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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have decided not to host this friend at my house until I've gone to hers

38 replies

Gotosleepeveryeffingone · 25/02/2025 05:29

Sorry long post but this has bothered me for a while now.

Growing up I remember hosting someone at your house was a big deal and to keep things fair there was an unwritten rule that once so and so aunty had come over with her family there would be an invite to come over to hers.
Now I appreciate my friend is not family and may not have had the same upbringing but in the last ten years I think I've been to her house once to visit her -she had 3 small children back then and I had none so I was happy to make the journey and since I moved into my current home less than 4 years ago she's been over 8-9 times at least. I've often hinted / out right said I'd love to visit you/ see how your place has changed / come over to yours but not once got an invite.

When the teacher strikes were happening I felt she took the proverbial p and kinda invited herself over, turned up a few hours late so I couldn't run errands in the morning and I know I didn't have to make so much effort but felt obliged to use my day off to ensure cleaner came, tidied whole house, cooked food for all of us and planned something fun for them to do. She didn't stick to shoes off policy when we nipped back to use bathroom despite having returned from a muddy park and her kid left literal sh*t on my toilet seat.She was the last one to use bathroom so she didn't clean it either.

We had a heated conversation when I was weeks away from giving birth and she wanted to come over again and I did not have the energy to host...she came over anyway as I mentioned I had another friend popping round in the afternoon she could swing by and she arrived in the evening and stayed till 10pm, when I couldn't even keep my eyes open whilst talking to her and the surprise friend she brought over.
YANBU = to not invite her to your house again
YABU = she's making the effort to come and see you.

OP posts:
MyIvyGrows · 25/02/2025 06:52

YABU for being such a pushover. Say no, mean it, and stick to it if you don’t want to host someone.

agree with a PP though that you seem to have a bit of a hang up about “hosting”. A friend coming over with their kids for a couple of hours shouldn’t be treated like a dinner party.

Original poster
Gotosleepeveryeffingone · 25/02/2025 06:49

@timetodecide2345 your post seems unnecessarily harsh. I very clearly did say no when I was pregnant and for good measure threw in an expletive - the hormones did not help.
@olympicsrock that second time was supposed to be exactly that, light and easy and I mentioned a friend was popping in for a cuppa tea and she was welcome to join...she just turned it into an evening thing with her arrival and did bring lots of food ..none of which I could actually eat due to GD during pregnancy mind..

OP posts:
gettingthehangofsewing · 25/02/2025 06:47

I disagree with the turn taking, some people like to host others are less keen. But the way she treats you is poor, I'd dial back the friendship for that.

Beesandhoney123 · 25/02/2025 06:46

She is not a friend. She is an acquaintance whom happen to have dc around the same age as yours. You are useful and think she likes you so put up with bad manners.

Don't let her in. Just say ' please don't drop in, I'm busy' you are allowed to be busy doing bugger all. It's not her call to make.

Put yourself and your dc first.

B1indEye · 25/02/2025 06:41

The problem appears to stem from your upbringing, are there cultural reasons for what you describe as "hosting"?

Regardless, the solution is in your hands , don't invite her round again

BillyNoProblems · 25/02/2025 06:34

You are under no obligation to invite her round yours, you can easily meet somewhere else, eg cafe or for a walk.

You seem to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself with getting the cleaner round, preparing food etc. There's no need for a big effort, have your friends round for a cup of tea or an oven pizza, keep it simple and it will become less of a big deal. Did you grow up with certain expectations on hosting?

Fraaances · 25/02/2025 06:11

Oh hell no..... She's a leech. She has no respect for you or your boundaries. I think you need to state that she is lazy and entitled in relationships and your priorities lie elsewhere.

AgentJohnson · 25/02/2025 06:05

The issue is this 'friend' doesn't respect you or your boundaries, rather than the pattern of venues.

This

I don’t know why people insist on referring to people as friends when it’s clear they aren’t, unless CFuckery is a trait you are attracted to.

missdeamenor · 25/02/2025 06:02

Don't allow anyone to use and abuse your hospitality. Too many piss takers who think it's acceptable to invite themselves.

Killam · 25/02/2025 05:58

Make less effort. The effort you are making is a subconscious distance you are putting between yourself and having normal friends.

You don't have to be friends with this woman if you don't like her. She's not mandatory. But think, separately, about why you've made up complicated rules and a big fuss over people coming round. Let people (that you like) come round to your house - make it casual and easy - let yourself have a life like that. It's a happier way to be.

verycloakanddaggers · 25/02/2025 05:54

You're incorrect about that 'rule'. I've had friends who always come to me, friends where I always go them, and friends where we split it.

The issue is this 'friend' doesn't respect you or your boundaries, rather than the pattern of venues.

olympicsrock · 25/02/2025 05:46

Do what makes you happy. I wouldn’t be giving her hospitality ( a meal or visit with fanfare) but a cuppa on your terms could be ok IF you want to. If you don’t the don’t ask her.

timetodecide2345 · 25/02/2025 05:37

Don't you have the word NO in your vocabulary? She's a cheeky *** 'Can I come and stay?' NO. 'Hi I'm outside I've just dropped by' I'm busy go away' etc etc