advice on how to decline pressures of attending funeral of family member after past fall out

I know someone who is the master of the 'subsequent engagement'. IE the engagement you make up when you don't want to do or need to do something. My friend employed it for the funeral of his brother - his brother was a toxic nasty piece of shit who stole money from my friend and my ILs and who was whacked out of his brains on drugs most of the time and who tried to sell drugs to his own nieces.

'So sorry to hear about the passing of [x]. Sadly we are away at this time / have a hip operation scheduled / will be attending the wedding of a dear friend / cannot attend but hope it goes well to all loved ones'.

Insert excuse of choice.

I wouldn't attend the funeral either; or be drawn into explaining or defending my reasons for not doing so as they should be obvious. I'd just reply as pp said with a simple "thanks for letting us know but we won't be attending." I'd also ignore any pressure to attend.

If he really doesn't want to attend then just send his condolences for their loss and don't go. Emotions tend to run high at funerals and it's probably not the place to try to mend any bridges as the focus will be on the deceased.

I have two 85yo blood relatives and a BIL who I'm VLC with and would probably not wish to attend their funerals either. (Although tbf I'm unlikely to be notified by their other halves as they don't have my current contact details and they will all probably have direct cremations anyway!)

Send a card to the undertaker. Marked "family of X (deceased).

"Condolences of the death of ---, so sorry for your loss.

Mary and Joe."

No need to confirm or deny your attendance. Ignore all that and the flying monkeys (not easy I know).

Never explain. It's your decision and yours only.

Your partner does not want to attend. That is his choice.

I think an email to the main family members that states clearly 'Sorry for your loss. Thank you for the invitation, but we will not be attending. Regards'

And leave it at that. Ignore all further communications.

I had the same issue a few years ago when someone related to my ds passed away and his dad's side wanted ds to attend, aged 3. He didn't want to, and it was completely inappropriate for a small child. The 'one clear statement and then silence' worked, eventually.

Send condolences in a card with apologies that you are unable to attend the funeral. That's it. No further explanation. Don't tell them its because of past hurt they caused you or anything like that, don't engage with that at all.

In estranged families, further explanation often just provides them with fuel for more conflict and you want to avoid that for your partner. Never JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) in this sort of situation. Support your partners decision not to go, he may be finding it difficult even if he puts on a brave face. perhaps do something else with him that day especially if he wants to remember this person quietly in his own way.

We are unable to attend.

No drama, job done.

"Our condolences for your loss. Due to the fractured relationship between ourselves and xyz we will not be attending the funeral. It would be disingenuous on our behalf and take away from what the focus should be. Please respect our decision, we will not be discussing the matter further".

This is essentially what I said when my father died. I didn't go to the funeral.

Just decline the ‘invitation’. I didn’t go to the funeral of the man who called himself my father. We had been estranged for about six months, I just said ‘No, I don’t want to’ when asked by other family members to attend. Absolutely no regrets - there definitely would have been if I’d attended!

Another vote for this response.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, you cannot have a sensible and rational conversation about the deceased's behaviour with someone who is grieving. Now is not the time to try and convince any wider family that your DH is the right in whatever the dispute was with the deceased. People deflect grief and anger into all sorts of peripheral things when they are grieving and your DH does not need the drama in his life of him being their deflection point. And it's not hypocritical to just send a polite card to the grieving person expressing condolences - it's just decent manners about being sorry for what they are going through, even if you don't think they should have sided with the deceased person in the argument.

I think just say “we won’t be attending” and leave it at that. People will know the reason you aren’t attending if they all know about the estrangement anyway. If you get people pushing you further to go say “We won’t be discussing it further, you know our reasons”.

Is it family members you are still close to who are pressuring you to attend? Is it becuase they want DH's support for their own grief?

But surely a simple, "we don't think it would be appropriate for us to attend after what happened. I hope the service goes well and will be thinking of you" (assuming the people pressuring are people you actually do like. Leave the last sentence out if it's other people you're estranged with.)

This - so to help, I’d go and buy the card and get a stamp and write the name and address on and post it - but it needs to be your DH who writes the message.

Say as little as possible & never explain.

We will not be attending Xs funeral.

If you get push back do not elaborate just keep saying - As we preciously informed you we will not be attending Xs funeral.

Surely attending is worse as it’s hypocritical?

This exactly

Your partner does not need to justify his choice to anyone.

A firm 'I will not be attending' is enough and I would not get involved in further discussions about it with relatives after that.

There always will be people who try to tell you how to live your life. The best way is to stick to your own values and decisions and not play along with them.

Why does it have to be so complicated? Just say no, we won't be going and our decision is final. There's no need for chest-beating is there?

Agree simple, short and polite is the best way to go.

"Thank you for letting us know about X's funeral. We will not be attending but of course send condolences for your loss"

Written in a card, by your DH, sent in the post.

simple Text response ‘we will not be attending.’

if they persist - reiterate-‘ as previously stated - we will not be attending’ then I would just ignore any further messages. You have clearly stated your position and it is not up for debate or conversation.

don’t go into details or bring up all the past hurt. Just factually respond you are not going

No one had to go to anyone’s funeral and you don’t need to explain your reasons to anyone.

Say no, no need to get into who was right/wrong. Your husband can say, no we'll not be going.
End of conversation.

Do not provide an explanation. Whether you think your 'explanation' will brook no further discussion, you can guarentee that in this instance, someone will pick it up like a terrier and you'll get no peace.
Just say 'no, we will not be attending'. No explanation, no excuse, no added words

This! Don’t get into the whys and wherefores of the whole thing - no point in bringing up history/recycling old arguments, particularly given that some of the people involved will be grieving. It’s not a time to be point scoring.

a simple card, condolences, and we are unable to attend is all that is needed.