Party, child with visible difference

As a mother of a disabled child who’s family don’t always have the same attitude just wanted to say you are brilliant and your attitude will mean so much to your niece and her family

Does she expect your nephew's mum to get an announcement make in Tesco to earn shoppers before she enters with him, in case his appearance scares someone? Because that's the level of ridiculousness that this stupid woman seems to expect.

I'd have to wait a few days to calm down enough to answer. By which time I'd probably 'forget' to.

"Dear cuntface,
I'm sorry that you're such a failure as both a human being and parent, that you now need me to tell you how to appropriately explain this to your children. " I'd open with that

Type some passive aggressive jibberish and then Maybe close with "to ensure this doesn't happen again, I will make sure to remove your children's names from any future parties I will be hosting."

If her eight year old child has been so unexposed to society that she’s never met people with facial differences, disabilities etc, to such an extent she’s actually scared and upset about a child with a difference, then that’s entirely on her and her parenting. I’d fully expect a child to ask questions about something they haven’t seen before but surely most people can give an appropriate answer without actually messaging the party host.

But I probably wouldn’t start arguing with a parent at my child’s school, I’d just not reply. I suppose the one good thing is they messaged you, an adult, and didn’t start grilling the child at the party - I’ve seen kids be asked totally inappropriate questions before by adults who should know better.

A part of me would want to go in all guns blazing at her but then another part of me would not want to give her the time of day and block her then if she asked at the school gates why you hadn't replied then I would announce to the whole playground what a vile bitch she was and that you don’t want someone like her in your life - obviously not in front of the kids but when other parents are there so they are aware.

Do you really need to ask if this full grown adult is unreasonable to have this fucking appalling attitude? Really?

But as you ask YANBU to tell her to fuck all the way off.

'Hi other mum, I would have really appreciated a heads up on what a horrible person you are, I would have never invited you otherwise. I'm feeling very scared and upset that there's such vile humans on the Earth'.
This person doesn't deserve 'calmed down'. Let her have it, for that child who will face this disgusting behaviour for the rest of their life. For every other person who has had to endure the same, make sure she never, ever, behaves like this again.

God this is depressing. What message is she sending her kids if that is the reaction. I despair

I'd say something like, "I don't know what to say to this. Are you not teaching your children that children with visible differences exist and that they're just as valid as anyone else? If not, you should be."

I’d tell her that as she unfortunately can’t go back in time and not have her children to save us all from her shit parenting she should just go fuck herself instead.

It isn’t her DC’s fault but I absolutely would not be inviting them to any future events that cousin will be attending. I’d assume mothers vile views will end up passed on to them.

Exactly. How were her kids during the party. Did they show signs of upset. Assuming that you'd have noticed if they were it sounds like she's the one making an issue of it.

I dont think I could hold back my anger in replying to her

If the little girls appearance had been commented on she should have behaved like a normal human being and pointed out that yes some people do look different but that's OK

WHAT DID I JUST READ. What an absolutely heinous human being. I hope you fire back to her making it clear how disgusting that is. Am livid and I wasn’t even there! Sorry OP, some people are just epic dicks.

What a load of ablist shite from the mum.
Heads up that not every single person in the world looks absolutely identical?
She should teach her kids that you shouldn't be 'scared' of people that don't look the same as you. That it's what's inside that counts.
Just ignore her. I'd say don't speak to her again but it would be a shame to exclude her kid as it's not their fault.

Yes it’s sad but ‘Changing Faces’ says it’s very common. I guess it’s good that the mum is being open and asking for advice. Maybe look at https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/for-professionals/teachers/supporting-pupils-visible-difference/supporting-children-visible-differences/#:~:text=11%2D16%20years.-,What%20is%20visible%20difference%20and%20disfigurement%3F,111%20people%20in%20the%20population.
for advice or direct the mum to it. Maybe also ask the mum/dad of the cousin how they deal with it. Or ask the cousin herself if her parents think she’d like to have a say.

just had a look and found this book thst might be helpful, https://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Extraordinary-Face-Celebration-Differences/dp/B0BFWNGR5X/ref=ascdfB0BFWNGR5X?mcid=7e3981a018f73b0881c7966c6c115de5&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=703701821511&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13855144506665222283&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006668&hvtargid=pla-2307383947561&psc=1&gadsource=1
don’t know if it’s any good.
children need to learn about differences and have the space to ask questions. When I was a primary teacher I found books were often a way in to really helpful discussions eg once there was a child with epilepsy in the class and he was more included after we’d read a book, discussed it and I reassured them that epilepsy wasn’t catching, which I hadn’t known some of the class were worried about before.

Send them this: https://myface.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Parenting-Guide.pdf

It's mostly to help parents who have a child with facial difference but it has a section that talks about helping children talk to others about facial difference/dealing with bullying.

Hopefully if she is genuinely looking for help to discuss this with her children then by the end of reading it she will have a better understanding of what it is like to deal with this.

It's easy to be angry. If giving information means that she and her children actually gain a better understanding of what it means to live with a facial difference I think that's a win.

Hi mum, sorry to hear your daughter was upset. Perhaps this is a good chance to teach her that some people look different to her and that's ok, disabilities are nothing to be afraid of.

I can't believe what I've just read! What a foul woman. Give her both barrels!

If her DC was so scared and upset I bet she left the party crying and screaming. No? She stayed for cake and had fun? The only freak here is the mum.

Send her this, just for the benefit of other people who might be unfortunate to come across her in the future: www.changingfaces.org.uk/about-visible-difference/

And don't engage further

I'd lose the plot.
Or just reply with "I've literally no idea what you expect from me. Your child shouldn't be scared by another child unless you have taught them to be"

I'd probably also tell everyone who knows her just how vile she is. Pretending to be asking for advice when really she's just sharing her prejudices.

I’d be tempted to type back

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Have. I. Just. Read?!

What a revolting thing to think, let alone text to someone.

I wonder how all the other little darling managed? Maybe not because their parents have done some parenting. I cannot believe how often adults think this is a reasonable request. Little girls I know was asked to keep her prosthetic limb on at swimming glasses because it made a little girl feel ill. In front of her. End result of course is the girl never went back and lost access to one of the activities she can easily take part in.

Jesus. What did you say? I'd struggle to come up with something halfway polite but given her absolutely vile message, I would say fuck the politeness and just give her a good piece of your mind.