Party, child with visible difference

Totally depends. Let’s think it through:

Do you think the unreasonable thing was for the parent to have wished she could have discussed it with her children first?

Do you think the unreasonable thing was for her to have told you that was her wish?

I think a lot of posters here are jumping off the deep end, as if the adult had said she found this child frightening/disgusting/whatever.

All I can see in your post is that she said her children found it frightening etc. and she wished she could have managed that.

This does feel a bit like applying adult norms to what is at base a child’s reaction. Or alternatively saying that these things are recognised (that a child might find this frightening) but the important thing is that adults should not be made awkward about it.

Oh yes I like that

I agree. She has no right to know.
Her daughter doesn't need to know the reason either.

I am appalled op and I don't think you owe this lady a response but equally I can see that picking one once you feel calmer may feel cathartic.

I cannot even imagine the mindset of someone who thinks this is ok.

Also brilliant 😂

I would have have replied "excuse me?" A parent's job is to encourage exclusivity and if ou have failed to do that then I'm sure school can suggest some appropriate parenting courses

I would reply passive aggressively and say something like.

Hi Janet… It would not even cross my mind to ‘warn’ people that other children at the party might be from different cultures, have different skin colours or have a disability or disfigurement, I automatically assume that all parents bring their children up to embrace differences and to be kind.

I remember all the nasty comments from parents worried about the CBBC presenter ‘scaring’ their children because she only had one arm…. My DD watched her daily, didn’t bat an eyelid… suddenly one day she inquisitively asked ‘what happened to that ladies other arm mummy?’ And she asked if it would grow back…. I explained in a very simple way that we are all born different and some people only have one arm, or no arms, or legs that don’t work etc… she simply said ‘ah ok mummy!’ And went back to watching…

I have to say as a mother if my daughter came home from a party ‘scared’ because someone had a large birth mark covering their face or whatever, I would simply say that there is nothing to be scared of and that that little child had just been born that way or had an accident or whatever but that we should not judge someone by their appearance and that the child is exactly like them and not scary at all… the fact she needs to ask for advice on how to deal
with her child screams to me that she seriously lacks those communication/parenting skills!

I just don’t think I could reply. But then she obviously thinks she is reasonable to ask this and she may take no answer as some sort of agreement on your part that you got it wrong. So I would collect the best responses from here and fashion one to send or..

This next paragraph sounds offensive but it questions how does this woman think life would work in her version of reality: You could ask her, if her child were unfortunate to be disfigured, like any of ours could, by a fire etc, if she would ring ahead to Tesco for them to tannoy the customers just incase there were children who may be upset by her child’s face at the checkout. Or would she wear a placard with a medical explanation for her child’s appearance perhaps? Or ban her child from stepping out of the house or looking out of front windows? When you spell out to her the alternatives, they are so outrageous and offensive there’s a good argument that they would break human rights laws.

Another alternative to point out to this woman messaging you, is that it’s her problem and she could deal with this by never leaving the house herself. She can send her children with someone else to enjoy parties and everyday life. As she said, her children had a great time.

The only thing that may have happened (clutching at straws here) is that her children made a comment or did something and the woman was embarrassed about how her children (and her parenting) were perceived by those who overheard. Which would be a bit ironic in the context of her message. If she’s trying to change the narrative it’s still all about her.

OP I hope you feel comforted by the fact most of us have the same visceral reaction you had. Don't let it spoil the party memories.

“ I’m not sure I can give advice on how to be a decent human being. Perhaps google it?”

I don't know, what other "warnings" are you referring to? I have a good friend with a severely disabled child. We had planned a trip to their city and yes, I'd have told DS in advance. I certainly would not expect the friend to pre-warn others. There's a subtle but important difference - it's reasonable for me as DS' mum to consider where I can and should prepare him for things if I can. But it's completely unreasonable for me to feel upset becuase someone else did nt tell me that a child with a difference would be at a party.

Having said that, I definitely do tend to think that endless trigger warnings are a bit silly. we all need to learn resilience and to be sufficiently robust to cope with perfectly normal, well-meaning interactions, even if they negatively impact us.

Would you extend your dislike of 'warnings' to all the other ones that seem obligatory these days? I tend to agree. But I don't pillory the mum here too viciously for falling in with the modern overprotective trend.

What a fucking prick op
Good luck with responding

World is full of utter twats. Unfortunately, they're fertile and then we're forced to interact with them!

I think the message from this woman shows how much ignorance continues to exist. As others have said, it's not strange that her children might have had questions. But if she can't come up with an answer to her children on the fly when the child is at a party and related to the party girl, how on earth will she cope when she's at a coffee shop and her child asks about the child in the queue with one eye, or in a wheelchair or whatever? Expecting "warnings" is the epitome of over-protective parenting that doesn't actually help children at all.

I do think the fact she thought she was in the right to even send that message /think that stuff, means she is not someone who will listen to reason or take any criticism of her behavior. Don't waste your time.

She sounds horrible.

Her message makes no sense anyway - if "dc had a great time etc" Then it isn't possible that "dc were scared and upset"

I'm not quite sure what I'd respond with other than something along the lines of at no point did their DC appear in any way upset or scared, and that if she doesn’t know how to deal with it (cousin's facial difference) your advice is that the family continue to socialise with people that are different from us, as yours do, as there's absolutely no stigma in looking different. If she's looking to explain why (and she hasn't said this, and me being petty would push back to find out if that's what she mean) then you're sure that there are a wealth of resources available that can be used to explain thing using child-appropriate language.

Those suggesting that a heads up would actually have been good, no. Absolutely not.
FWIW I don't have a facial difference, I'm a wheelchair user so get a bit of the Looks but not in the same way.
But when I was at uni a friend/ housemate had a friend from home staying, and she 'warned' the friend from home that I'm autistic beforehand. This was actually before I had a formal diagnosis, and I'd managed just fine (in an autistic way obviously) meeting people without them being pre-warned for the previous 20 years of my life. It was meant well, but I was really very hurt, as it implied that this person would find me shocking or uncomfortable to be around without a chance to prepare themself. It is not a good feeling, and certainly not one that this child or their parents should have to experience. It wouldn't reduce the number of potential stares, and anyway by 8 most kids should have been taught not to comment out loud on other people's bodies. Toddlers and preschoolers get taught not to say things like 'why is that lady so fat?' or 'why doesn't that man have any hair?', that needs to be extrapolated to visible disabilities and differences - yes, even if they've never come across it before, it can be part of the 'we don't make comments on other people's bodies' chats.

I’d send her a link to this thread. She needs to understand that her comment is so far out of line it’s unreal. Your reply,
on its own, won’t be enough I imagine.

She is a vile excuse for a human being.

Her children probably weren’t even scared. As happened with the cebeebies presenter with part of her arm missing. It was the parents who had a problem not the children.

That's awful; I'm so sorry.

The parent should have responded to her "scared and upset" children by briskly saying "Yes, some people look different or aren't exactly like us, and that's life. They're just the same as everyone else inside, and they deserve people to be nice to them because their lives aren't always as easy as ours. What shall we have for dinner?"

IOW she needed to talk to her children, not email you!!!

Please send me that awful mum's address so I can post a shit through her door

That's insane. Tell her to teach her kids not everyone is the same and can be different looking

Good grief her chuildren don't stand a chance!!!

What a vile human being

I love the way MN is suddenly enraged at someone being dispicsble to a disabled child.
Yet if some poor sod posts for advice about her autistic or adhd child with challenging behaviour all the witches come out because children with "that" type of disability don't deserve sympathy and "it must be to do with the parenting"

This parent is behaving immaturely/inapproproately. Most of the “f off” responses on here would be doing likewise. I’d simply say that it would be far better to have a sensible chat with your children about how some people in society might look/behave a bit different and how we should behave towards them, rather than expecting a heads up on their behalf prior to any encounter with any different people.