Family holiday

so you want to exclude the family who can only do school holidays? nice

Just say: sorry that doesn't work for us. And they can all go without you?

I couldn't drive myself round the bend accommodating such an immovable force as your mother sounds tbh.

If you and siblings are actually up for a big joint holiday I'd decide your budget per family each. Either equal or 3 kid family pays a little more and then go back to your parents and say - we can each spend this much. If we can't do it for that then we can't and won't go.

Don't make it a maximum budget either. A comfortable budget for each family for flights and accommodation with undisclosed spending / food money. If your mum cannot comprehend that then you're better off weathering that storm at home.

If she bangs on - just come up with a line and stick to it. "Would've been lovely but not able to financially." "Yes it's a shame it's too expensive."
Dig your heels in and don't be brow beaten. Don't accept any guilt. The complications are because she won't capitulate / accommodate reality, not because it couldn't happen.

My mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...

Regardless of who's paying, nobody gets to dictate what IS going to happen, especially with such a large group involved, and I'm afraid this would get my back up too

I might even regard it as a sign of how things would be approached on the holiday, and start thinking of reasons we definitely couldn't go

In theory a family holiday sounds lovely and would create lovely memories especially for the children. Obviously you have to choose a time that suits all of you and also come up with a budget. Then decide the place based on where you can afford. Although I suspect you have already tried to communicate this.

The more you've said about the general dynamic here (your family insisting that you go on holiday with them in the first place, no flexibility on dates and destination, and the fact that they think not being able to afford something is 'being difficult' rather than simply not having the money or wanting to prioritise other things) makes me wonder why you'd even consider going on holiday with them at all!

They sound really difficult and overbearing, and I think you should stand up to them on this. So what if they 'think you're being difficult'? It sounds to me as if you'd benefit from them getting used to you standing up to them.

Sounds like maybe your mum has spent too much time on social media and seen that all her friends go on big family holidays and therefore wants to do the same 😅

I think your mum needs to understand that generally, these big family holidays only happen because either the parents pay for everything, the parents pay for accommodation for everyone leaving only flights to be paid for by each individual family or everyone is in agreement on dates, location and cost.

Good luck - I suspect you'll need it :)

You say this is what we can afford. And stick to it. And you say this is when we can go.
If it doesn't work it doesn't work

In our family we have always gone away in school holidays for big family trips - it used to only suit my sibling as they were the only ones with kids but we sucked it up and now we have kids and they suck it up.

We always go to a villa though that our parents pay for. We just have to pay flights and food when we’re there. Guess it depends on your situation and finances though!

Well she's not wrong. School holidays are expensive.

The only thing you can control is your own reaction. There's nothing wrong with saying "sorry this doesn't work for us, we can't spare the money for a holiday at that price."

Yes but if the youngest is already 5, even if they'd turned 5 in the last 8 weeks the latest they'd be talking about is the Easter holidays. I assumed the OP would mention if the holiday was so soon as that's quite an easy get out clause for them.

And with it being two families either both families have a 5 year old (turned since Jan), or maybe they home school, or maybe one sibling doesn't have kids.

I think you can do it a bit cheaper than others are saying if you rent a big villa/house with a pool depending on where you're going. That's definitely cheaper than doing AI or similar. Would reckon you can do that for around £2-3k per family including flights assuming somewhere like Spain or France.

Also if some are confined to school holidays, it seems a bit churlish to insist on doing it outside. Although from your post on this, it sounds like some are planning to take kids out of school and some aren't.

So she's going to try and bully you into just coming along?

You know what you have to do with bullies?

And this is where you need to stand firm if they try to argue “but you can afford it” you need to say you’ve prioritised your finances in other areas, it’s not within your holiday budget and you’re within your rights not to spend money in amounts that you’re not comfortable with.

School or rather education isn’t complusory until the term after you turn 5.

These sort of holidays always sound good beforehand. Then you get there.
uncle Bob likes to be up and out by 9am
auntie Jane likes a lie in and an hour to set her hair
cousin Phillip will only eat chips

Maybe remind your mum of this lol

Does your Mum actually realise how much it will cost? Can you get her to.price up her chosen holiday so she can see it might be out of reach?

Exactly this.

My household are going on holiday this year. We've picked the date and location that works for us. We've also since extended the invite to our wider families, but there's no discussion about any of it.. they've been invited on our holiday. If they don't want to or can't go then that's fine, we're still going. It's very different to deciding on a family holiday and planning it together.

You can pay it and go, or say no. Maybe your mum will change her mind.

You need to be straight with your parents that despite what they think you can't afford it.

Just because you could afford it doesn’t mean you want to spend the money on it. Technically we could afford much flashier cars, for example, but we don’t want to spend our money in that area, we’d rather save more.

Your mum has suggested a holiday to a specific destination at a specific time. Those of you it doesn't suit just need to say "count us out mum, it's too expensive". She and the sibling with the school age DC can then go ahead if they want to.