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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say if you are going to look up someone’s family tree ask them first?

32 replies

BeMintFatball · 25/02/2025 01:34

I don’t have a good relationship with SIL it’s tolerable at best and at worst she has been very nasty to me. She is my husband’s only sibling. She re-married about 5 years ago and has been a lot happier and nicer in that time.

Now she and 2nd husband are both retired. They have been busy researching my husband’s family. I guess they took that as far as they could and researched mine without telling me. This has brought to light some unexpected surprises. They have discovered my cousins on my Mum’s side have a younger sister and that their father is dead. So now I have this information, what do I do with it? I have decided to say nothing. I think it will only cause hurt and the information is in the public domain they could discover it for themselves if they wanted to go searching.

I’m not that bothered and they have saved me doing the research myself. They have also uncovered my grandmother told lies about what Country a distance aunt came from. Turns out she was as British as the rest of us (how unexciting, lol)

What has needled me is they have got their facts wrong about my Dad and his family. SIL didn’t like my Dad but that another story. All this information has been communicated to my DD2 . DD2 is an adult with additional needs. She showed me the conversation. I replied on her phone saying it was me, thanks you have found out some interesting stuff but you have your facts wrong about my Dad. SIL husband got all shirty saying he didn’t feel comfortable talking to me on DD2 phone and if I wanted to talk use my own phone. Except I do not have either SIL or her husband’s number and I don’t intend asking for them either.

so AIBU?
YANBU it’s weird to look up someone’s ancestry without asking

YABU the information is out in the public domain for anyone to see

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 25/02/2025 02:10

Busybodies.

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 25/02/2025 02:00

@skintbuthappyish agreed I could have called them out for being nosey . They have only gone back 3 generations at most on my Mum and Dad’s respective family trees. I assumed that was the low hanging fruit in terms of research. I have no idea how it’s done properly

OP posts:
Starrynight567 · 25/02/2025 01:59

I think it can be pointless to research a family tree without having taken a DNA test. Reason being, many people have hidden secrets in their families, and years ago it was more common than you'd think that some men raised children unaware that they weren't their own.

TwinklyNight · 25/02/2025 01:59

I would that hope the info they sent is correct and dna confirmed.

WellsAndThistles · 25/02/2025 01:58

They've possibly stumbled upon someone else's research on Ancestry and as mentioned above, information after 1921 is quite hard to research accurately as it tends to be memories rather than paper trails.

I've been doing my DH's family tree and some distant cousin has a tree on Ancestry that is full of mistakes, including getting DH's Grandad's date of death wrong by about 50 years...

As its fairly public information you can't stop them but keep telling your DD that their research is wrong and hopefully they'll move onto annoying someone else.

NannyR · 25/02/2025 01:49

It sounds like they have just lifted information from someone else's tree on Ancestry, which isn't great research. It's actually quite difficult to find out information about recent generations without talking to family members as there isn't really any information available to the general public about people who may still be living.

skintbuthappyish · 25/02/2025 01:39

It's very strange yes, but I have been researching by family tree in depth and it can take decades. They need to be concentrating on their own and stop being so nosy