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AIBU?

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Original poster

I pay all the bills, husband pays nothing

182 replies

DevonSunSeaSand · 24/02/2025 23:21

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

OP posts:
Redfred00 · 25/02/2025 00:35

Dump the cocklodger.

CuteEasterBunny · 25/02/2025 00:27

I would give him 24 hours to pack his stuff if I was feeling kind.

RawBloomers · 25/02/2025 00:23

On the face of it, this seems pretty outrageous. But there is a massive income disparity.

Do you have less spare money than him after all the bills are paid? It sounds like you have financial goals that are unachievable if (as appears to be the case) he's spending a third of your joint income on child maintenance and frivolities and you did the same?

My initial reaction is to say kick him out. See a lawyer and get rid of him as soon as you can as the longer he takes advantage of you, the more he will be entitled to, and the more your wealth will transfer to him when you do split up. If you've been together less than 5 years then speed is of the essence if you wish to try and keep as much as you can of what you brought in to the marriage.

BMW6 · 25/02/2025 00:05

Well of course he was lovely before you married - or you wouldn't have married him!

You're being used.

You can get out of this shitshow and stop being used or stick with it because ........??????

Devianinc · 25/02/2025 00:01

Devianinc · 24/02/2025 23:56

Why are you letting him do that. It sounds like you don’t need him there. Take care of yourself.

Show quote history

It’s very unjust and I think you need to get him out of your life and find a nice person who loves you and doesn’t take advantage of your good nature. Being nice makes some people think it’s ok to walk over you. It’s not and he’s definitely not a great guy. Divorce him asap

Jeschara · 24/02/2025 23:59

Azandme · 24/02/2025 23:25

Madam, you have a cocklodger infestation.

Love this.

CrispieCake · 24/02/2025 23:58

With no children and a short marriage, you might have to pay him something but it probably won't be much.

Devianinc · 24/02/2025 23:56

DevonSunSeaSand · 24/02/2025 23:21

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

Why are you letting him do that. It sounds like you don’t need him there. Take care of yourself.

Meadowfinch · 24/02/2025 23:55

crumblingschools · 24/02/2025 23:30

For those saying kick him out, as OP is the higher earner she may be worse off

Only in the short term. The sooner she is rid of her freeloading partner, the sooner her finances can recover..

Semiramide · 24/02/2025 23:53

crumblingschools · 24/02/2025 23:30

For those saying kick him out, as OP is the higher earner she may be worse off

Possibly, but only in the short term. This leech could potentially abuse her financially for the rest of his life.

Cut your losses, @DevonSunSeaSand - he'll never change.

grumpyoldeyeore · 24/02/2025 23:52

Get divorced so he can’t claim any more of your assets. The shorter the marriage the better. Speaking from bitter experience. What did he do with his equity from his previous house? Now there’s no fault divorce and you’ve no dc then it should be straightforward.

Notimeforaname · 24/02/2025 23:51

So he has money from the sale of his house and a full time wage?

You cannot allow him to carry on paying nothing. Give him an ultimatum, pay up or move out.

Or you could just accept it and carry on as you are, which would of course be insane.

Where is he saying all this money goes week to week(apart from the phone)?

Original poster
DevonSunSeaSand · 24/02/2025 23:43

For those asking, no children together. Married as he was different before, a gent and kind. Met the wants I needed in a second husband.

He left his job at the start of 2024 but got another a few months later.

The mortgage is in my name as he had his own home when I met him. He sold up and moved in and was contributing. I earn just under double his earnings.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/02/2025 23:41

Maybe you'd be better off divorced?

healthybychristmas · 24/02/2025 23:39

Why is he still there? Why are you putting up with this? You are obviously an intelligent woman and he has never ever paid his way. You're basically paying him to live with you.

Wordau · 24/02/2025 23:39

Unless you're earning several multiples of his salary then YANBU.

DH and I have set personal spends per month that's equal. This is for everything we choose to buy for ourselves. Haircuts, coffees, weekends with friends, clothes etc

Everything else goes into a joint account. We don't buy anything super expensive from the joint account without checking with the other person first.

MrsMoastyToasty · 24/02/2025 23:38

In my book a husband who pays nothing would be on a fast track to being an ex husband.

TR888 · 24/02/2025 23:36

The phone purchase would make my blood boil, spatter you had that conversation with him. It's very telling of how entitled he feels to your money.

suburberphobe · 24/02/2025 23:33

Madam, you have a cocklodger infestation.

@Azandme This made me laugh but it is so true!

OP, I hope you've opened your eyes that a partner who is supposed to cherish you but instead of pulling his equal weight buys himself an over-priced phone has not got your interests at heart.

I had one of these once. Life is so much more peaceful now.

everythingthelighttouches · 24/02/2025 23:32

Sorry this is untenable.

I have some questions:
Do you have children together?
do you own the house and whose name is on the mortgage?
what happened a year ago that made him stop paying anything?
if you were to split bills in proportion to your wages, what would the split be? (Just trying to work out how much more you earn, is it 20 times more for example)?

crumblingschools · 24/02/2025 23:30

For those saying kick him out, as OP is the higher earner she may be worse off

SwanSong1 · 24/02/2025 23:28

Kick him out then! Stop paying for it all

BestestBrownies · 24/02/2025 23:27

He thinks you're his Sugar Mommy.

He doesn't just have zero respect for you, he has utter contempt.

Please do yourself a favour and get rid.

Shetlands · 24/02/2025 23:27

You're a bit fed up with it all? I'd be way past that by now.

Just stop doing it! Pay your share and that's all. He's a parasite.

Poppyseeds79 · 24/02/2025 23:26

DevonSunSeaSand · 24/02/2025 23:21

I earn more than my husband but pay for every household bill, food, and holidays. Whilst I understand that it's unusual for this to be the case (the woman earning more), I'm still irritated that he doesn't pay towards joint costs.

He used to contribute to household expenses but never half, and since last year he's paying nothing. His money is all for himself and child maintenance but he still tells me he's broke every month despite earning more than the UK average.

We had a constructive chat a few weeks back about him paying off debt, setting up joint savings and having all our money in one account once he had cleared the loans etc, which he was agreeable to at the time. And then within a few days of the conversation, a new mobile phone costing over £1k arrives. The disappointment.

I'm frankly a bit fed up with it all but feel quite helpless and tired of butting my head on a brick wall.

AIBU for feeling unjust about the finances?

I'd be getting him to direct debit you his half vs setting up joint accounts together 🫠

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