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AIBU?

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Original poster

What do I do?

45 replies

Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:18

So, ex has just called as I requested to change days with the children to ever other weekend. He has disagreed and now said he will have them 50% of the time and not pay me maintenance.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 24/02/2025 13:28

You could agree to 50/50, but then you run the risk that he will stop the maintenance and still mess about with being late, not collecting them, constantly wanting to swap days or get you to do extra days or nights.

If he is not reliable, keep the maintenance and just alter your expectations of him, i.e. don't let it bother you if he is late or drops days or wants to swap.

If you want to go out of an evening, do it on one of your days/nights and get a proper babysitter. That way, his behaviour won't affect you.

Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:58

mrsm43s · 24/02/2025 12:55

So you want him to do every other weekend, plus pick them up from school and have them Monday and Tuesdays then drop them back to yours (so they don't count as overnights for CM purposes}?

Honestly, I can see that him having them 50/50 isn't an enormous jump from that. Why can't he have them Mondays and Tuesday overnight? So you have them every Thursday & Friday plus every other weekend, he has them Monday and Tuesday (which he's already doing school pick ups for) and every other weekend and then you do alternate Wednesdays. It would probably be a better routine for the kids with less to-ing and fro-ing, and deals with your childcare issues.

Or is it all about you want his money rather than what works for the children?

Edited

No not at all. I am happy for him to have them one night in the week when it isn’t his weekend. It’s not about the money. He is always late picking them up and I thought it would be easier for everybody when it isn’t a school day

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 24/02/2025 12:55

So you want him to do every other weekend, plus pick them up from school and have them Monday and Tuesdays then drop them back to yours (so they don't count as overnights for CM purposes}?

Honestly, I can see that him having them 50/50 isn't an enormous jump from that. Why can't he have them Mondays and Tuesday overnight? So you have them every Thursday & Friday plus every other weekend, he has them Monday and Tuesday (which he's already doing school pick ups for) and every other weekend and then you do alternate Wednesdays. It would probably be a better routine for the kids with less to-ing and fro-ing, and deals with your childcare issues.

Or is it all about you want his money rather than what works for the children?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 24/02/2025 12:54

Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:34

I honestly did not mean to offend you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Honestly it wasn’t meant that way I am just so sick of dealing with one thing after another.

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I understand why you wrote it. Sometimes I'd wish that just to feel safe and so my DD could feel safe and unconflicted. Not that it wouldn't be horribly hard for them and i wouldn't want them to go through that, but its the only way I could imagine ever feeling completely safe again. Everytime I think things are settling down he does something and the kids are back being really distressed after seeing him. I don't claim CS though, too worried about how he'd react and he threatens to go for 50/50 if i do. If the hell he's put you through involves abuse I'd be fighting it every step of the way.

Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:40

AFrankExchangeofViews · 24/02/2025 12:36

If its 50/50 you do nothing, he buys uniform for when they're at his and pays for and does everything related to that week. How much child support does he currently pay?

Currently 500 pm as he only has them one night per week

OP posts:
peachgreen · 24/02/2025 12:37

Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:34

I honestly did not mean to offend you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Honestly it wasn’t meant that way I am just so sick of dealing with one thing after another.

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No worries OP. Thanks for apologising. All the best with it.

AFrankExchangeofViews · 24/02/2025 12:36

If its 50/50 you do nothing, he buys uniform for when they're at his and pays for and does everything related to that week. How much child support does he currently pay?

Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:34

peachgreen · 24/02/2025 12:33

Thanks for the apology. I get what you mean and I'm sorry you're going through such difficulties but as someone who has had to tell their child that her dad has died and is never coming back, it is pretty jarring to see people wishing that horrific experience on themselves. I hope you get things sorted.

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I honestly did not mean to offend you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Honestly it wasn’t meant that way I am just so sick of dealing with one thing after another.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:34

RandomUserName96 · 24/02/2025 12:30

Without any more context it is impossible to say whether you are BU.

Why did you want to change it?
How is his relationship with DC?
How old are they?
Why can't he have them more?
Is the primary reason because you would get less maintenance?

I wanted to change it because he is late picking them up every single Sunday by 90minutes at least. I have to have all their uniforms ready and ironed and they have to go to wrap around care when really it is not needed as I can pick them up.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 24/02/2025 12:33

Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:30

Sorry obviously somebody in a loving relationship wouldn’t feel that way but he has put me through hell. It was lighthearted really honestly

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Thanks for the apology. I get what you mean and I'm sorry you're going through such difficulties but as someone who has had to tell their child that her dad has died and is never coming back, it is pretty jarring to see people wishing that horrific experience on themselves. I hope you get things sorted.

Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:30

peachgreen · 24/02/2025 12:27

I don't normally do this, but Jesus, OP, your username is crass.

Sorry obviously somebody in a loving relationship wouldn’t feel that way but he has put me through hell. It was lighthearted really honestly

OP posts:
RandomUserName96 · 24/02/2025 12:30

Without any more context it is impossible to say whether you are BU.

Why did you want to change it?
How is his relationship with DC?
How old are they?
Why can't he have them more?
Is the primary reason because you would get less maintenance?

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/02/2025 12:30

Unless there are other issues, I would be inclined to accept full 50:50 and increase my work hours to cover the reduced maintenance.

Justcallmebebes · 24/02/2025 12:29

I'd agree with him and hold him to it too. There's no way he will want to parent full time 50% of the time

peachgreen · 24/02/2025 12:27

I don't normally do this, but Jesus, OP, your username is crass.

Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:25

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/02/2025 12:20

What's the current arrangement?

It’s just a Sunday at the minute and he drops them back home after a school on a Monday and tuesday

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishiwaswidow · 24/02/2025 12:24

familyissues12345 · 24/02/2025 12:21

What were you changing the days from? Any reason?

I thought it would be fair on everybody to do every other weekend as I work Sunday Monday Tuesday.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 24/02/2025 12:21

What were you changing the days from? Any reason?

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/02/2025 12:20

What's the current arrangement?

watchuswreckthemic · 24/02/2025 12:19

Do you have a court order or place or an informal arrangement?

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