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AIBU?

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Original poster

Full of guilt for choosing to have one child

29 replies

Patternsonthewater · 25/02/2025 10:16

My DS is 6. I had a very straightforward pregnancy and a planned c section as he was breech. I had no complications and I breastfed really well, although it was traumatic to get started - I fed him for a year.

However, I really struggled with the transition to becoming a parent, I have recently discovered I have ADHD and Autism (late diagnosed). I thought I was suffering with PND but I now realise it was the overwhelm and demands of having a baby and toddler. The first 18 months were a blur, I struggled to leave the house and I was alone all day - my parents and extended family all live the other end of the country - I moved here 10 years ago, as soon as my DH came home, I’d give him DS and I’d go upstairs or into another room to get away from it all, then Covid hit. I had a bit of a breakdown during that time.

DS is also showing signs of ND and is on the waiting list for assessment. He never slept as a baby and still struggles now, he comes into our bed every night and we have to lay with him to get him off to sleep each evening.
He is very clever, funny, quirky and loving. However, he is very demanding and high maintenance, for want of a better word. But I can’t help thinking how guilty I am that he won’t experience a sibling like me and my DH have. And I’m scared he’ll be lonely. Sometimes it seems like he is, although we do loads with him and meet up with friends a lot.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 25/02/2025 10:40

You sound like a brilliant mum who has thought very seriously about how to prioritise the needs of her child.
You worked really hard to care for him in difficult circumstances after he was born.
You look after your own health and his.
You make a lot of effort as he is high needs.

After 6 years of being an only child, likely more by the time a new baby arrives, he quite possibly going to be thrilled at having a sibling and the age gap will be a problem in terms of playing together.

He's happy, nobody needs a sibling.

Whoonearthareyou · 25/02/2025 10:39

Fellow late diagnosed ADHD mother here: you're overthinking it. Many only children are very happy in life, some are not, same as children with siblings. Your mental health and well being matters more than having another child in the hope your existing child will somehow benefit.

ReadingParty · 25/02/2025 10:28

Well, for comparison, I have one child by choice and it never seriously occurred to me to contemplate a second, before or after his birth. I certainly wouldn't have had another child I didn't want, for any reason, and certainly not to provide an existing child with a sibling. Any decision you make will have consequences for your child, obviously -- my parents' decision to have five children they couldn't afford had significant consequences for all of us, for instance. Your child won't have a sibling, no. That's a neutral situation, not a negative. You say you're modelling good friendships for him. That's absolutely a good decision, regardless of siblings or not.

javamum · 25/02/2025 10:24

We have a large family and I think my ASD teen would have had a much easier ride if we didn't! He was diagnosed a lot later and clashes with siblings with very different personalities have made our home life quite tricky at times. Especially as you understand and can accommodate him, and you will be able to craft a lot of routines and holidays with his needs at the forefront, I think it will mean home is a real refuge for him.

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