What if something does happen and then they regret it. You have a world of problems in your home.

12/13 is far too young for relationships in my opinion and so much risk to you with a minor in your house who is not your child.

Ella31 · 26/02/2025 10:21

Obviously the physical aspects of pregnancy are a worry with a boy. But just because she's now dating a girl doesn't mean there can't be peer pressure regarding sex and intimacy. I'd still be incredibly wary and aware that sex could happen and at 13 she is too young emotionally and physically. I would very much be keeping an eye on her. We can't presume because they are both female that she can't get hurt.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 10:10

LavenderBlue19 · 26/02/2025 10:08

I think 13 is far too young for the intensity of bed-sharing, regardless of sex. Even friendships can be a lot at that age, putting a sexual relationship into the mix is just too much for children to handle.

This was my gut instinct too. I just wanted to check it and get advice from parents who had been there done that. I've agreed that it's the right way to go

OP posts:
LavenderBlue19 · 26/02/2025 10:08

I think 13 is far too young for the intensity of bed-sharing, regardless of sex. Even friendships can be a lot at that age, putting a sexual relationship into the mix is just too much for children to handle.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 09:56

@MimiGC im just trying to describe the situation as quickly as possible and get a bit of advice.

OP posts:
MimiGC · 26/02/2025 09:51

I think it's a big mistake to label your very young teen with a sexual orientation label (bisexual) and to describe friends she fancies as her 'partners'. She is a 13 year old child with a 12 year old 'girlfriend'. These are children - adult labels and concepts are not appropriate. She might consider herself grown up, you know she isn't.

Original poster
DarkForces · 26/02/2025 09:44

Makes sense @DrinkFeckArseBrick. Thanks to everyone who gave me sensible advice.

On balance I'm glad I asked. I think you've made me confront dd getting older and potentially interested in sex although I still think she's a fair way off doing anything much. In the end it's about protecting her and thinking about the longer term. I've spoken to dh and we've agreed on no sleepovers with gfs for a good long time!

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