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Original poster

Mother is barely speaking to me wwyd?

120 replies

Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 04:42

NC to start this thread.

Background: I grew up as a black sheep in a sometimes very violent but always psychologically damaging household. My father did not want children, and lashed out at me frequently and violently, and said he hated us regularly. I don’t have a single memory of him hugging or smiling at me, or feeling anything but anger towards me. He just openly counted down to the day he could throw me out. I was on my own at the age of 16.

To this day he is not interested in either my brother or me. My brother was the golden child, so my mother shielded him from much of the violence, she did not do the same for me. As a result I have scars both inside and out.

My parents are still together, although I believe it is a mutually coercive and manipulative relationship. Almost transactional, I was only ever happy anywhere away from home as a child and spent most of my life outside. I learnt to make the best of things and lie low.

Fast forward to now. I have a family of my own, and we live around 3 hours from my parents.

When I had children of my own I realised how awful my own childhood was, and I moved away to provide a calm and happy childhood for my dc.

My mother took it very, very badly and has felt deep resentment ever since, saying I took her ‘grandchildren away from her’. Despite accepting it was a better life for them. In all honesty I wanted to keep them away from my toxic family as far as possible. Although initially we visited every three weeks, and I called my mother every day.

We had to stop seeing my father when he started to abuse my own children by calling them names and degrading them.

My mother felt I should tolerate him, for her sake, but I can’t as I fear he will make my dc anorexic (I am a recovered, as far as possible, anorexic myself, thanks to him) and ruin their self esteem at best. He has a nasty temper, and can blow up at the smallest thing. My dc haven’t seen him in over five years.

Up to a year ago we just saw my mother alone, and tired to continue a relationship of sorts. Last year she became quite abusive towards me, calling me names, blaming me for the family’s problems and always trying to make me feel I am not good enough/not doing enough.
She is angry I won’t play happy families and allow my father near my dc. It comes out in a million PA ways. She never stops reminding me of what I have done.

For the sake of keeping some relationship with her, i have tried to keep things light mostly, but I told her she has hurt me with the things she has said, and the name calling. She then proceeded to cut me off for six months, and stopped talking to me.altogether.

She did this before for nearly a year, she has form for giving me extended periods of silent treatment. This hurts me, as I feel abandoned and hurt, even though I am adult now. It makes me feel terrible. It’s my punishment it feels like.

Just before Christmas she got back in touch, as if nothing had happened. Expected me to visit her, bring presents and play along.

I felt too afraid to really challenge her as she just cuts me off the minute I say I am upset/hurt. So we haven’t discussed any of this in any detail, I am expected to gloss over it, she is pretending like nothing has happened, chatting about the weather and sending me gushing messages that she misses me and loves me more than life itself. It all feels very hollow.

I just feel so confused. She says she has a ‘phone phobia’ but I know that isn’t true as she speaks to her sister every single day. She also calls my brother. She just never calls me. Ever. She just refuses to engage properly, and just sends texts only talking mainly about the weather or her undying love for me.

I don’t know how to manage this relationship anymore.

It feels empty and pointless, superficial in many respects, but somehow I feel I must continue to make some effort with her as she is my mother, and is getting older. I feel so sad we have no real relationship. It just feels so upsetting and empty that it has come to this.

Mother’s Day is coming, and I’m already having sleepless nights about what to do.

I have panic attacks at the thought of driving to see her now or bumping into my father again. I don’t know what I would even say to her now.

What would you do in my place?

OP posts:
Hairoit · 25/02/2025 16:00

Oh love. You need to walk away from them. Making the decision and going through with it may cause you initial pain but your family is just causing you constant ongoing pain. You can be free of it. You absolutely can.

Focus on your real family, your husband, children and the friends who love you. That is your future. Get professional help and work on yourself. You sound like a wonderful person who has thrived despite them.

StopGo · 25/02/2025 15:55

@Biscuitsnotcookies my back story is similar to yours. I have no family apart from my children. My parents/abusers are dead as are my husband, sibling, aunts and uncles. There is no one left. I understand what you mean by feeling vulnerable, I've sorted out my will etc which I find helps.

Find a different therapist and live your life well. You and your children don't need these abusers in your lives. Block them, change your phone, email etc.

Rfvvvv · 25/02/2025 14:43

OP, i know someone like you in an almost identical situation.
She too moved hours away.
She has told people for years she was an only child and her parents had past.

She actually believes it because they are dead to her.
She blocked them 20 years ago and embraced the peace and has gained the acceptance that they will never change.

She found the dead narrative helpful as it meant no further conversation.

Consider blocking them and thinking of them as dead.
Remaining in contact is a mistake IMO.
Wishing you well.

gamerchick · 25/02/2025 14:34

What would you do in my place?

What I did do. I went no contact. I took away the power and just stopped.

It's peaceful and I don't regret it. I don't see my family, they know where I am but the freedom of not being the whipping boy is more than worth it.

It does sound as if it would do you go good mg through this with a professional though.

Original poster
Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 14:27

I have felt such support and kindness on these pages, thank you for all of your posts. I’m going to keep referring back to it.

I notice I always get more wobbly around Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter. I need to do more to prepare for them. Dh has just booked a weekend away, he is very supportive and knows certain days are hard, and MD is definitely one of them. This year I might try and celebrate the fact my dc have turned out to be really lovely people. That motherhood for me was mostly really enjoyable and rewarding, and we have a strong connection to our children that feels really deep rooted. Thank you, it feels easier when I think of all the things I do have (and not agonising over the things I don’t have)

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 25/02/2025 12:40

@Biscuitsnotcookies sorry but you have joy with your young family and dh. you do notneed to see her or speak to her or even have contact with her. certainly not when she drags you down on each occasion. you need to sever ties with her once and for all.

EmeraldDreams73 · 25/02/2025 12:33

WonderingWanda · 25/02/2025 06:18

I'm so sorry that you've got such abusive parents op. Your mother continues to abuse you. I think when your therapist talked about acceptance you might have interpreted it as putting up with it. The therapist is correct, she is never going to change or be the kind loving mother you deserve....for whatever messed up reasons of her own she has some very unpleasant behaviour patterns. As scary and heartbreaking as it is I think you do need to break off all ties with them. They are not behaving like a family and if your aunt reduces contact with you then this just shows how enmeshed in the abuse she is as well.

You've done a great job so far protecting your kids. Now you need to protect yourself. You can invest your time and energy in building friendships instead. I agree with others, I think you would benefit from more therapy to work through this.

Absolutely agree with all of this. It's incredibly sad and I'm so sorry you've been landed with such a shit family of origin, OP. But toxic abusive family is not better than no family. You've done a brilliant job creating your own loving family, both in your household and with friends. In your shoes I too would be continuing therapy, drawing a line, and working on acceptance (which doesn't mean accepting you have to be treated like shit! Just that they won't change, so your only control is in your own choices around that).

I wish I could give you a big hug. You deserve better. X

nc42day · 25/02/2025 12:33

You are loved, and you have family, both chosen and your own new family that your parent's do not get a free pass to belong to. Importantly, you have broken the cycle. That is huge. But it doesn't go down well with the originators of the abuse, because in their eyes, if you're not with them, you're against them. They have to be "wrong" or you do. It's a no brainer for them and extremely difficult for you.

Father's going to "father", Mother is going to "mother' and your job is to let them. And then decide if that is something you want for yourself and your family going forward. Do you want what they bring? You can choose. And if you can get to a place where you're ok with them thinking whatever they think of you, then you are free.

You are so capable of articulating what's going on here, but there's still that deep need to have the mother you want, and the mother we all deserve, but do not all get. It's here where you can find the peace you are looking for, and where the work around acceptance comes in, followed by the grieving for both you now, and you as a child. There is lots more work you can do with a therapist here and I wish you all the very best.

TorroFerney · 25/02/2025 12:26

Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 06:09

It would mean not having any family at all if I walk away. My aunt would distance herself, my father is out of the picture and my brother no longer speaks to me because he doesn’t want to compromise his relationship with them and is ‘on my fathers side’ in his words.

i would be truly on my own, as my in laws have died and dhs only sibling alsi died sadly. It would mean having no family whatsoever.

The relief would come from not worrying about how to manage it all, for family occasions especially, and not holding hope where there is none.

It would be the total loss of hope, and never seeing or hearing her voice again, which she seems content to run that risk, but for me it’s an enormous loss. I am not medicated, I see this with total clarity. It would be similar to a bereavement but she is still alive..

Edited

Your husband and children are your family, you have family. I know it’s the grooming you’ve received but they should be your priority not your mother and aunt.

Wishimaywishimight · 25/02/2025 12:09

For the life of me I cannot see why you continue to try and maintain a relationship with a woman who treats you with such utter disregard and contempt.

You gain nothing from this relationship, absolutely nothing. Stop torturing yourselfand back away for good.

couchparsnip · 25/02/2025 11:55

I have read all of your posts and am struck by how well and eloquently you write about such a difficult topic.
You have a talent for it and if you started a blog or wrote a book I would read every word.

Anyway.. you know intellectually that you need to cut her off entirely but it must be so hard emotionally. I admire your strength and resilience and am sure you will come through this even stronger.
Good luck 🤞🏼 OP.

bellsend · 25/02/2025 11:44

What an awful childhood you had, I really feel for you, especially with the abuse continuing now into adulthood.

they are abusers. Cut them off and live fear free.

CuteEasterBunny · 25/02/2025 11:41

Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 06:09

It would mean not having any family at all if I walk away. My aunt would distance herself, my father is out of the picture and my brother no longer speaks to me because he doesn’t want to compromise his relationship with them and is ‘on my fathers side’ in his words.

i would be truly on my own, as my in laws have died and dhs only sibling alsi died sadly. It would mean having no family whatsoever.

The relief would come from not worrying about how to manage it all, for family occasions especially, and not holding hope where there is none.

It would be the total loss of hope, and never seeing or hearing her voice again, which she seems content to run that risk, but for me it’s an enormous loss. I am not medicated, I see this with total clarity. It would be similar to a bereavement but she is still alive..

Edited

You have your husband and kids. They are the only family you need.

CuteEasterBunny · 25/02/2025 11:39

Cut all contact. They are still trying to abuse you.

iamnotalemon · 25/02/2025 11:35

Oh I'm really sorry you've been through this and are still being treated in this way x

IAmTheLittleThings · 25/02/2025 11:13

@Biscuitsnotcookies what fabulous insight you have.
This is a huge starting point.
I know to get here you have suffered greatly at the hands of the people who are meant to love you and nurture you, but these people are broken and useless to you.
As much as you feel you'd have 'no family ' if you cut your mother off, family doesn't have to be blood relatives.
I class many friends as family, wonderful people who know me far better than some family members.
We are there for each other, day or night if need be.
I hope you find peace with the decision you make, you deserve to be fully happy 🌼

PussInBin20 · 25/02/2025 10:52

Aww you poor thing. They all sound horrid and your DM I suspect is probably jealous of you.

I think you need to let go, or as you say, the cycle will continue. You don’t need her and she brings you no joy or love so let her get on with it.

Original poster
Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 10:41

I know I was just a small child, and like all little children I was innocent and did not cause their problems, on an intellectual level I know this.

They didn’t want to do any actual parenting or look after our needs, the point of my very existence was to keep my mother entertained, and happy - it literally was exactly that, and when I had normal human needs and emotions I became selfish, irritating and demanding. There was only room for dm’s needs.

And nothing at all has changed or moved on from this ever since. I idolised my mother too much (I was well trained) I thought she was a living angel, and I had to work very hard for her to notice me. In trying to capture her love/attention/ affection I kind of sold my own soul. Lost who I was as a person.

I recognise she expects the same now, but I have changed, woken up, and realised I am not here to serve her despite what she thinks, and I have been fighting for some oxygen ever since to focus on what is important to me.

It’s been such a long, arduous process because my natural inclination is to love, forgive, understand we are all flawed etc and I haven’t been able to feel any anger.

On some level I am very fearful of her, and becoming aware of my fear helps me realise I need to be protected. It activates my self preservation.

This is not a person I can ever trust. My whole axis shifts when I realise I am not safe around her.

She is the sweetest older lady, butter would not melt type, so carefully crafted to look so benign and sweet- but it’s a wolf in lambs clothing and you don’t have to scratch too far to see what’s really underneath. I know this stems from her own childhood I guess, but she has been an adult for several decades, she had so many choices to be a better and kinder person.

I can’t magic this into a ‘working’ relationship because she doesn’t want it, she wants drama, upset and misery.

I spent long enough there as a child, I do think now is the time to find a new flock of like minded birds, so I can finally leave this behind. To be confident my own wings are strong enough now to be on my own.

I must start to take care of my own self, and stop their access and trashing of my peace of mind. This is my responsibility, not theirs.

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 25/02/2025 09:11

Please do go back to therapy but do not use the same therapist again.

I think that you sound absolutely lovely and you should be so proud of yourself for breaking the cycle, moving away and protecting your children. You’ve been a fantastic mother to them.

You have a husband, children and lovely friends. You will never be alone, they are your family. Never feel worried about what others may think, many of us out there have created our ‘family’ not from blood relations. People we have chosen, better people, kinder people. You’ve pretty much lived that way for your entire life, you’ve gotten nothing from your parents or sibling except negativity, blame, abuse and vile behaviour. They have never been loving or supportive and bring nothing to your life except misery. It’s about accepting that reality and realising you’ve got this far on your own, you’ve smashed it despite everything you’re up against and you can bloody well continue to do so.

I liked the idea you had for joining a community. Doesn’t necessarily have to be religious in nature, there will be all sorts of friendly, close groups around you - everything from walking clubs to book clubs. If it helps you feel more confident in your decision to cut your awful mother off then absolutely go for it.

Mother’s day is YOUR day now. If you feel you must then arrange for some flowers to be delivered and plan the day around your family and yourself and do not give it a second thought.

I would cut her off, never speak to any of them again and enjoy my life surrounded by the people I love, in peace. None of this is your fault, you have never done anything wrong. I hope one day you can do that for yourself and be free of these awful people.

Lottapianos · 25/02/2025 09:11

'It would be the total loss of hope, and never seeing or hearing her voice again, which she seems content to run that risk, but for me it’s an enormous loss. I am not medicated, I see this with total clarity. It would be similar to a bereavement but she is still alive..'

You're absolutely spot on and this is beautifully written. I can feel the sadness and despair in your words, and I relate so deeply. You sound extremely self- aware and empathetic. It is so painful to let go of that last glimmer of hope that things might be different one day. I'm going through the same process with my sister, and it really hurts

You're aware of the guilt and the pain and the grief, and they are real for sure, but you're already making some space for the relief that would come with not having this woman in your life anymore. It's very easy for others to say 'cut her out and be happy' but you know it's not that simple, it's not like flicking a switch. If you do decide to stop contact with her, you will feel a whole mix of things, and that's entirely understandable. You're entirely right that it would be a process, like grieving a death. You can do it though, I have no doubt. You're already starting to choose yourself rather than her. I highly recommend seeing a therapist to help you along this journey, whichever path you take. And yes, the Stately Homes thread is a great place to hang out. Sending you a hug x

Treacletoots · 25/02/2025 09:10

I have a very similar experience to you OP. I'm sorry you've been through this.

Can I just start by saying, you did not deserve this, and you are not responsible for their behavior when you were just a child. I say this because you have held on to that responsibility as an adult in the form of the 'FOG' fear, obligation and guilt cycle.

You do not owe them anything. Your forgiveness, your respect or your time. You do owe yourself empathy and kindness and you are responsible for protecting your children from these utterly abusive people

I cut off all contact over 15 years ago from my abusive parent. I also took the view that the other parent whilst not abusive, did very little to stop the other therefore were complicit. My life has been blissful.

No more worrying about what tantrums they will have because she deems the level of present for mother's Day to not be enough, what insult will come next, what blame will be laid upon me, as a child for her abusive behavior. No more.

Of course, she has tried to guilt me over the years, sent her flying monkeys out to and hassled so many of my friends, family and even work colleagues try and turn me round but I have stayed strong.

You can do this, and I can only say how fucking blissful it is to not have to have that huge black shadow hanging over me of that abusive narcissist. They never change. All you can do is change your behavior to stop engaging them. This next stage is about you OP. Not them. Good luck OP.

LadyKenya · 25/02/2025 09:05

You have a lovely family with your DH and your amazing children. Your children see your mother for the awful person she is and it must really hurt them to see her hurting you. Please stop giving your mum the opportunities to do this.

Spot on!

gannett · 25/02/2025 09:05

Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 08:37

I like the idea of soaring like a bird, and leaving it behind. To shrug my shoulders and say this pain and misery isn’t mine. It’s theirs and I hand it back to them.

I could do this. I could try to remember I am just as important as my children, that if I can be so strong for them, then I can do the same for me.

It has taken me almost a life time to realise my mother is an abuser, I have been in total denial up to now.

OP it's really great, reading through your posts and updates, that you're step by step coming to a realisation of what you need to do. Take the energy in this particular post and hold on to it. Re-read it. They're your words and your feelings and now it's time to act on them.

It's no surprise that you're coming to this realisation in this stage of the cycle of abuse, where your mother isn't speaking to you. But at present your relationship with her is all in her hands. She decides when it will be one of "love" or one of abuse. The reason going fully NC is so valuable is that it's the only real way you can take back control of it - it's the only way to stop her pulling the strings.

NC is both hard and easy. I've been there and I know the feelings of guilt and shame, even when you know they're illogical. But I think you'll find that your partner, your kids and your friends will be there for you in a way your birth family have never been. They love you; they know you're not unloveable and they won't judge you as such. To me, the concept of a "chosen family" has been so important in navigating my toxic family.

Those feelings are the hard bit. But detach yourself from them and look at it practically. What are the actions you need to take? Block. Then it's an absence of action: don't jump when they call, don't respond if they get through to you. Every time you find yourself thinking about them, remind yourself to think about your partner or kids or friends or something that makes you happy instead.

You will probably still feel very conflicted for a while afterwards. But it will be outweighed by how free and liberated you also feel. Good luck.

Spacehop · 25/02/2025 08:58

Biscuitsnotcookies · 25/02/2025 05:09

I did see a therapist for a few years, she said I need to work on ‘acceptance’, as my mother will never change, so I needed to reframe the relationship and my reactions. It felt a bit like victim blaming at the time. I have tried to accept dm can’t change, and I know she is what she is, but how does that help? She is not going to magically be a mother to me I know, but I had hoped for a working relationship.

My aunt in an unguarded moment seemed to imply that my mother has spoken about me unkindly to the whole family, so she can’t be ‘seen’ to be communicating with me as it makes her look like a hypocrite. I can’t believe dm would do this to me, so I have tried not to think about it. But maybe there is some truth to it.

Edited

Sorry I just read this. Sorry also you had a therapist that was so unhelpful. Being encouraged to accept a toxic situation is gaslighting you really. Your core instinct knows your mother is unhealthy for you, hence you trying to distance yourself. You need support to continue with this and to understand the dynamic that sucks you back in.

Cakeandcardio · 25/02/2025 08:57

Aside from all of the other stuff, don't ruin your own mother's day. It's a special day for you too. Send a card if you must. But otherwise do something nice with your own children. Organise a day out or a nice meal and don't bother travelling. She has your sister and brother anyway.