Party, child with visible difference

I do agree with @whynot2025 that there seems to be a type of performative outrage on this thread which, while reassuring to the OP that her shock is not unreasonable, does nothing to help her formulate a response that is not aggressive, offensive and risking ongoing problems within the group of friends/parents that her children will be in contact with for years to come.

@steppemum summed it up perfectly with "This women's attitude is awful, but the goal is to change it, to make her think, so that she approaches people differently and so that her child knows how to behave.
Calling her a cunt and blocking her will just confirm to her that she is in the right."

I’m really not sure what you’re asking me here! I’ve not mentioned treating a child like anything! Only the parent.

This is the correct response imv

You are correct that it is absolutely perfectly normal and age appropriate when children become frightened of, or anxious about, obvious physical differences.

I do think that asking for a heads up was a bit insenstiive. But the other mother also asked for advice.

But virtue signalling is far more important than connecting with or educating anyone to some people. They just get a rush out of moral grandstanding, it makes them feel superior. By loudly proclaiming their virtue and attacking others, they reinforce their self-image as morally elite. It’s less about the cause and more about them looking good.

Sometimes it’s a cover-up. If someone’s unsure of their own worth, yelling about righteousness can drown out their doubts. Putting others down makes them feel taller.

It is also a type of emotional release, fuelled by social approval. There is a lot of this behaviour on mumsnet.

It is performative posturing and you will not get a decent, fair response to your question.

Studies on social media behaviour back this up: people get hooked on the rush of being “right” while tearing someone else apart.

www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2024292118
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-017-0213-3

I actually at no point said that it was OK. I can only assume you skimmed rather than read my comment. What I said was that she may of asked because she wanted to explain it to her child. I was simply trying to provide a reason as to why she might of asked.

That you think it’s OK to actually ask what the childs’ disability is. It is not the job of disabled people to educate others about their own, or any other disability. And disability specific information isn’t needed to educate a child as to how to handle diversity and be kind and inclusive.

What? What's the problem with any of what i said?

OMG. I would reply asking if she knows how to be a decent parent and how to treat people with respect and kindness.

Agree with others this speaks volumes of her parenting. She doesn’t need to know the child’s facial condition to explain to the children that some people look different.

Children (especially depending on age) will ask a lot about what they see. They’ll ask why is that lady so fat, why is that man in a wheelchair, why is that lady bald, what’s wrong with that child’s face. Never in a million years would you ask just so you can explain it to your child! You take it as a learning curve to teach your child to be inclusive and not to ask these questions.

We face all different types of people throughout life, should we constantly have a warning when someone different is going to be somewhere? What age should this warning stop? Her message is disgusting. Children will ask questions but she didn’t need to involve you in her explanation to them at all!

I think the reading of the parent’s comment as a shitty ableist comment is only one possible reading, and not the most natural one.

She told OP her kids were scared - OP didn’t observe any such thing at the party. I think what’s happened here is that the kids have asked questions when they got home and this woman hasn’t a clue how to answer them. The very fact that she thought it was OK to email OP in this way is ableist in itself. It is not the job of disabled people and their families to educate people about disability. And suggesting a ‘heads up’ in advance is akin to the saying the child should come with a trigger warning. It’s disgusting.

There is enough literature out there for parents to utilise when teaching their kids about inclusivity - not to mention the subject being regularly included in kids TV programming - there is no excuse for what this woman did, it was totally unnecessary.

I like this answer too.
My neice has a visible difference, she is one of the 'stories' on the changing faces website and has campaigned for them too.

This women's attitude is awful, but the goal is to change it, to make her think, so that she approaches people differently and so that he child knows how to behave.
Calling her a cunt and blocking her will just confirm to her that she is in the right.

A person texted her and was a bit insensitive. To deal with means to take action and solve a problem. The OP did not have to do anything, she was not required to take any action or solve any problem. Could have simply ignored.

Er, deal with a mother who is so ill equipped as a parent to explain diversity and inclusivity to her child, that she’s blaming OP for not letting her have ‘advance warning’ that another child at the party has a facial difference.

Ah just a goady silly then. Bless your heart.

Now you're not making any sense, unless you're actively trying for a deletion of thread/your posts?

I think someone's 7 year old has got hold of their phone.

The kids didn't pick on anyone. The party, as OP said, went great.

Their reaction was absolutely normal and age appropriate, which is a well studied and accepted reality.

The mother was a bit insensitive and should have educated them appropriately.

I think lots of people care and think this woman's behaviour was awful, as evidenced on this thread.
You have a very strong reaction of derision to people on this thread.
Why the need for the (immature) name calling?

Agreed.

Although a lot of people say that children use difference to pick on others that's not my experience until they get older.

This says a lot about that mother than anyone else.

That is the kind of person I can't help ghosting. I'd just never want to reply or ever interact with that woman again.