To call DH self centered and not apologise

Shesnotveryself · 2025-02-24T20:02:59+00:00

I'm 38 weeks pregnant, still working. Very stressed. Today DH messaged me mid-work day and asked if I'd be ok with him booking a running gait analysis next week that's over 20 miles away. I'll be on maternity leave by then so in his words "sitting on my arse" and to avoid me going into labour solo whilst he's over the other side of the county he thinks I should go with him. Which aside from making no sense and taking me further away from my chosen birth hospital... I don't want to sit in a car for hours whilst he goes to his appointment. It's been manic these last few months and I just need to rest and prioritise myself for what little time I may have pre-birth. I didn't call him selfish, because it's not selfish to prioritise his health and he is struggling with a bit of knee pain which I can empathise with. But his timing and reaction to me not being happy with the suggestion was really self centered. Full disclosure - I didn't respond that well because he really got my back up and has a habit of telling me to "not distract him during his work day" whilst sending me this inane shit. But in all honesty I'm just sad that he didn't have the self awareness that I'm a stressed, hormonal, in constant pain and frankly have enough on my plate right now. This time in my first pregnancy I developed preeclampsia and I delivered early. The last thing I want to have to spend my time and energy thinking about is his bloody running gait analysis. We've since had a massive argument and he's demanding I apologise for calling him self centered. It's obviously all blown out of proportion. But I'm pissed off, my back is now cramping and I don't see the benefit of apologising for something I stand by.

Original poster

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 23:08

brunettemic · 24/02/2025 22:42

I’m honestly just laughing at the concept of 20 miles being a long distance and too far.

When did I say it was too far? IDGAF if he's 20 miles away. You've missed the point of the thread entirely.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 24/02/2025 23:05

Did he DEMAND you go or did he think you’d feel safer going with him than being at home alone? Either way, just saying you’d be happier at home would have resolved everything without a row.

Good luck with the birth x

user2848502016 · 24/02/2025 23:03

You don't care if he goes but you don't want to go- so just don't go then. Stay home and order the baby stuff you need, it doesn't take two people to do that.

Ontherocksthisyear · 24/02/2025 22:57

It's only 20 miles.... jeez

Hercisback1 · 24/02/2025 22:51

Sounds like a straw that broke the camels back.

Order the pushchair you want,sod him. Same with the car seats.

brunettemic · 24/02/2025 22:42

I’m honestly just laughing at the concept of 20 miles being a long distance and too far.

Original poster

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 22:39

After some reflection I've come to realise that I'm harbouring resentment. DH sucks at forward planning, as demonstrated by this thread. And throughout this pregnancy I feel as though he's continuously shut me down on various baby related topics. We don't have a functional 2 car seat set up that works for us, we don't have double buggy that is essential for nursery drop offs, we don't have any idea about names (not essential, but after a previous loss would really help me personally). And whenever I raise any of this I get told its not the right time, he's busy, it's not a priority etc, or just outright ignored...

I pointed out he's done sweet FA in terms of helping prepare for the baby and he just said it's my fault for getting rid of DC1s stuff, which I sold to fund new purchases as DC grew.

It just feels very petty and unappreciative, when here I am expected to give a shit about his running gait.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 21:20

Sassybooklover · 24/02/2025 21:10

I'm guessing due to the fact with your first pregnancy you had pre-eclampsia, and went into labour early, you perhaps are feeling a little anxious? If so, that is completely understandable. You may be feeling 20 miles is a long way away, if you were to suddenly go into labour? Again, considering the above, that's understandable too. If your husband simply asked you if you'd prefer to come with him, rather than stay at home - then that's not demanding you go with him. If you are feeling a bit anxious, have you explained this to your husband? He may not realise, how you are feeling. Would you prefer he went to this appointment now or when you have a new born?! If it were me, I'd rather he went now. Messaging you about this whilst you were at work, wasn't the best move, it wasn't important. It could have waited until you both got home.

Definitely. I can imagine most women are in the lead up to their labour, surely? And as for the previous poster who spent their last few weeks sat on the sofa - lovely for you! But that was not my experience at all and I would fucking welcome the chance to do that.

I don't care if he goes now, or after the birth. It makes no difference. It's a two hour round trip for all the pp saying "30 mins" plus a 90 minute appointment of me just killing time. I'd much rather be at home. And have no issue with DH being out of the house that long, but I do not want to be wasting 3-4 hours of my day.

OP posts:

Sassybooklover · 24/02/2025 21:10

I'm guessing due to the fact with your first pregnancy you had pre-eclampsia, and went into labour early, you perhaps are feeling a little anxious? If so, that is completely understandable. You may be feeling 20 miles is a long way away, if you were to suddenly go into labour? Again, considering the above, that's understandable too. If your husband simply asked you if you'd prefer to come with him, rather than stay at home - then that's not demanding you go with him. If you are feeling a bit anxious, have you explained this to your husband? He may not realise, how you are feeling. Would you prefer he went to this appointment now or when you have a new born?! If it were me, I'd rather he went now. Messaging you about this whilst you were at work, wasn't the best move, it wasn't important. It could have waited until you both got home.

PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 24/02/2025 21:09

He'd be better off booking in with a podiatrist near you, who'd analyse his gait and the rest of his physiology to ascertain the cause of his knee pain. They specialise in the body from the lower back downwards.

Springadorable · 24/02/2025 21:08

I'm not sure how this has escalated to this fight. You've flown off the handle, and he's got prickly in return. Apologise, move on, and don't do it again.

Hercisback1 · 24/02/2025 21:04

I think you need to chill out a bit tbh. Yes you're very pregnant, very tired and stressed, however he just asked a question. A simple "no, it's too close to the birth" would have sufficed surely?

Notgivenuphope · 24/02/2025 21:00

You both sound incredibly dramatic.
Grow up (both) a bit before the baby arrives ehh?

Saturdaynightlive · 24/02/2025 20:58

To be fair, most people I know,.me included spent the last few weeks of pregnancy sitting on their arse watching TV. When he suggested going, he didn't say you will come with me & sit in the car and wait' did he. Maybe the idea was to spend a little time together on the epic 30-minute drive across the country. Maybe there's a decent shopping center nearby that she might want to look around while he's at his appointment. Who knows. All things considered sounds like a miscommunication that can be easily solved with a quick conversation, an apology, and a foot rub.

endlesscraziness · 24/02/2025 20:56

My husband was 2hrs away with work when I was overdue. I told him not to come until I had the midwife sign off that I was in active labor. So yes I think you're way over reacting! It's 20 miles fgs. Calm down

PhilomenaPunk · 24/02/2025 20:49

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:06

You might have a lot on your plate but I can’t see how that means he’s being self centred by wanting to go to an appointment. He obviously did consider you or he wouldn’t have suggested you go with him. His consideration might have been way off the mark for you (although I can’t see why) but there clearly was some. So your accusation of self centred is inaccurate, so should be apologised for.

The man isn’t a mind reader.

So it's okay for him to tell OP she'll just be "sitting on her arse" in the last few weeks of her pregnancy so she should go with him as that suits him best? Raise your bar a bit.

Original poster

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:48

DappledThings · 24/02/2025 20:43

I'm not sure I understand your point of view either. Did he demand you come or did he just suggest it? Maybe he thought you might be happier being with him in case you did suddenly go into labour and you'd be able to get to the hospital quicker as you'd be with him in the car.

Unless there's a whole other way he spoke to you that you haven't included you seem to have jumped to quite an angry conclusion.

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Possibly so, which I why I'm asking. I definitely saw red at his double standards of messaging me this during the work day and I guess yes I am feeling like I could do little bit of extra care and consideration, rather than someone trying to manage my day to fit their priorities.

OP posts:

DappledThings · 24/02/2025 20:43

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:39

He said it wasn't an issue and that he expected it to be too close to the birth date. Then started complaining about how I attacked him and called him selfish and I had a bad attitude. I've never called him selfish. And I never said it was too close, so it just felt like a bit of a pity party rather than him actually understanding my POV.

Show quote history

I'm not sure I understand your point of view either. Did he demand you come or did he just suggest it? Maybe he thought you might be happier being with him in case you did suddenly go into labour and you'd be able to get to the hospital quicker as you'd be with him in the car.

Unless there's a whole other way he spoke to you that you haven't included you seem to have jumped to quite an angry conclusion.

BlondiePortz · 24/02/2025 20:41

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:10

I think my OP has been misread I couldn't give a shit if he went. Fine by me. I wouldn't even care if he went when I had a newborn. I'd be quite happy to be home solo. My issue is that me made demands of me to have to go with him.

Then say no you are not going and move on, he can demand what he wants you don't have to do it

Original poster

Shesnotveryself · 24/02/2025 20:39

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:20

Did he demand you go then? Or was he worried that you wouldn’t want to be alone and thought you might prefer it? I could see lots of men making that sort of well meaning but misguided mistake.

What did he say when you said you didn’t want to go?

He said it wasn't an issue and that he expected it to be too close to the birth date. Then started complaining about how I attacked him and called him selfish and I had a bad attitude. I've never called him selfish. And I never said it was too close, so it just felt like a bit of a pity party rather than him actually understanding my POV.

OP posts:

user2848502016 · 24/02/2025 20:33

Well I mean yes you going along would be silly, unless you make a day out of it and have lunch or something, but if you don't want to go you can relax at home.
20 miles isn't the other side of the country though is it and it won't take hours in the car - more like 30 minutes? Better to do it now than when you have a few week old baby.
Also assuming you're showing signs of being in labour he won't actually go?

outerspacepotato · 24/02/2025 20:26

Is he insane?

LaineyCee · 24/02/2025 20:21

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:06

You might have a lot on your plate but I can’t see how that means he’s being self centred by wanting to go to an appointment. He obviously did consider you or he wouldn’t have suggested you go with him. His consideration might have been way off the mark for you (although I can’t see why) but there clearly was some. So your accusation of self centred is inaccurate, so should be apologised for.

The man isn’t a mind reader.

But it’s not a pre-existing appointment. It’s a non-essential jolly he’s going on as part of his hobby. It’s the same as if he were proposing he go off for a game of golf, or similar recreation. Now probably isn’t the best time.

And I don’t think suggesting a heavily pregnant woman with severe back pain sit in a car waiting for him for an hour indicates thoughtfulness.

And as for the demanding apology! Because of course (even now) it all has to be about him and how he feels.

SometimesCalmPerson · 24/02/2025 20:20

Did he demand you go then? Or was he worried that you wouldn’t want to be alone and thought you might prefer it? I could see lots of men making that sort of well meaning but misguided mistake.

What did he say when you said you didn’t want to go?

Saturdaynightlive · 24/02/2025 20:19

It doesn't read like he demanded anything of you?. 20 miles isn't that far. What would it be a 30min drive. Enjoy sitting at home on your arse while he's gone. You're on the same team, if he's hurt apolgise and move on.