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Original poster

What would you do if your 4yo stole something?

33 replies

itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 18:12

Posting for traffic. Potentially stolen - but yet to get the facts straight!

4.5 year old came home from reception with a sparkly little toy in pocket. I asked about it and she said it was "Ella's". I asked if Ella gave it to her and she said no. Then I asked if Ella knew she had it and she said yes but got cross. After that she refused to engage in the subject so I said we would chat later when she's feeling calmer. (Straight after school never a good time).

So WWYD in this scenario? (No incidents of stealing before). To begin with I will chat to her at bathtime and try to get to the bottom of it obviously. If it turns out she has stolen it should I:

  1. Speak to her about stealing being wrong and unkind, then ask her to give it back to Ella tomorrow - or is this too much responsibility for a 4yo?
  2. Speak to her and then hand the item back to Ella's mum with an apology.
  3. Something else?
OP posts:
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xWren · 25/02/2025 19:51

itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 19:47

Right spoken to her at bedtime. Turns out they were playing a game and Ella got out lots of little toys and said whoever catches it can keep it, throwing them about. Another little girl "Ava" caught a toy and got to keep it. DC didn't and so grabbed the toy and hid it from Ella. DC said she feels it was unfair that Ava got to keep a toy but she didn't.

We spoke about how it was wrong to hide the toy and how Ella might be feeling (DC said "sad") and I asked how can we make it better. DC not too sure on that one.

I think we are going to give the toy to the teacher tomorrow and then I'll encourage my DC to say sorry to Ella.

Bless her, that’s very honest of her.
My DD is 7, turning 8 this summer and girls and their friendships is such a hard one to tackle.
DD2 is due after DD1’s birthday so I’ll be going through it all again 😂

Original poster
itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 19:47

Right spoken to her at bedtime. Turns out they were playing a game and Ella got out lots of little toys and said whoever catches it can keep it, throwing them about. Another little girl "Ava" caught a toy and got to keep it. DC didn't and so grabbed the toy and hid it from Ella. DC said she feels it was unfair that Ava got to keep a toy but she didn't.

We spoke about how it was wrong to hide the toy and how Ella might be feeling (DC said "sad") and I asked how can we make it better. DC not too sure on that one.

I think we are going to give the toy to the teacher tomorrow and then I'll encourage my DC to say sorry to Ella.

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 19:41

Blubbles · 25/02/2025 18:18

There's nothing to manage.

You explain to her in the morning, that she shouldn't take other people's things and she'll have to return it.

Just get your daughter to give it teacher at drop off, explaining she took it home and it actually belongs to Ella.

Don't let your daughter take toys in to school. Remind her that Ella shouldn't have had it at school anyway.

Edited

You say "there's nothing to manage", then proceed to tell me step by step how to manage it. Hmm

OP posts:
yourmaw · 25/02/2025 19:07

At 4?! Yes they do! Or shopliftting toddlers would be a national problem. ! Anyway, its ideal time to instill a learned experience and accountability. Thats suppose to be a bit uncomfortable.Essentially is included as part of development. @JacqFrost ? Not flowery it up with you found it. ...(silent in dds hand.at home?) As you said,wont be 1st.time. It will be fine.
In order to prevent repeat event -yes,keep it simple. stole-can adapt to brought home(without permission). Go via teacher-had item explain not dds.
I think-you know your dds level of understnding.At 4(in fact even t 14....and i am serious)if ds mankyblanket had been left behind/missing in action/awol it would be a massive catastrophic event. was therefore easy to equate-do not take somebody elses "things". so apology would be expected. todrw the line under it never happen again.
its not that big a deal-if appropriately dealt with
I actual eyeroll at "ella shuldnt have had it" -like serves her right?people are nuts

Bollindger · 25/02/2025 18:52

Just explain that if some took her favourite toy would she want it back.
Do not use the word steal. As she could tell friends she stole it and get excluded if they tell their mums .

Then just hand it back to teacher and say your daughter said this was X's. Leave it at that.

Bigfellabamboo · 25/02/2025 18:52

Don't over think it. Just tell her not to bring things home that aren't hers and then give it to the teacher tomorrow.

Newname71 · 25/02/2025 18:50

DS did something like this when he was about 6. He came home with a couple of small toy cars that weren’t his. At first he said he’d found them, than admitted he’d taken them. I took him to see his teacher after school and explained what had happened. His teacher thanked DS for his honesty and said that was the end of the matter. DS was embarrassed but he survived 😊

Crazybaby123 · 25/02/2025 18:46

Avree, just give it back to the teacher and tell your child that tou must ask to play with peoples things and not bring them home.thats it. Don't worry too much about it it is normal. Mine went through a stage of bringing the odd nick nack from class home at that age, a block, a pencil etc.

AppropriateAdult · 25/02/2025 18:43

Some of these replies are very overwrought Hmm This happens all the same in junior classes, they're so young.

I'd be very breezy about it:
"Oh, this is Ella's? We'll have to give it back to her tomorrow, she'll be missing it!"

Then I'd give it back to mum directly if you know her ("This came home with Lucy yesterday, I think it might be Ella's?") or via the teacher, who will be very used to this scenario.

I would not chastise a 4yo, or use the words 'steal' or 'thief'. It's quite possible Ella told her she could have it - and you can reiterate your house rule that we don't bring home other people's things, even when given permission - and if not then it's a very common impulse which she will learn to control.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 18:34

itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 18:18

I'm definitely not planning to make a big deal. I'm just trying to think through the best way of managing it.

Don't overblow it, she's four. She brought back a sparkly you. You say 'We need to make sure that gets back to Ella' and give it to the teacher.

She probably can't even remember whether Ella gave it to her or not.

ServantsGonnaServe · 25/02/2025 18:34

Talk to the teacher.

Just take the toy is, say DD brought it home and share the exchange and give the toy to the teacher. They can get to the bottom if it.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 18:32

cansu · 25/02/2025 18:13

Take it off her and return it via the teacher.

Yes this.

Just tell the teacher it came home and needs to returned, you think to Ella.

JacqFrost · 25/02/2025 18:30

She's four years old. She has no understanding of what's her's and what's not her's or right from wrong at that age. Just explain you found it and it'll be fine. Won't be the first time they've had similar happen.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 25/02/2025 18:27

I'd check if she did steal it or whether her friend let her have it.

That said I was a bugger for being light fingered at that age, my mum had to take me into class and (given this was in the 1980s) I got a bollocking and didn't do it again

mynameiscalypso · 25/02/2025 18:26

I'd agree with returning it via the teacher. That's what we've been asked to do at DS school. I think it's quite a common occurrence.

Snorlaxo · 25/02/2025 18:21

Agree with return via teacher. Whether Ella gave it to her or dd took it, teacher will hopefully tell Ella not to bring toys in and dd will accept that presents from school friends are at parties only.

xWren · 25/02/2025 18:20

itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 18:12

Posting for traffic. Potentially stolen - but yet to get the facts straight!

4.5 year old came home from reception with a sparkly little toy in pocket. I asked about it and she said it was "Ella's". I asked if Ella gave it to her and she said no. Then I asked if Ella knew she had it and she said yes but got cross. After that she refused to engage in the subject so I said we would chat later when she's feeling calmer. (Straight after school never a good time).

So WWYD in this scenario? (No incidents of stealing before). To begin with I will chat to her at bathtime and try to get to the bottom of it obviously. If it turns out she has stolen it should I:

  1. Speak to her about stealing being wrong and unkind, then ask her to give it back to Ella tomorrow - or is this too much responsibility for a 4yo?
  2. Speak to her and then hand the item back to Ella's mum with an apology.
  3. Something else?

This is a hard one because kids often say “you can take it home if you like” when it comes to small objects/hair bands etc. and they’re expected back in school the next day.

I’d say “okay well I hope you haven’t taken it from Ella without asking because otherwise the teacher will be very cross as that is stealing and that is wrong… let’s give it back to Ella tomorrow.”
When you drop DC off make it a thing “DC is giving this back to Ella today, can you help make sure it gets to Ella please”.

You can’t necessarily punish as you can’t say with certainty that they stole it.

SlaveToAGoldenRetriever · 25/02/2025 18:20

Blubbles · 25/02/2025 18:18

There's nothing to manage.

You explain to her in the morning, that she shouldn't take other people's things and she'll have to return it.

Just get your daughter to give it teacher at drop off, explaining she took it home and it actually belongs to Ella.

Don't let your daughter take toys in to school. Remind her that Ella shouldn't have had it at school anyway.

Edited

Don’t be ridiculous. Two wrongs don’t make a right

Freshflower · 25/02/2025 18:19

Personally, I'd day that sparkly toy is lovely but it doesn't belong to you and always remember you must be kind and not take things from your friends just as they shouldn't to you. Then just pass it to the teach next time.

Blubbles · 25/02/2025 18:18

There's nothing to manage.

You explain to her in the morning, that she shouldn't take other people's things and she'll have to return it.

Just get your daughter to give it teacher at drop off, explaining she took it home and it actually belongs to Ella.

Don't let your daughter take toys in to school. Remind her that Ella shouldn't have had it at school anyway.

Original poster
itsmondayyy · 25/02/2025 18:18

I'm definitely not planning to make a big deal. I'm just trying to think through the best way of managing it.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 25/02/2025 18:17

Call 101, they'll be able to advise

Manchesterbythesea · 25/02/2025 18:17

Just give it to the teacher to give to Ella. Tell your child not to bring home things that don’t belong to her. Don’t make a massive deal about it, she’s only 4.

SquashedGrape1 · 25/02/2025 18:16

We've had this exact situation. I told her not to take things that weren't hers and gave it to the teacher to be returned.

Cerialkiller · 25/02/2025 18:15

2 But the apology comes from DD. It should be relatively matter-of- fact though, don't try to embarrass her beyond the returning and apology.

DD stole a little toy from a shop at 4. We turned right around and have it in to the (confused) customer service desk. DD was very upset and embarrassed even though that's all we did. She hasn't done it since.

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