To be angry I can’t practice self care

Does he take over on a weekend?

Just stick the kids on the floor in the shower with you. That’s what we used to do, was squishy but worked fine. Give them a few bath type toys suitable for messing around with and they’ll be fine while you shower.

Arrange your dental appointments and inform him when they are and let him sort himself out. Do not change them.
And just go and take a shower. Make sure the kids are somewhere safe (playpen, cot, bouncer) and go and do it.
Organise a hair cut for after work. So if you finish at 5, organise of 17:30 and do it on your way home. He has to do childcare that day.

Ask him why you have to work 24/7 and he doesn't.

I'd also be telling him that this SAHP thing doesn't work for you so you'll be getting a job and he can take half of running the house on and pay half the childcare.

Or corner him and tell him they're his fucking kids as well so you're going in the bathroom for a bit and he'd better not fucking disturb you. Just for starters.

I used to run the bath with my baby, once able to sit up, then he’d sit and play in the bath and I’d turn the shower on for me and stand up and shower while he played. It meant bath was done for him and shower for me every single day.
That doesn’t help the dentists but would mean you can clean yourself and wash your hair.
when does baby nap? Could you do some resting or yoga or your own nails then?

(As an aside, baby bouncer in the bathroom whilst I was having a shower was a winner! XH was never around, working out of the home from before kids were up til after bedtime. I had a local teenager who helped me out at tea/bath/bedtime sometimes and when the older kids had activities when my 3rd was a newborn.)

If he has such a Big Important Job that he can't take leave for childcare or to support his wife, then presumably he is earning enough money to help pay for some help for you?

I was a single mum from my pregnancy. You have to either shower before they get up/as soon as they go to bed if you have no other option. I used to have baby in a bouncy chair if I had no other way of showering.

You just have to force yourself to do things for yourself even if they are on a play mat beside you.

@LadyKenya this was more about how to bring home the message to her dh that he needs to act like a husband and father or risk losing everything.

How old is second child op? While that child is asleep have other child in cot next to bathroom and get your shower every morning. Put conditioner into dry hair before shower that wash after. But do make sure you get an hour to yourself sometimes too. Do tell your dh that he does have to parent too though and don’t forget the two of you need time together too!

And how do you propose that she moves, if she has no money, or even the energy to do so? Why do people think that it is so easy, to just leave?

Think of what you need to do for basic self care daily.
So, half an hour in the morning to start with?
This gives you time to brush your teeth, have a shower, sort out hair, moisturise, get dressed. Get your dh to look after the baby then.

Are you able to explore your area with your dc? Are there any groups you can go to?
Chat to some other adults and get to know people.
Look at local church halls and library for baby/toddler groups.
If there's a swimming pool in your area, they might do baby swim.
Or there might be buggy walks.
This is a great way to start to explore your area.

I think all of us looked worse than usual when we were new mothers with babies, so you're not alone. That's life. You just forget about the beauty regime for some time - babies come first. Do you usually work? If not, I can understand your DH - he thinks it's your job to look after kids. If your youngest is 9 months, you can put him in nursery and go back to work after 3 months. But if you normally don't work, then you must be crazy expecting the sole family earner to look after kids while you go to spa! Get a nanny for that, if you can afford it. "Self care" is a euphemism for something that used to be called vanity.

Get a babysitter. Get yourself back to feeling normal. And then address this with your partner

Lone parent working full time, had to take my daughter with me, we also travelled together, lot harder to navigate than a shower of dental appointment but saying that you have a husband who should be sharing the load with you.

It reads like he sees parenting as your job and not his, why does he get to skip being a parent!

@Prinnyj If I ask for him to watch the kids he complains about how the bills are all on him and I can’t do his job so why is he doing mine.

Is this when he's working, or when he's having some downtime? I think this is very relevant and it's not at all clear from your post. To be honest, with two young children, one who is less than a year old, I wouldn't really expect you to be getting much (if any) time away from your kids assuming you're on mat leave/SAHM.

He sounds like sexist twat. Are there cultural expectations at play here? Do you work?

Pretend you are a single parent, Op.
Devise ways of showering every day.

Organise outings every few days for you and the kids. There are free activities in parks, libraries, church playgroups etc

Well his job finished at a certain time and presumably he doesn’t work 7 days a week? So you are entitled to have hours off too.

the children aren’t your job, they’re your family. Just like they’re his too. Tell him if he feels that way then you will get a job too and he will have to pay for childcare, cleaner, gardener etc.

Neither can I, but insert method of dealing with it that works for the hair type in question. Rinse it in the shower and condition it and run a wide tooth comb through it. Whatever works.

Depends on the hair type, I can't run a brush through my curly hair twice a day.

My advice-
Get a job
Get childcare in place
Tell 'd' h how much that is equally pay it
Save up
Leave

Also, hair gets matted if you don't brush it. What is stopping you running a brush through your hair twice a day and sticking it in a bobble?

That isn't "self care" - it's a basic need that takes two minutes a day.

You talked about him not taking them when he's working, and tbf, that's not unreasonable although he should have made time for your dental appointments.

Do you work?

What happens at weekends? Can you book a hair appointment then.

I used to shower before the children qoke up/after they were asleep. They aren't awake 24/7 - I did my nails, hair treatments etc around their sleep times.

Dentist aside I'm not going to immediately condemn the man because there isn't enough information. Is he the sole earner? Are you asking him to look after the children whilst he's working? How much does he work?

would love a spa day, get my nails or eyelashes done and feel nice about myself

I think you have a more fundamental issue here, that lashes and nails won't really help with. If you take your DH out of the question, how might you be able to get a shower, brush your teeth and hair a couple of times a day if you were a single parent? How might that be achievable? Head towards that.

Small steps, tackle the matted hair issue, get the matting dealt with and cut to a length you can cope with and commit to brushing it twice a day when you brush your teeth. Let your kids watch you do this, they need teaching how to look after themselves and that is down to you, they will copy you. Keep it up. Take a five minute shower a day, take the kids in the bathroom with you, stick the baby in a high chair and put the toddler at your feet. Or force yourself to do it when they're asleep before you get in bed. Keep it up.

A spa day won't help you, but you do need to be clean and cared for in order to look after your children. When you are clean with brushed hair you might then feel more able to go out and about with your children. Which will in turn make you feel better in general. You mention family is too far away, do you have anyone in real life who you can ask for help?