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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have invited my friend’s girlfriend to the wedding?

140 replies

PlusOneThousand · 24/02/2025 17:01

We sent out wedding invitations a month ago for our wedding in the early summer. A friend of mine (and now my partner’s) of around a decade has been invited, but his girlfriend, whom he’s been with for approx 2 years, has not. The rationale is that I’ve never actually met her - I see him quite regularly but she always makes excuses or drops out at the last minute. This must’ve happened on around 10 occasions, so I stopped asking and she’s never made any effort. They don’t live together. Our friendship has changed a bit as a result and I do see him less often but we still have a good time when we do.

Onto the wedding… my wedding is not small but we have struggled a bit with numbers and also had a mental rule that while there may be some instances where one of us had not met a guest, if neither bride nor groom had met the +1, we were minded not to invite them unless there were extenuating circumstances.

My friend is actually fine with this and was very understanding - and I said if we got some declines and there was space I’d consider inviting GF closer to the time.

Apparently the woman is so incensed by the lack of invite that there’s no point even inviting her later. She is completely outraged because he was invited as a +1 to a wedding of her friend’s (who I obviously don’t know! Not sure how it’s relevant). So - was I BU to not invite her?

OP posts:
OrangeYaGlad · 26/02/2025 12:02

How can you be uncomfortable around someone you've never met, exactly?

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 11:57

Not entirely sure I believe the dialogue about not meeting. Had she other events on? Was there a clash? She’s still with her boyfriend so maybe she’s uncomfortable around the bride? After 2 years together I guess this guy leads two lives: one with his girlfriend and one with the bride and that set of friends. Plus how does the op know she’s upset if there’s no contact? Via the boyfriend? I think he’s advocated for her. Not everyone can be mates with everyone else and what was she invited to? Something she would just hate and feel out of place going? Maybe she’s very insecure. Anyway she knows where she stands!

OrangeYaGlad · 26/02/2025 10:47

CarmelaBrunella · 26/02/2025 09:28

I would agree with you. A girlfriend of over 2 years, surely gets the +1? I actually think it's rude to exclude her, but the decision has been made.

It's certainly no ruder than she has already been.

A girlfriend of over 2 years, yes, who in thise two years has said over and over again: I do not want to even meet you, let alone make friends with you. And now she's upset at not being invited to the wedding, and half of MN agrees with her?
Madness. Absolute insanity. What next, I didn't invite someone who actually spat in my face, am.i rude..MN, yes, she's his plus one!!
Loons.

CarmelaBrunella · 26/02/2025 09:43

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:40

I find the notion that guests are “rewarded” by being invited to a wedding somewhat bizarre. I’m sure many of us get a wedding invitation and check our diaries and think of what else we could have done and then we think of the expense. I don’t often feel rewarded! Most are too long and boring. However my DD is more generous than me and has been to 27 weddings so far and she’s early 30s.

Yes, it's odd. It seems that some brides (and grooms) do think they're bestowing an honour by inviting you! You're sharing their special day at their invitation.

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:40

I find the notion that guests are “rewarded” by being invited to a wedding somewhat bizarre. I’m sure many of us get a wedding invitation and check our diaries and think of what else we could have done and then we think of the expense. I don’t often feel rewarded! Most are too long and boring. However my DD is more generous than me and has been to 27 weddings so far and she’s early 30s.

CarmelaBrunella · 26/02/2025 09:31

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:29

She is not plus one. You know her name!! You know who she is. If her partner is coming on his own, what’s all the fuss about? Just move on and be happy you have saved some money and you are content with your decision. Obviously you are not going to care what she thinks so why worry about it. You are not going to change anything now.

Yes, I would agree with this, it's done now.

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:29

She is not plus one. You know her name!! You know who she is. If her partner is coming on his own, what’s all the fuss about? Just move on and be happy you have saved some money and you are content with your decision. Obviously you are not going to care what she thinks so why worry about it. You are not going to change anything now.

CarmelaBrunella · 26/02/2025 09:28

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:02

Yes I do think modern brides can be selfish. All the rhetoric is about your day, your wants, you being the centre of attention. It’s all me me me. I prefer a less bride centric view where significant partners are included. It’s just a polite acknowledgment of who she is. If she says no, then so be it. Has her partner agreed to come? It just makes angst where there didn’t need to be any. I would advise my DDs to invite partners and they have an inclusive outlook anyway.

I would agree with you. A girlfriend of over 2 years, surely gets the +1? I actually think it's rude to exclude her, but the decision has been made.

Tagyoureit · 26/02/2025 09:26

Folks going on about wedding etiquette is all well and good, you should invite plus ones, they've been together 2 years blah blah blah!

But what about friendship etiquette? This woman has made no effort whatsoever in getting to know her boyfriend's friends for 2 years! Where's her etiquette towards her own boyfriend to make an effort with friends he's known for years and years?
She's been invited on nights out, get together etc and for 2 years has either said no or bowed out at the last minute!

No way in hell does that behaviour get rewarded with being invited to a wedding of people SHE has made no effort with where her presence actually needs to be paid for by the very same people she has snubbed for 2 years!!

Pinkdreams · 26/02/2025 09:24

Nope there's not a single reason to invite her, she never bothered to attend your meetings so why should she get to have fun at your party

Chuchoter · 26/02/2025 09:19

Your friend has stirred the pot by telling you that she is in a rage over not being invited so go save any more drama I would withdraw his invitation.

Your wedding day needs to be drama free.

Westfacing · 26/02/2025 09:16

Usually I would say that a partner of two years should be invited but this girl has been a 'no show' on many occasions according the OP. Numbers are always tight at weddings - what if she accepts an invitation then doesn't turn up!

PlusOneThousand · 26/02/2025 09:09

TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:02

Yes I do think modern brides can be selfish. All the rhetoric is about your day, your wants, you being the centre of attention. It’s all me me me. I prefer a less bride centric view where significant partners are included. It’s just a polite acknowledgment of who she is. If she says no, then so be it. Has her partner agreed to come? It just makes angst where there didn’t need to be any. I would advise my DDs to invite partners and they have an inclusive outlook anyway.

He is adamant he is coming. I don’t think it’s all about me and have tried very much to be inclusive (realise you won’t know this as there’s much more detail to the wedding than solely this)! But… also I’m paying for it. He often socialises on his own. She’s refused to meet us. I’ve not been to weddings where people get “+1” and not named guest.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 26/02/2025 09:02

Yes I do think modern brides can be selfish. All the rhetoric is about your day, your wants, you being the centre of attention. It’s all me me me. I prefer a less bride centric view where significant partners are included. It’s just a polite acknowledgment of who she is. If she says no, then so be it. Has her partner agreed to come? It just makes angst where there didn’t need to be any. I would advise my DDs to invite partners and they have an inclusive outlook anyway.

enidblythe · 26/02/2025 07:24

I totally get your decision process and I respect it

Personally I would have just invited the partner of 2 years - more out of respect for my friendship and my friend.

talktalk66 · 26/02/2025 07:10

DrawerHandle · 24/02/2025 17:26

I understand your logic, but I would have definitely invited a partner of two years. I did so at our wedding and have no regrets. We decided who we wanted at our wedding, and then downscaled and chose the venue according to that rather then the other way round. I know that is probably unusual.

We invited single people with a plus one, saying it could be anybody from a partner or friend to a relative. Just so they would not be on their own. Work colleagues excepted as they were a group anyway.

This is the perfect way to do it, good on you! I think that weddings ARE as much about the guests and looking after their needs, as well as the couple's needs. You wouldn't have that type of wedding without the guests. I see them like an audience that need to be looked after well. It makes for a great wedding.

Gravytanned · 26/02/2025 06:40

TizerorFizz · 25/02/2025 23:44

@Kahless You invite her because she’s the long standing girlfriend of a good friend. As she’s not part of a schoolfriend or university group or work group, she’s a significant partner of a good friend. My DD has been to weddings where she’s never met the groom. It’s not about who you have met, it’s the status as the girlfriend. It’s about sharing your day and not being selfish.

Selfish? Sorry but that's ridiculous and if there's a day you can be selfish I think it's on your own wedding day!

They've tried to meet this woman, she's avoided every opportunity which is frankly fucking rude. Why on earth should the couple spend a fortune accommodating her when she can't even be arsed to pop round for a glass of wine with them.

TizerorFizz · 25/02/2025 23:44

@Kahless You invite her because she’s the long standing girlfriend of a good friend. As she’s not part of a schoolfriend or university group or work group, she’s a significant partner of a good friend. My DD has been to weddings where she’s never met the groom. It’s not about who you have met, it’s the status as the girlfriend. It’s about sharing your day and not being selfish.

NattyTurtle59 · 25/02/2025 23:15

I wouldn't dream of inviting a friend to a wedding and not their long term partner. YABVU.

Bonbon249 · 25/02/2025 23:10

You do know that if she does deign to come, she'll be wearing white!

squashgummies · 25/02/2025 21:59

Snowmanscarf · 24/02/2025 17:27

i was expecting you to say they’d been together a couple of months, not two years! I think two years is a significant relationship (are they living together?) and warrants an invite.

Agreed.

Scottishskifun · 25/02/2025 21:55

We did the same as you when we got married we did put a thing in the invite that we couldn't have everyone but if people wanted a plus 1 then to get in contact and we could see what the numbers were doing.
None of our friends had an issue with this bar 1 of DHs who was incensed apparently. We explained we preferred to celebrate with more friends but understood if she didn't want to come. Our other friend pointed out anyone who she would bring as a plus 1 was also invited to the wedding....... she did come in the end but I wished she hadn't as she made little digs and comments everytime she spoke to me. Turns out she was annoyed I married DH as she thought he would see sense 😂 safe to say not a friend anymore!

Mamabear487 · 25/02/2025 21:44

I see your logic behind it as I’m getting married in September and the guest list is stressful BUT it’s your close friend and that’s the partner so I would have made a different decision and not been petty about it.

Lurkingonmn · 25/02/2025 21:41

We had some family members insisting other family members be invited to our wedding etc. My partner had been married previously. A lot if these relatives were invited to and attended his first wedding and that was the last time he saw them- 10 years before our wedding.
We had a rule to address these issues. We only invited people to our wedding and reception if we had both seen them in the last 12 months. We still had 100 guests because the friends and family that were there are people we actually regularly spent time with 😱
My parents said if we didn't want to invite anyone on their sides of the family they'd happily deal with them if there was an issue as it was our day.
It is your wedding for you and people who are important to you.

Ohwhydidntijustkeepmymouthshut · 25/02/2025 21:08

We will be the fourth couple in our friendship group to get married and none have invited ‘+1s’ it’s named guests only. I think it’s dated and works out expensive when paying per head. Especially if they are likely to cancel last minute.
I wouldn’t want anyone there iv never met and definitely anyone who I don’t think is ‘happy for us’ and I don’t think she is.
why does she want to come anyway if she clearly doesn’t like spending time with you?

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