Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not reply to an invite?

30 replies

MummaOnThedge · 24/02/2025 15:28

I apologise if this is very long but I need to provide a bit of back story for everyone to understand. My dad left my mum and remarried when my sister and I were young. My stepmum already had 2 children and then they went on to have 2 more children. From what I can remember, it was a messy divorce. I just remember a lot of arguing between my mum and dad at the time.

We used to go round to see my dad every other weekend, as agreed in the divorce. However, from the get go my sister and I were often left out of things and we felt like we had missed out on so much whenever we would go over. My dad would pick my step siblings up from school and not wait to see us come out. They planned a massive family holiday abroad which we were almost left out of until my nan stepped in to pay for us.

In recent years, I have found out that they have a separate group chat without us in and we often see various days out put on social media that we haven't been invited to. Effort to get together is often one sided on our part. We both live about 45 minutes away from everyone else so it is usually us driving to them for Christmas and birthdays, none will drive to us.

In the last couple of years I've stopped putting in the effort to meet up because the one sided relationship was having an affect on my mental health. I have also cancelled plans last minute a couple of times due to this too, just for fear of being unwanted there.

So, one of my stepsiblings is having a baby. They now live up north with their partner and they invited us to a baby shower/drinks in a pub down south for the family and friends to attend. I assumed this was the only event they were holding. I of course went and took gifts which were well received. I went to my dads the weekend after as it was my daughters birthday and it is the only way they would have seen her for it. While I was there they were talking about another baby shower my stepsibling was having up north, showing me all the gifts they had bought them and talking about what they were going to wear etc.

At this point, I just went quiet and didn't say anything but I could see my dad looking at me from the corner of my eye. The next day we got an invitation to said baby shower, in 2 weeks time. Now I would like to know if AIBU if I don't reply because I feel insulted tbh? We would need to book a hotel and factor in a 4 hour drive each way if we were to go. Also, i just feel like we weren't wanted there otherwise we would have been invited along with everyone else. It's been a week and I haven't acknowledged it. The baby shower is next weekend. AIBU?

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Oncewornballgown · 24/02/2025 18:38

I can understand your hurt feelings due to having had a similar background and experiences. Unfortunately, if you don’t make some kind of gracious reply that will be all that is remembered.

RelapsedChocoholic · 24/02/2025 18:18

I’m sorry op but you’re being unreasonable about this

Your father failed you as a child, absolutely
Your step/half siblings were children too and don’t bear the responsibility of making up for his failure

The organised gathering down south was an event, regardless of the number of games. They didn’t have to have it, and they didn’t have to invite you. You chose to go, and were happy to have done so.

Your issue is with your father, and any reparations are his to make.

Original poster
MummaOnThedge · 24/02/2025 17:51

So the one down south wasn't really an event, it was just drinks in a pub. There were a couple of tables booked but no set up and it was at 5pm until late. It was by no means an actual baby shower. I still had to drive to it and it took 90 minutes at that time of the day.

The one up north is the main event which will be an actual baby shower with the traditional set up of games etc. Yes it is much further away but had we been given more notice to attend, I definitely would have gone. When we received our invite on the group chat last week it was a pretty e-invite well thought out and planned. All the family from down south are going to this one too.

I think I'm just annoyed that we weren't even considered for the main shower but I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering everything in the past.

OP posts:
Earlyattheairport · 24/02/2025 16:47

Of course you don't need to go, but it would be horrible not to reply.

TattooGuineaPig · 24/02/2025 16:44

Having 2 showers is greedy. You don't need to go to both. How interesting can it possibly be? I think you over-reacted by sulking in front of your dad, but he was nice to try and fix it for you.

FranticHare · 24/02/2025 16:23

By itself this is an isolated incident it would seem petty to ignore the invite.

But in the context of all the history, I completely get it.

Maybe it's time to take a step back. Reply, but short and sweet - sorry, already got plans. Then decide how you want the future relationship to work.

pizzaHeart · 24/02/2025 16:16

Tillow4ever · 24/02/2025 16:04

Imagine if they'd sent you the invite from the off - would you hand been on here calling them a CF for inviting you to two baby showers?

I think there's a few different things going on that all feel intertwined. I don't see anything wrong with you only being invited to one shower and at least someone noticed you were upset so went out of their way to invite you - they clearly didn't want to upset you, look at it that way!

I think you should reply thanking them for the kind invitation but explain it's too far away and wish them a happy day.

I agree with this ^ - different things are intertwined here
you were upset and your dad and your stepsister actually considered it straight away. It’s good. Please reply and be polite just say that you can’t do this unfortunately but wish them well and so on. Don’t be passive aggressive.
However it sounds like your dad behaved as a twat a lot towards you in the past. Maybe it’s worth to chat with him about it or just leave it and only react on every separate thing without remembering the past.
But do reply.

snotathing · 24/02/2025 16:10

I'm not sure I'd have gone to one baby shower, never mind two. You've done your bit, decline the second one.

Your father sounds like a dose.

EverySaturday · 24/02/2025 16:08

I can see why you are hurt by your dad and step mum's behaviour in the past, and possibly your adult siblings and step siblings too. It's horrible to be excluded from your own family. I think that's making you overreact to this situation.
If you're having multiple baby showers it's grabby to expect people to attend more than one! Your dad noticed you felt left out and told your step sibling, who then invited you.
Reply to say you can't make it.

Guavafish1 · 24/02/2025 16:07

You have other plans… thanks for invite

also no one goes to 2 baby showers

Snorlaxo · 24/02/2025 16:06

Is it possible that all of the invites were sent when you received yours? Is it possible that stepsister arranged her baby shower around her mom’s availability so she (and by extension your dad) knew before the date was set?

If you don’t want to go or can’t go then don’t but what does not replying achieve ? You know that they have a history of rejecting you and if it is a pity invite then you’re not required to go. 🤷‍♀️

If you want to continue a relationship then send some gifts online and keep it polite but if I knew you irl then I’d be asking you why you wanted a relationship with people who aren’t bothered with you. I know that you’re biologically programmed to want your dad to love you but there’s decades of proof that he doesn’t love you how you’d like to be loved. He sees you as lesser than his stepchildren and any amount of chasing him won’t change that. It sounds like you know this deep down 😢

Hollyhedge · 24/02/2025 16:04

Hollyhedge · 24/02/2025 16:03

Just don’t go OP. I know how hard step families are and it’s best to protect yourself. I am very selective about what I go to. Do everything on your terms.

Sorry missed the point. Reply, sorry can’t make this one. No reply seems a bit pointless

Tillow4ever · 24/02/2025 16:04

Imagine if they'd sent you the invite from the off - would you hand been on here calling them a CF for inviting you to two baby showers?

I think there's a few different things going on that all feel intertwined. I don't see anything wrong with you only being invited to one shower and at least someone noticed you were upset so went out of their way to invite you - they clearly didn't want to upset you, look at it that way!

I think you should reply thanking them for the kind invitation but explain it's too far away and wish them a happy day.

Hollyhedge · 24/02/2025 16:03

Just don’t go OP. I know how hard step families are and it’s best to protect yourself. I am very selective about what I go to. Do everything on your terms.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 24/02/2025 15:59

Lovely to hear your presents were so great they want you to bring more to them, but you're not Amazon.

CloudywMeatballs · 24/02/2025 15:59

Of course you're being unreasonable not to reply! You certainly shouldn't feel like you should attend, especially as you've already been to one. But what would not replying achieve? "Thanks for the invitation but I won't be able to make it."

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 24/02/2025 15:58

I would reply but I would think very seriously about my relationship with my father going forward.

Once he got another family, he has sidelined you both to the most appalling degree. How have you squared that away OP?

Justlurking101 · 24/02/2025 15:54

would you have gone to both if given more notice? Your step/ half / whatever sister is obviously trying to accommodate family and friends in both locations. I doubt many are invited to both, I wouldn't have wanted an invite to the one a 4 hour plus drive away. Just politely decline and wish her well.

CoastalCalm · 24/02/2025 15:54

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong - they had two separate events to make it convenient for family down south - I wouldn’t feel slighted by not being invited to the N version and no issues with replying thanks but it’s too far to travel etc

Yerblues · 24/02/2025 15:53

I would take a step back from this side of the family as it is making you anxious and unhappy. Hopefully you have a good relationship with your mum. Maybe think about some counselling to work through your feelings which are entirely justified.

SofaSpuds · 24/02/2025 15:51

From what I've read you've already been to a "local" shower, so there's no need to travel to a 2nd one. Just say thanks, but no thanks.

Coffeeishot · 24/02/2025 15:50

Sorry my autocorrect jumped straight to sister, I appreciate you said sibling.

pimplebum · 24/02/2025 15:49

they held a south baby shower that you were invited to and attended

there was a second baby shower , held in the north, which initially you were not invited to but after your dad blabbed you got an invite

don’t go if too much hassle

at least you were invited ?

Coffeeishot · 24/02/2025 15:48

The other kids were involved in the adults mainly your dad toing and froing it was awkward for everyone your step sister is just trying to keep the peace.

Diningtableornot · 24/02/2025 15:47

What would you hope to achieve by not replying?
If you want them to know you are offended and hurt about being an afterthought, it's better to tell them that directly. Otherwise they might guess that you just forgot to reply, or that you're a bit rude.
If you don't want them to know that, just reply saying you can't make it.