Party, child with visible difference

But you can't have a trigger warning every time you leave the house. What would happen if you saw someone with a difference unexpectedly in Tesco with no prior warning? How will children learn to handle it if they are not taught about it in a natural environment?

If the child in question asked the mum when she got home that would have been an ideal learning experience, the mum doesn't need the ins and outs she could just have explained that people look different and there was nothing to worry about. Noone is upset and everyone carries on.

As the mother of a son with cerebal palsy, so obvious physical differences, as somone who works at a food pub popular with service users at the local residential home, and good friends since school with a woman who has a condition that caused a severe facial growth, I know this type of person well. I would say that ime what the mother was saying was

"I am afraid of disability as I am ignorant and dont know how to deal with it. I am the person who wont catch the eye of the wheelchair user and will talk to their companion, I am the person who will scuttle out of the way when a person with a learning disability starts to smile at me. I am the person who sees a service user with autism out for lunch with their carer and will go somewhere else instead. I am the person who will complain to management about disabled children frightening my child, when my child is fine and it is me that is frightened. I am angry that I didnt have the opportunity to avoid this child that I am frightened of and I am blaming you for my fear, not myself for my ignorance."

I think that the message posted above is perfect.

Do not invite them again. Problem solved.

People are always judgemental about anything that is different. People also think that it is appropriate to be rude about said differences. This doesn't make it OK.

I was a child with a very visible facial difference. People's attitudes towards me were generally hostile up until the difference was 'fixed'. Up until that point, receiving horrified stares was my version of normal. My looks might have been 'fixed', but my confidence was shattered.

Please defend your niece/nephew, OP! They deserve much better than being expected to come with a trigger warning before meeting new people.

I would ignore the woman who sent the message. Delete it and block her. And I would be icy cold from now on if you run into her. Silence is a lot more powerful than people realize sometimes.

I absolutely see why it would upset some people. But we live in an age of excessive ‘trigger warnings’. Want me to dig up some mumsnet threads where the mob turned on someone who FAILED to protect everyone’s DC from something potentially unsettling?

This. It's the asking for a heads up, a trigger warning basically, that is the worst bit.

My 11 year old son has a facial difference. He has had some horrific comments and reactions, mostly from people old enough to know better.

And the one time I thought I was going to get a rude comment about his face from a 4 year old but it turned out she was just judging me for dressing him in a baby grow during the day .

My son doesn't come with a warning. I'm not going to let people know about his difference before they meet him so they can be prepared. He is who he is and it's a privilege to be his mum.

The schoolfriend’s mother needs to grow up.

Bollocks. You don’t ask for a heads up as to whether someone disabled will be attending the same party as your own child. Equipping them to deal with diversity is down to the parent, not the one issuing the invitation.

It's fine to have questions, noone is saying kids can't ask or be curious. My daughter gets asked about hers by children all the time which is fine, she answers the questions and everyone moves on, it upsets her but that's life unfortunately and part of her learning to deal with something that will be lifelong. The text OP got was nothing like that.

People saying some preparation might have been helpful, like all kids with visible differences should have a trigger warning before they leave the house instead of just dealing with things as they arise in an age appropriate way is not on and I'm surprised you can't see why that would upset some people.

I understand that a child seeing another child with a facial disfigurement for the first time might be concerned but a reassuring word from the parent would sort it out there and then.

She's an idiot. Tell her to go and watch the film Mask 1985 with her children.

So you could sign her up for some parenting online lesson and send her the sign in 😏

But then you should really not expect an invitation back.

✌️

No one’s suggesting that it’s not OK for the children to have questions. That’s not what’s happening here. By the age of eight the child should have been equipped to take the facial difference in their stride. The fact that they weren’t is on the parent. The parent who wanted a heads up for herself. Not her child.

Oh wow, that's shocking. I'd be tempted to reply something like "sorry, can you be more specific? What is it you think i should have told you in advance?" and make her actually think about what she's asking here!

Possibly.

And if a member of my family posted a blurred out pic of my kid (actually please explain how you would anonymously disguise a face…) in order to satisfy the curiosity of posters, or for them to judge and discuss whether my child looked so terrifying that their presence required a trigger warning, I would probably kill them.

Metaphorically, obviously.

Having grown up with a sibling with serious facial and corporeal scarring I know all too well that people like her exist. She’s trying to gratify her own curiosity with a veil of faux concern / confusion. “What on earth did I just read? You want some advice you say? Be a better human. Think about what you’re actually asking, and how discriminatory, callous and disrespectful you’re being. If you and your kids are so precious about visible differences may I suggest the issue is actually your problem to work through and solve, and nobody else’s.”

So basically you’re the same as the woman OP encountered. You want a trigger warning on the invitation. The child involved was eight. Old enough for the parent to have broached the subject of diversity with them. And, incidentally, old enough for the child with the facial difference to feel hurt and insulted that her peers needed a heads up because they are so difficult to look at !!

Same! I’d be furious!!!!

If a parent doesn’t know how to explain to her child ( and hasn’t done so by about 8-ish) that people often look different to each other for many reasons and that we always treat everyone with respect, should they really be a parent?

What has that got to do with the OP?

If your child has questions, answer them. What difference does having a 'heads up' make, unless your assumption is that a facial difference is something horrendous that needs to be excused or explained.

I mean this is perfect really. Or I would entirely ignore it and not reply. I'd be prepared for the fall out from that.

The behaviour is so wrong on all levels. The utter disrespect and disregard towards you is my first observation. Does she think you are her gimp. No reply signals perfectly that you are not and this is not appropriate. The suggested reply adds a little boot in for added measure which she may need depending on how cunty she is.

This is not about the child. This is faux horror and concern from some cuntchop who seeks control for some reason.

No-one has suggested the children couldn't cope, or behaved badly at the party. But it's ok for them to have questions?

Maybe you should keep your children at home if they can't cope seeing someone different to them, and the rest of us can just get on with life in peace.

If you can't handle being asked about someone's facial difference without warning by your own child then that is your problem and nobody else's.