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Original poster

To ask for causal?

38 replies

Anniebellss · 24/02/2025 14:57

Am I being unreasonable/stupid to ask a guy if he fancies causal after he rejected me?

Don’t want to write a ridiculously long post so going to do bullet points.

• met a guy on OLD
• 2 dates, both of them good vibes, lots of laugh, good chats and kiss at the end of the second date
• lots of sexual tension and flirting with him suggesting to going back to his place

• conversation dried up
• I was up for more dates but he seemed reluctant so called him out on it and said it’s OK if he is not interested
• he came back saying that he appreciated my honesty/directness and he thinks I’m cool, chats were good but he is busy and doesn’t feel a spark
• all good, wished him well

I am thinking though that I could really benefit from a casual set up.

What are the thoughts on this?

pros:
• he expresses desire to take things further on those dates and we nearly did on the second one
• he seemed like a down to earth, genuine guy and not a twat
• I liked him but to be honest I wasn’t feeling the spark either. Definitely not for a long term relationship but I liked the flirting and the game and wanted to carry on with that.

cons:
• will I look desperate? But then who cares, if he says no or doesn’t respond… I am never going to see him again
• there are definitely more cons but I can’t think of anymore

Realistically the chances of him getting back to me are slim. Not sure what he is looking for, we never actually discussed. But I think if I shoot my shot at least I tried ?

TIA for any advice x

OP posts:
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DoYouReally · 24/02/2025 19:43

He has told you he has zero interest in you. (Nicer than that but the same message).

He's either looking for something else and/or has no interest in even a casual relationship with you.

Don't humiliate yourself by asking unless you are completely OK with being ignored or getting a negative response.

Never be a pity lay!

chickenlettuceunderbacon · 24/02/2025 19:14

Absolutely flummoxed as to why you would want a casual whatever with a guy you don't feel a spark for and who doesn't feel a spark for you?

Your time would be better spend working on your self-esteem.

TulipCat · 24/02/2025 18:31

Stop flogging a dead horse. It won't end well.

TemporaryPosition · 24/02/2025 18:25

You deserve better. You really do. Do you have a daughter? Imagine you did, how much you loved her and how you would feel if she asked you this x

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 24/02/2025 18:23

Ah ... casual!

GrainneIsAinmDom · 24/02/2025 17:51

gannett · 24/02/2025 17:48

I don't think pursuing a man for a casual no-strings fling is desperate, nor would I be worried about being judged as such. It's OK to want casual sex. I don't know why I'd bother if I didn't feel any spark, the dating had fizzled out and he didn't give any indication he wanted a casual fling, though.

Agree it isn't about it being casual sex - it's about asking someone for casual sex who you have no chemistry with and who has rejected you already. That's the 'desperate' bit

gannett · 24/02/2025 17:48

I don't think pursuing a man for a casual no-strings fling is desperate, nor would I be worried about being judged as such. It's OK to want casual sex. I don't know why I'd bother if I didn't feel any spark, the dating had fizzled out and he didn't give any indication he wanted a casual fling, though.

GrainneIsAinmDom · 24/02/2025 17:45

Yes, I think you will look a bit desperate

There must be other men who want a casual / FWB thing

JHound · 24/02/2025 17:42

LetMeGoogleThat · 24/02/2025 16:30

No, you probably are convincing yourself that you just want casual. But, secretly hopefully it would lead to more.

FWB only work if you are very honest up front, and he has been.

This.

RaininSummer · 24/02/2025 17:22

Hell no. If he said he wasn't interested leave it there. Definitely don't say ok how about a shag then.

CuteEasterBunny · 24/02/2025 17:13

Absolutely don’t lower yourself.

Crazycatlady79 · 24/02/2025 17:12

As above, you've already posted about this.
If you suggest something casual, you will come across as absolutely desperate.
Move. On.

LetMeGoogleThat · 24/02/2025 16:30

No, you probably are convincing yourself that you just want casual. But, secretly hopefully it would lead to more.

FWB only work if you are very honest up front, and he has been.

JHound · 24/02/2025 16:06

HolyPeaches · 24/02/2025 15:39

If the roles were reversed:

Man: Hey I’ve really enjoyed our dates, I really like you and can feel the spark. I’m wanting to take things further and see each other more.

Woman: Hey I think you’re a really cool guy, I appreciate your message, however I’m not feeling the same spark so don’t want to continue things. I wish you well.

Man: No worries. Do you fancy some casual sex instead?

Creep Alert! Please don’t be a creep OP. Get yourself on some hook-up sites if you want some casual shags.

This puts it so well 😂

Starsandsparkles112 · 24/02/2025 15:55

If you did this it would make you look desperate. You should have more respect for yourself

snotathing · 24/02/2025 15:43

I am cringing for you that would consider asking a man who has said he's not interested to shag you anyway. He has said you aren't for him. Please don't beg.

HolyPeaches · 24/02/2025 15:39

If the roles were reversed:

Man: Hey I’ve really enjoyed our dates, I really like you and can feel the spark. I’m wanting to take things further and see each other more.

Woman: Hey I think you’re a really cool guy, I appreciate your message, however I’m not feeling the same spark so don’t want to continue things. I wish you well.

Man: No worries. Do you fancy some casual sex instead?

Creep Alert! Please don’t be a creep OP. Get yourself on some hook-up sites if you want some casual shags.

JHound · 24/02/2025 15:38

Don’t do it. It makes you look desperate.

ItGhoul · 24/02/2025 15:36

Anniebellss · 24/02/2025 15:16

What other thread? @letslaughitoff and @PinkArt ?

Thanks for all the views on this though. It’s pretty grounding…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5281171-that-this-confused-him?reply=142412831

This one. Different user name but it's definitely you.

ItGhoul · 24/02/2025 15:33

OP, it's very clear from both this and your other thread that he doesn't want any kind of relationship with you, either casual or otherwise.

Forget him and move on. It is weird to keep fixating on him like this when he has made his feelings completely clear.

There is no confusion, things have not been left open. He isn't interested.

If you want casual sex with someone, you can find someone else for that. There is no shortage of men looking for it. Don't go pestering someone who has very clearly told you he doesn't feel any attraction to you.

I don't think he felt the same sexual tension that you did, at all.

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/02/2025 15:31

@Anniebellss i didn’t finish reading after I read he said “no spark “
Thats the deal breaker .
There is no causal or anything serious without the spark.

So no absolutely do NOT message him
again.

Original poster
Anniebellss · 24/02/2025 15:16

What other thread? @letslaughitoff and @PinkArt ?

Thanks for all the views on this though. It’s pretty grounding…

OP posts:
Garlicgarlicgarlic · 24/02/2025 15:11

'pros:
• he expresses desire to take things further on those dates and we nearly did on the second one
• he seemed like a down to earth, genuine guy and not a twat
• I liked him but to be honest I wasn’t feeling the spark either. Definitely not for a long term relationship but I liked the flirting and the game and wanted to carry on with that.'

None of these are pros.
'not a twat' is the absolute bare minimum in a boyfriend.

Never offer yourself up to a man who is already uninterested. It's a guaranteed way to destroy your self esteem.

letslaughitoff · 24/02/2025 15:10

Op in the kindest way leave the man alone and move on he dont want you.
I said this on your other thread.
You started to sound like a sex pest.

CloudywMeatballs · 24/02/2025 15:09

BeaAndBen · 24/02/2025 15:06

Causal - I thought you were after a new medication from a GP and came on to find out what it did!

Casual? As in a shag? Nah, mate, get yourself a decent vibrator and sort yourself out.

I was also wondering what causal meant! Did she really mean casual?