To not want the funeral filmed

Indeed. I've attended a funeral recently that was live-linked for those who couldn't attend (which included a disabled family member) and also watched a live stream of my SiL's funeral, held in America. I can't see a problem with it.

I wonder if the OP's DH thinks it will be a recording, rather than a live link and this is what's putting him off?

I am not sure that funerals are seen as private by religious people. They're meant to be public in order that people acknowledge the passing of a member of the community, aren't they? Your DH is grieving so all his decisions come from a son's desire to protect his mum, which is lovely.

My dad's funeral is on youtube because many relatives live abroad and didn't want to miss it, but couldn't afford to come. I doubt anyone but close family will ever watch the video. Why would they? So even if it is filmed it remains private.

Turn the focus back to MIL. Did she have a good relationship with those who can't be there and who would view the recording? If she did and they can't be there but want to be involved I think it's fine. If it's for people that MIL didn't have any time for, that would change my view.

If a funeral is a way to celebrate the life of those who have passed, thinking about what they would have wanted must be paramount.

Your DH and Sil - it's not about the recording, it's the big feelings focused on something trivial.

I had this eight weeks ago and was adamant I didn’t want it streamed but my sister due to disability and distance could not attend and so with I arranged a live view of the funeral for her that was streamed by the crematorium.

it was £55, it was only for that moment in time, I got sent a login and password which I sent to her the week before. She told me it looked over mine and the kids heads towards the coffin and the celebrant.

I would discuss it with the funeral directors, at least you are in control of the situation.

The password then expires, but I must warn you and it’s worth checking with the funeral directors I was a bit shocked to receive another email a couple of days later with and updated password, so I do think I could have then watched a recording. I haven’t spoken to the funeral directors about this and I’ve not used it to know if it works but I expect it will as someone told me they record all the funerals for some reason, not sure why and I don’t know if this is true.

you need a code to watch a stream
it is not a public option

OP, please could you clarify if you mean “filmed” as in live streamed by the funeral place, or a camcorder/recorder set up?

if live streamed I think it’s very common these days and no issue. It’s usually set up inconspicuously from a distance and not intrusive. And it’s not recorded as such, it’s only accessible online. If someone is bringing along a camcorder I would feel differently.

I watched the live stream funeral of my closest Friends husband during covid. (Friend had died 3 years earlier)
Sound quality was good so able to hear eulogy clearly. Picture quality iffy, fixed camera from high up so just saw back of attendees heads. Couldn't recognise their son.
I attended another post covid streamed funeral which was well attended but streamed mainly for family in far East (daughter too pregnant to fly). The celebrant looked up (I assume at the camera) when she was talking about the deceased's family to really include them.

Each to their own, but for me this would be totally unacceptable. I get the issue about people who can't be there, but am simply not fond of the idea that every last thing has to be filmed, and especially at such a difficult occasion

As PPs have said, maybe you could ask if the venue has a live streaming service, which would at least be better than the risk of getting some videographer who was less than discreet - like the Zeffirelli wannabee who turned up and ponced around a recent one I attended

The best of luck with it anyway; emotions will understandably be running high and I don't imagine this will be easy

This. I loathe these live link funerals complete with passwords etc. Omg must everything be available for viewing these days.

If you can make it, lovely. If you can't then visit the grave or wherever at a later date. I think it is really intrusive to those attending knowing there are people watching their every move.

One of the deceased children, the other would like it filmed/live cast. And the mourners are not typically included, just the people speaking and the casket.

I'm sorry but I didn't think funerals were about " including" people.

They are supposed to be about the person who has just died.About reflecting on the life of the deceased. You don't need a film of the funeral to do that.

It just seems to be feeding into the obsession these days that literally EVERYTHING needs to be photographed/ filmed/ posted on the internet/ shared with the world. For a lot of people everything needs to be a performance now.

When my Nan passed away, a family member decided to record everything on his old camcorder like it was a wedding or something. Literally us getting into the cars and everything. That was weird.

From what I've seen online that type of thing seems to be a growing trend. But I'd agree most people just have the live stream or a video of the speakers with the coffin in the background. I have been at two funerals, one a close family member, where that was the case. It was completely discreet.

It depends on what you mean, is there someone specific who is missing it?

I hardly think anyone would be watching it “for entertainment” so I don’t really think that’s a fair argument.

My aunt by marriage passed away last year. Her mum lives in Hong Kong & she has brothers and sisters all over the world. So like pp, the funeral was streamed, so they could watch. I'm not comfortable with filming a funeral though. It's not the same context as a christening or a wedding. It seems inappropriate to keep something like that.

Your DH and SiL have to sort out their differences between themselves. They have equal say over the funeral arrangements.

There's a big difference between making a film of it and streaming it live. When my mother died, numbers were still restricted so we opted for the crematorium to stream it. The link does not remain forever (I think it was 2 days) therefore no film of it exists now. So no film was made.

The film will show the service, not the mourners. We had this done for overseas relatives, it was very tasteful and a good way to include the overseas 'oldies' who couldn't attend.

Let them know that MIL thought it was crass to film funerals and would have been horrified at the thought.

I would ask the funeral director for a live link, this will be available for about a month then it’s removed. I think it would be very sad not to have a live link for those who can’t attend. I wasn’t able to attend my brothers funeral but I was so grateful that I could in a sense be there and grieve with my extended family. There’s no way it was classed as viewing entertainment and I don’t know how anyone can say that about a funeral, it’s a very sad time that those who loved the deceased person and want to share in that final goodbye.

Very sorry for your loss ❤️
She took a picture at his wake? Did she take a picture of his coffin? You're a much better woman than me I'd have put her out of the house if so

I live abroad - work here, have children in school here. There have been occasions I’ve been unable to attend family members funerals, it absolutely broke my heart. I’ve been incredibly thankful when a live stream of funeral has been set up - I’ve been able to take the day off work to take part remotely and it’s given me that closure I very much needed. I’ve always respected the views of people back home but I truly feel that as long as the congregation isn’t filmed it’s okay. It truly would have broke my heart recently when my beloved aunt passed to be told I couldn’t pay my respects from afar. I couldn’t take the kids out of school and my passport had expired, which made me feel like the worst person alive. To then also miss the funeral would have torn me to shreds.

I have full respect and feel your DH but please, please explain how it can be done very tastefully and how much it could mean to those not present.
I understand not wanting it recorded on like a mobile device that’s stored forever and could end up on social media though.

People who don't come to pay last respects, don't get to be part of it. I understand they can have valid reasons for not being able to attend, but not being able to attend is just that - not being able to be part of it.

My mother's funeral was filmed as the building had no live streaming facilities. We could just see the celebrant, the casket and the attendees seated, then the people who got up to deliver eulogies.

She clearly says it's SIL who wants it filmed?

Admittedly she doesn't specify who the people who can't make it who SIL wants it filmed for are, and I think that could make a difference. Eg if it's a sibling or grandchild of the deceased, and it's a genuine reason they can't attend, then I think they should do everything they can to accommodate them. Less important if it's just a vague idea that maybe some friends might not be able to get there.

Why would his opinion trump his sister's?

In Ireland and they stream most funerals now so people can see who can’t come