To not want the funeral filmed

Attending a funeral either in person or via a video link is not exclusively about showing support. It's also about acknowledging the life of the deceased and your relationship to them. I understand this is different in different places but I think this is generally how it is in the many funerals I've attended at churches and crematoriums in England. You're allowed to feel grief and loss even if the deceased was someone who you haven't seen in years or worked with remotely and never met in real life. Funerals serve many different purposes.

Also, at some funerals, there is no one left to 'offer support' to. But it is still very much worth going to the funeral whether in person or virtually.

For my parents' funerals the undertaker organised a fixed camera set up and gave us a code so that elderly people who couldn't travel could access it online.

It was available with the code for 48 hours I think, so was quite 'private. You can choose who gets the code.

Quite a common set up I think

That shocks me. At our crematorium they are clear that mourners can not be filmed

@JoyousGreyOrca the mourners were very visible in the funeral I attended that was filmed. I was horrified.

It's not about DH v SIL here surely? It's SIL plus the people who want to see it v DH.

Personally I don't like being filmed but if it was a stationary camera showing service only, or better still a live stream that is not recorded I would go with it. If the mourners are on camera and anyone can rewatch then I'd agree with your DH. Far too intrusive

Since Covid it has become usual as they acquired the technology in, they offer now because it’s such a popular service provided to those relatives who live abroad or can’t attend for other reasons (e.g are poorly). I think it’s a wonderful thing and I have watched a funeral via a secure link (the one I watched was abroad but I know other people who have watched because they were too ill to attend).

They do not film the attendees. Just the service

My husband’s grandmothers funeral was filmed. Afterwards his mother told us she’d watched back the recording multiple times and told us that she’d watched how me and my husband had supported each other during the funeral and how sweet we were. It was the strangest thing, felt so creepy. That was not my circus, not my monkeys but I hate funerals being filmed, they’re not TV shows.

We felt the same for my gran's funeral. There was nobody who physically couldn't get there due to reasonable circumstances. However we knew that if we offered the live stream option there would be several who would close that over moving their arses and getting themselves there. So we didn't offer the option and valued those who made the effort to be there.

No sign of an anecdote. I'd call that argument conjectural or speculative. Or completely made up.

‘I bet’ isn’t much of an argument, is it'

Anecdotal which is what you'll get on a chat forum. It's like funerals in general tbh, many people insist they are going to pay their respects when they probably haven't spoken to the deceased for months if not years. So much performance goes on and now we have live streaming to add.

Disclaimer I'm not talking about close family and friends.

Well on that basis surely attending the actual funeral is also for entertainment. I have to say you do have a very odd idea of what entertainment is.

I watched my uncle's in Canada from here in the UK. I think it is pretty common these days. But you can choose what is seen - we didn't see the coffin at all for example.

‘I bet’ isn’t much of an argument, is it? You are suggesting that the ‘sort of people’ who would watch a livestream are also the ‘sort of people’ who don’t care about the bereaved once the funeral is over. It’s such a nonsensical way of thinking that I can’t even get my head around it. I’m thinking perhaps that makes me the lucky one.

There's absolutely nothing at all to stop anyone from doing both. They are not mutually exclusive, you know.

We got calls from those who watched on livestream. Still do. Contact hasn't broken off. We got cards and flowers too and even ran out of space for them all!

You are really showing yourself to be stuck in the past. You don't want to use livestreaming and that's fine. Don't. Don't be surprised though if someone who isn't able to travel to a funeral you arrange asks whether you are doing it though, so that they can be"there" virtually and involved. It could even be a close family member. Then you can tell them no because you don't believe funerals are entertainment.

Nobody is sitting down with buckets of popcorn to watch a funeral.

The world moves on. It's not really a very good argument to insist that in the past people just accepted that some relatives and friends couldn't attend, so we should keep it like this forever more. The facility is there to allow people to watch their loved one's funeral and, personally, I think it's wonderful. To each his own I suppose.

My cousin was unable to attend his own dad's funeral about 20 years ago because he suffered from agoraphobia. Imagine what a difference it could have made to him, being able to hear the eulogy and listen to the music personally chosen by his dad. My mum's funeral was live-streamed a couple of years ago and her brother, who was in his nineties and lived in another part of the country, was able to watch. He contacted me and said how lovely it had been to listen to all the beautiful words about his sister and that it had brought back many happy memories of their childhood. Also, two of her sisters watched as they were too ill to travel. I had no awareness of the camera and the livestream was only mentioned in passing by the minister as he welcomed everyone to the service, including those who couldn't attend in person.

We were offered loads of support by those who couldn't come and watched on livestream. There were cards, phone calls, flowers etc. Many of them still phone my mother now, four years on.

Yes they are 2 different things. My point is I bet those adamant watching via cam was very important to show their respects didn't follow it up with offering any kind of actual support.

I know someone whose dad died. He'd walked out on them when quite small.
She wanted to go to his funeral but was aware it could be awkward even though his second family invited her.
She decided to watch on line and got a lot of comfort from that, especially when they mentioned her as a daughter. They got in contact afterwards and she's now got a relationship with her half siblings.

Way hing on line is easier for some people. She wouldn't have felt able to go in person.

Surely it's no different from the friends and family who were physically present, witnessing this? I went to the funeral of a colleague's 16 year old. My colleague let out a terrible loud, primal sound at one point. I'll never forget it. But the virtual presence of one of her close relatives would be no more intrusive than my physical presence, surely? Especially as I was not as close to her as the relative?

Personally I'd only give the code to people who were very close to me or to the deceased. There's nothing entertaining or nosy about those few people being part of the funeral.

@Gloriia did you have any funerals in COVID times? Do you think people should not have live streamed funerals then?

If you have far flung relatives, elderly relatives who would struggle even with a short journey, but want to pay their respects, I can't see a problem with live streaming.

TBH I've only known one example of this and that was a couple of years ago.

Many of my family's elderly relatives and friends have died recently and some mourners weren't able to attend as they too were old.

I wonder if this is location-dependent?

I did watch my friend's wife's funeral and it felt quite unreal and mawkish TBH.

I sent a letter to him and felt it was better to sit and have a quiet think about her rather than be a remote spectator.

Indeed. All those present support each other but to have watchers is intrusive imo but each to their own obviously.

Yes. It was through them calling and talking to me that I realised how much it had meant to her Australian relatives to be able to be part of MIL's funeral.

There's quite an odd lack of logic going on in this thread.

But they are two different things. You can ring and talk as well as watch the live stream.