How married couples manage finances

I don't scour through the bank account to check on what's being spent on me. And I have no qualms about how much is being spent.

We do things differently to most on here. We each have our own account where our wages are paid in. A joint account where all household bills come out of, into which we put equal monthly amounts. It has been this way since we earned equally and before we were married but moved in together. We never bothered changing it when my wage doubled that of my husband; we discussed whether he should pay proportionally less due to less earnings but he did not want to contribute less than half, so we left it that my wage increase would fund our savings, holidays and big purchases and a new car. His wage is now more although still not equal. We do see all money as joint; but still operate this way, with each of us putting half into the joint account - whatever is left we decide how to spend or save. We both have an amount we spend socially or on ourselves each month and appreciate having some privacy with that, but would not be secretive if asked. Our accounts are an open book as we have joint current account and joint savings.

YANBU but each to their own. I guess it's what you're used to. DH and I started pooling finances from before marriage. He made it very clear it's our money not his or mine alone. Which is one of the things i always loved about him. With a child it's easier. He earns nearly 4x what I earn. I work PT to manage child care. Asking for extra money for x y z for child or me is ridiculous to me. I'd feel like I'm asking for his money.

Wages get paid into joint account. We have a small amount of every day joint savings for bigger expenses like car insurance due, holidays etc. Our other savings are seperate for tax purposes. But we can still easily see what's in each others names and accounts.

An ex BF parents used to have seperate accounts and his dad paid his mum housekeeping money. It seemed totally crazy to me. What's the point in being married?!

We are paid into our own accounts, I on pay day divide the money into our joint bills and savings. We keep whatever is left and split it equally. We have seperate accounts we treat each other and don’t want each other seeing the transactions before the present/surprise is given.

We are completely transparent with money though, I do it all, but DH has access to everything. We mostly split bills down the middle because we earn similar. However, it’s our money and X amount has to go out and it gets paid, and we split the remainder. It really doesn’t matter who pays for what. including personal expenses. Everything that has to be paid for, is covered by the pooled money

The way we work it is that our wages are paid into our joint account and all bills, kids stuff, food, petrol, trips out together gets paid out of that.

Every month we each get transfer the same amount from our joint account to our personal accounts. We can use that however we want which means we get to have some independence over finances and not justify random expenses like a nice pair of shoes or a meal with friends. We also pay for each other’s birthday/Christmas presents out of our ‘personal’ money, so it makes it special as we plan ahead and save for those events and it’s not just like we’re buying ourselves presents out of the joint pot.

It works well for us because although we have similar approaches to money, I’m more of a saver and DH is more of a spender, so I put half of mine in savings straight away every month because that makes me feel secure.

We’ve always done it this way and we have both had turns being the higher earner. It is crazy to me that some relationships will have one person enjoying a much more comfortable lifestyle in the name of ‘equality’. We’re a team, so we both get to see equal benefits of our hard work, even if one person is earning less.

DH and I have separate finances. We both get about the same money. I get more from btl than my private pension and DH gets more from his private pension than his btl's. We both pay the same set amount into our joint account each month to cover bills, food, etc. We both pay our own mobile contracts, charity DD's, and personal spends. We have always done this. We always used to earn about the same salary when working, and we go halves on holidays. It's always worked for us. We go halves on all gifts for both our families too.

Same

We never pooled out accounts. We just pay for different things and we're sure it balances out.

I paid for all the kids' stuff because I dealt with the nitty gritty of their lives. He paid the mortgage because it was his house that I moved into.

Married 26 years and our finances are effectively entwined but we've never really discussed how.

Works for us

Because I don’t want DH to see and question every purchase that I make. Sometimes I want to treat myself to DC to something without needing to explain or justify it.
we know how much we earn, I know what the bills are and when they’re due so I pay those, DH pays the big bills (cars, mortgage etc) and whatever is left over is just given to each other if we need it depending on who has money left when the other is spent up (normally me as I only earn 1/9 of what he does).

Joint account. We earn very differently but all money is joint. Neither of us monitor who spends what but we discuss potential purchases if they are something both of us may have an opinion on like a car both of us will drive or a joint holiday.

I love and trust my husband 100% and am confident we will be together forever. Nonetheless I would never ever have a joint account and I would advise my children (girls especially) to do the same. I’m the higher earner now but I haven’t always been and at every stage we’ve just contributed equal shares of our income to outgoings.

You say you want to understand why couples do this so for me it’s three reasons:

first, the principle of financial independence. So many women get screwed over by men financially. So many women trust their husbands on issues like this and are let down. I don’t believe my husband would ever do this to me but the further through life you go, the more women you see get screwed over in one way or another. They also didn’t believe this would happen to them. So why take any chances? And even if you believe there’s no chance (as I do in my case), it’s just a principle. I don’t believe marriage means having to fuse every aspect of your being. I’ve kept my own name too.

Second, I grew up watching my parents who did have joint finances. They were a happy loving couple and all worked pretty well but my dad was the one in charge of their finances. In my experience, in almost all cases of joint finances, one person is the boss. It’s rarely an entirely equal relationship.

Third, the arguing. My husband and I never argue about money and I mean literally never. Again, this isn’t my experience of friends who have joint accounts. I often overhear bickering about who spends too much on what and ‘oh don’t tell Steve I spent £200 on this dress’ or whatever.

So, those three things are my main reasons! It’s worked well for us in the 20-ish years of our relationship.

This is exactly how my parents managed money too. I remember my mum doing the same thing at the end of every month and then telling my dad what he owed her. Both my parents and my DH and I are accountants though which may be why this method appeals to us!

It’s definitely easier and more equitable having a joint account for joint expenses. But I never would want to have one pot with all the money in it. I don’t want to be under dh’s thumb or him under mine when it comes to spending.

If there is £3000 in there, and I want to buy myself a holiday the same month Dh wants to buy himself a new bike, we’re going to overdraw our account because technically it is ‘our’ money we can both spend. I don’t ever want to be checking with Dh if I’m allowed to book myself a weekend away. We have our own personal accounts where most of our money sits and we spend from there as we please. I’ve always had my own money and wouldn’t feel comfortable with anything else.

Me and DH have a shared credit card and shared savings account but separate current accounts just for security. I don’t want to pool all our monthly outgoings in one current account, it feels too vulnerable.

Genuine question How do you buy each other Christmas or birthday presents if you just have a joint account? You know where the present is coming from and how much the other person has spent on it?

Other than that... Each to their own no? We have a joint account and separate accounts. We put a percentage of our salary into the joint account. Works for us. Might not for others 🤷

It does seem like the ones of us with joint accounts aren’t worrying or tallying up what their other half is buying. If I want some shoes I’d just buy them 🤷🏼‍♀️ my husband doesn’t think right I need to match that or it’s not fair! That doesn’t seem good for a relationship to me.

It seems odd to me that people
assume I’d be explaining all my purchases due to having a joint account. I don’t.

I can understand if you’re married to someone with a gambling problem or something.

Because that poster is describing a functioning, loving relationship. Ultimately, if you have a functioning, loving relationship it doesn’t matter whether or how you join or separate your money, because you love and respect each other and want to treat each other fairly. Likewise, if a relationship is dysfunctional and there’s a lot of resentment there, it also doesn’t matter whether or how you join or separate your finances. You can have everything you own held jointly and in joint accounts but without respect and care for each other - if one person checks the accounts and quibbles the other’s spending constantly, or the high earning partner doesn’t think the low earning partner deserves to spend “their” money, or if you don’t agree on how money should be spent - you’re still going to be miserable.

My parents have been married for over 40 years and don't share finances, which in my mind is crazy.

DH and I put everything in the joint account, let all the bills come out, and then I take all the spending money and he takes all the money needed for buying food. He doesn't spend money other than buying food and coffee so that's where I come in 😆 it's all set amounts so it works.

I have never had a joint current account with DH. We do have some joint savings though as well as individual ISAs.

I am the higher earner now and make sure that we have the same individual spends each month. I don't need to see what he is frittering his disposal income on and I am sure that he doesn't care about my bank account either.

Also I absolutely trust him but you only need to read a few stories on here about women who also implicitly trusted their husbands and realise that it can go badly wrong. The only thing that would be a pain is if I died suddenly as most of the bills come out of my account.

We have separate accounts. I can't be bothered to have to explain where I'm spending my money and vice versa. I like my independence.

DH pays for all household bills, car purchases and school fees whilst I buy groceries, pet stuff, my car insurance and petrol and school bus travel.

We pool but are similarly minded that it doesn’t cause arguments. If you’re not on the page, it’s probably best to keep in separate. Really, as long as no one is feeling hard done by it’s okay!

i don’t understand when one party keeps their own money whilst the other spends it all on the kids and then has to ask for hand outs… wouldn’t work for me

We gave been married for nearly 34 years.

We have never had a joint account.

I have always said it was fair and equal. When I was a SAHM, I paid for what we needed and kept a log and receipts and at the end of the month DH wrote me a cheque. He never once questioned a spend. However, I have never been the last of the big spenders.

I went back to work and started to pay for mine and the children's clothes and Haircuts, some of their activities and eventually my car. When I went back to work DH gave me a monthly cheque for £500 for food.

I always thought it was entirely fair but actually I think I was the spender and DH was the payer. So probably not totally fair - DH paid all the bills, and his personal spends were his car, his clothes (not excessive), a football season ticket and his love of opera.

We have never had an argument over money. There has, on occasion, been a lack of consultation but it's always paid off except for the wanky sports car

Growing up this was a norm. My mom did not work, dad would give her all the money and she would manage it. When I got married, however, I wanted to have my own account, but my now exh persuaded me to join accounts. This turned out to be really bad idea. He was very controlling and stingy and was basically financially abusing me. Asking where each penny went, telling me what I should and should not be buying or being upset each time I did buy something without consulting him. As soon as we joined accounts, I felt that the money was not mine and was not comfortable spending it. On the other hand, he was doing whatever he wanted and treated it as his money. At one point he got us in a big trouble when he invested and lost loads of money. I used this as an opportunity to separate accounts. Told him I wanted to have my salary going into my account and we kept join account for basic things, like, utilities, gas and food. We had this set up until we divorced four years ago.