To ask how you split your household finances?

We separate money proportionally , I earn 2.5 x what my husband earns so I pay most household expenses he pays for big shopping , we both keep equivalent money left over so we both have spending money money . Any big expenses we discuss prior and decide together .

Here's where I'd go back to on the car... spending that comes out of the joint account is a joint decision and for the family. If you didn't decide on getting a third car or a budget for it together and you don't have equal say in whether it's kept or sold to use the funds for something else for the family then it's probably not a joint expense.

So for argument's sake if your DP earns £100k and contributes 80% of his income it leaves him with £20k a year to spend on himself, and if you earn £10k a year and contribute 80% of your income that leaves you with £2k to spend on yourself a year. And you don't see anything wrong with that? You don't see anything wrong with a married couple having potentially vastly different levels of disposable income? So he could be dressed head to toe in designer clothes and have expensive hobbies while she is shopping in Primark and can't afford even a decent haircut or a new pair of glasses etc.?

God why do people even bother getting married if they approach things like this?

I agree with you OP. Your car should be classed as a fixed outgoing even though it comes out your salary. So you should pay less to the joint. Funds for children's shoes clothes should also come out of the joint, even if that means you both pay more in to cover it. Leaving you each with expenses that are the same. One of his cars should come from the joint and one from his sole as it appears to be more a hobby ( who needs 2 cars ?). Personally we have a joint account for all our bills and a personal account each for our own general expenses and we both have the same amount to spend. We both earn very similar amounts and have 2 cars that we just both use.

But there shouldn't be any concept of "he pays for this, she pays for that". They're married. With children. And her paying for stuff for the children, and resenting what he spends on other stuff. Everything should be shared - what goes in, and what goes out, with no keeping track of what came from where. Why do women agree to arrangements like this? Why are so many of us so pathetically servile?

I suspect it's the case that if he has to pay the £850(!) for the second car out of his personal spends then he couldn't really afford it because he'd have to 'give' you the same amount to spend. And if you're regularly having to spend your personal money to cover the kids stuff then there isn't enough left in the joint pot after personal spends so actually he can't really afford the extra car.

It's not really fair on you.

It wouldn't impact my enjoyment of the present but I would prefer it to be a complete surprise. Likewise for my gifts for him. Being able to surprise someone is part of the joy of gift giving, for me.

What on earth are you on about?
How is he treating her like the flatmate though? He pays for the majority of things and it doesn’t sound like he brings that up or points it out. He earns 2.5 times the OPs income and they have the same left over money, which means he contributes a significant amount more then all his bonus goes on family expenses on top.
The whole issue is OP doesn’t think one of his expenses should be joint. Thats literally the opposite of what you’re suggesting.

Both pay in the same % of your income to the joint account that pays everything, mortgage, food, children, holidays, bills, etc. The rest is personal spending and savings. So 50% each if that covers, if not 60%, etc, increase or decrease to get a balance with some left for joint savings and incidental expenses.

That's what we did for years, now we've given up with the joint account, we each pay various household things (has just sort of evolved) and keep the rest ourselves. Whatever works for you really.

Exactly the same as us.

He's not her partner, he's her husband. Treating her like a flatmate. He'll be labelling his food in the fridge next.

It's not the 1950s, where it's the husband's role to choose, according to his own whim, what he will or won't "leave" the wife with.

We have two cars. We both use both of the cars, we don't have a his car and my . All petrol and bills relating to the cars come out of the joint account.

Yes and no. So while you are still married, as long as it’s kept separately, it’s yours. If you divorce then it depends on whether or not your marital assets leave enough to meet both your reasonable needs then inheritance you’ve kept separately won’t be considered but if your marital assets are insufficient then it can be included when splitting your overall assets. Technically what that might mean is you get to keep 100% of the inheritance but you only get 20/30% of marital assets rather than the 50% you would have got without the inheritance.

Would it really give it away? You'd know you'd been bought some jewellery. There's still a huge range of things that could be. Would it really be that significant in your enjoyment of the present if you'd noticed what shop he'd been to? I can't imagine it mattering that much to anyone.

We don’t have to worry about it because we each categorize our transactions based on our budget categories - this takes two clicks per transaction and we don’t use crazy detailed categories to overcomplicate things. It’s easy to spot unexplained or duplicate transactions because neither of us has categorized them. Then once they’re categorized neither of us is looking unless a) we’ve found ourselves completely overspending our budget in that category somehow and need to figure out what happened or b) it’s time for our six-month sit down to review and set our budget and one of us thinks we need to talk about increasing that category or reigning in spending there.

Budgeting together for our family means we really don’t spend much time watching or discussing what each other are spending on a day to day basis.

How is the current set up unfair?
The partner pays for the vast majority of the family expenses, which is reasonable as he earns more but he’s hardly leaving OP penniless and covering half the bills.

Oh, sweetheart. I’m not trying to be ‘harsh’, I am just (along with many others here) trying to show you how unfair your current set up is. Please have a think about it all.

But in practice for it to be considered a non matrimonial asset it would have to be kept completely separate. As in you can’t use it for any joint purpose in the marriage- no co-mingling of the money. In which case- what is the purpose of the money if you are just going to have it sit in a bank account untouched? Obviously you can pass on to someone as in your example but then it is no longer your asset!

Thank you. Yeah it won't state the item, but some retailers (like a jewellers) will give it away somewhat. If you don't really check the transactions I can see it wouldn't be too much of a problem though. I check my accounts every few days to ensure everything's in order, so would definitely notice new transactions.

No - morally it's joint I agree, but not legally. My DF inherited some money from a relative and signed it over to me as a house deposit - my DM was totally on board with this and it was a joint decision, but if she hadn't agreed, it wouldn't have made any difference. Legally, it was his.

I've seen in friend's divorce with no clean break - inheritance is counted as marital assets for splitting. Another friend is telling her elderly widowed mum not to pass on her properties yet because her marriage is going south.

Marriage is a legal contract that mainly protects and benefits the financially weaker party. Whether it is earnings, business, inheritance or the lottery. Usually the poorer person is the woman, but likewise for men.

Cohabiting is the social contract requiring mutual love and respect and considerate - especially in a shared living space!