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Original poster

advice on how to decline pressures of attending funeral of family member after past fall out

33 replies

BentleybooandHuntertoo · 24/02/2025 12:15

My partner had a fall out with some of his family a few years ago, without sounding biased towards him , please believe me when I say, he was not the bad guy in this fall out, it was down to a few particular family members being very insensitive and selfish regarding a sensitive issue with other family members, and when my partner disagreed with their behavior/spoke up on it, they turned on him and he has had no contact with them since and we have just kept ourselves to ourselves where they are concerned.

Anyway 5 years on, one of the said family members he has become estranged with has passed away, we have been informed and are being pressured into attending the funeral, I have had a long chat with my partner to see how he feels and he categorically does not want to attend ( I support either way) purely on the basis he has done nothing wrong and has purely stuck to his principles which I respect.
Anyway please refrain from preaching about ‘life too short’ ‘ but its family’ as they really were out of order and have made no attempt to apologize ETC and it has caught a lot of hurt feelings.
I feel its only right we respond to the constant invitations/pressure to attend the funeral, but I feel we can respond with decorum because to be honest we are both decent people and don’t want to stoop to their level of being childish/instigating a slanging match.

I basically want to respond outlining we have not intentions of attending and that we are so hurt by what has happened we simply feel there is no relation/reason there that warrants our attendance (or words to that effect) but do it in a way that makes it clear its not up for argument/debate.

I would appreciate some ideas on how to respond to this.

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 24/02/2025 12:35

Your support is really decent of you.

Can he not co ordinate this himself though?

He and you will walk away feeling much better with a card of condolences to the most appropriate person leading things funeral wise / partner/ child. State in the card how sorry you are for their loss. You are unable to attend the funeral service. You send love and well wishes.

End of. No more communication.

It's decent, it's polite, it's firm, it's not game playing.

No explanation is needed here. Deceased person won't give a shit will they!

AthenaPallas · 24/02/2025 12:31

I think a polite refusal with no explanation would probably be the least stressful thing to do. "We will be unable to attends X's funeral on ...... insert date." And if you're feeling it "sincere condolences to the family". That's it. No more comms on the subject.
Awful situation but totally understand why your husband doesn't want to go. Funerals can be messy affairs, especially with dysfunctional families.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 24/02/2025 12:30

You don't need to make excuses or go into any detail. Just say once more that you won't be attending and it's not up for discussion. Then ignore and don't engage. No can physically drag you to the funeral, just don't go.

Brefugee · 24/02/2025 12:28

you need to have his back on this i think. You have asked him, he doesn't want to go, so you need to support him in this.

How is this pressure manifesting itself? phone calls? "do not call me about this again, if you do i will block your number" and do it (he needs to)
Visits: do not come here again, you are not welcome. Any more visits are harassment and will be reported to the police.

etc etc.
Bottom line he could say: They are dead they don't care if i'm there or not, why do you?. but that opens a dialogue.

Wingedharpy · 24/02/2025 12:27

Any responding should come from DH.

gamerchick · 24/02/2025 12:27

Just ignore it. You dont have to say whether you're going or not.

TheNoonBell · 24/02/2025 12:24

A tough one, maybe just send condolences and state that you are unable to attend.

Saying why you won't go will most likely cause more problems and isn't the right time to open old wounds.

Redrosesposies · 24/02/2025 12:24

Just to clarify, who exactly is pressuring your DH to attend the funeral?
If it is estranged family members, you simply ignore their communication.
If it is other family members who think your DH should let bygones be bygones then he simply says I will not be attending the funeral. He doesn't need to explain or justify his absence. It really is no one else's business.
In fact he really doesn't need to respond at all.

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