Family holiday

Sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster if there is this much dissension before it's even booked.

Wouldn't a UK break be less stressful. We've gone away in a big family group in UK a number of times. Shropshire for example isn't gorgeous and relatively quiet even in the school holidays.

Fuck off and Die?

My parents have done this—however, they did pay for everyone’s flights and hotels, rather than saying, “Well, that’s how much it costs—everyone is paying for themselves.”

@CautiousLurker01 not to de-rail but what is a FOAD villa?

How is she going to force you to come, and pay, if you can't afford it and won't pay?

Have you looked at cruises? You don’t pay extra in school holidays and lots for adults and children to do

I'd drop the rope and stop the "afford" nonsense as that is debatable. Just say "spending xxxx on this is not something we will be doing this year, have a great time" and book your own holiday. Why on earth would you go with people who are so uninterested in your needs/wants and frankly see you as the "difficult one" anyway. Own it. If they complain smile and say "Oh I am sorry, I am always so difficult but that doesn't work for us".

Your mother is being allowed to bully you. Put a stop to it.
Who cares if someone thinks you're being 'difficult'? Just say 'ok' and go about your day.

I agree. Assuming the location is not somewhere special to the whole family/where you’ve all always wanted to go, then unless she is booking a FOAD villa with 10bedrooms in Italy and paying for it herself, then she is going to have to get over herself. And I say this having booked a FOAD 7bed villa for a few extended family holidays in the past which DH and I paid for as his parents were retired and his DSis is on a local govt salary. We wanted the time with them and our kids to have a relationship with them, so we paid. But, even then, we consulted them on the when/where and chose the villa together from a shortlist of 3.

@Aliceinwonder1 your DMum is being unreasonable.

So you give in, and so she keeps doing it. You have 2 choices OP- cough up and go, or say no. Ultimately we can’t do it for you.

If you don't want to spend your money on it then just tell her no

Your Mum could get a few holidays priced up and then you can just decide whether the dates are convenient and whether you can afford it or not. That’s what we do on group holidays.

gite in France for £2679 for first week of summer holidays

villa near Florence, £5289 for the first week of summer holidays

There are loads of places you could all go without paying ££££.

What kind of holiday is it? Because if you are sharing a big house for that many people, there can be savings compared to single family holidays that might mitigate some of the school holiday extra cost. Maybe find something cheaper and tell your parents that’s what you are all doing?

Don't find a holiday and then look at if/how you can afford it, do it the other way around - decide on a budget first and then see what you can find that fits for everyone. Of you can't afford it or don't like the destination, explain to DM, this is our budget and we don't have enough to cover this joint family holiday, we would prefer to go away with just the 4 of us to place X instead.

Also, I think if one family wants to go in the school holidays and not miss school, I don't think that is compatible with 2 families that want to go in term time (and potentially accept a fine).

It's obviously not reasonable to go outside of school holidays if that excludes one family.

I also think it's unreasonable to expect your DM to pay for your holiday.

What I do think is reasonable is an open discussion on your budget for this year's holiday, and explaining that the holiday must sit within that or sadly you will have to decline the invitation.

Once every 2 years, we like to go away with our children and grandchildren. I find a villa that accommodates us all and I book it. I don't ask their opinion but I make sure it's got everything we all want. Then I let them know where and when it is. They can then choose whether they want to come or not (they always do want to!) and then I book their flights. And we pay for the villa and flights - once we're there, we have a kitty. It's our thing and we're lucky to be able to do it. I would never dream of organising a holiday and expect the family to pay. Don't spend money on something you don't want to do. That's crazy. Stand firm.

I understand it might be difficult but I'd be putting my big girl pants on and saying no. If it's a place you wanted to go fine, just give your mum your budget and ask her to make it work.

If it wasn't somewhere we wanted to go i would politely decline or suggest choosing somewhere everyone was happy with.

I've paid thousands to go to a destination wedding before, somewhere I wouldn't have chosen. The wedding was great. The rest of the 10 days were hell. We got stuck with everyone else's kids whilst they drank and sunbathed, there was very little to do inside or outside the hotel complex. I always swore I'd never pay for a holiday we didn't chose again as I've never been so unhappy on holiday.

we had a similar(ish) thing about 8 years ago. MiL 'offered' to take us (and 3 kids) and SiL (and 1 child) on holiday as they'd just had a very large windfall. We gratefully accepted and then goalposts shifted and we were left paying £1000 towards a holiday we'd never have chosen in a location and hotel we'd rather not have been at.

We (back in those days) used to spend around £2000/£2500 on our annual holiday so would much preferred to have put that money towards something we would have enjoyed had we known we'd have ended up paying.

I wish we'd stuck to our guns, so suggest (hypocritically 😂) that you do the same x

we've just been told we'll it's happening you're coming. @Aliceinwonder1

You don't have to do what your mum or anyone tells you, you're an adult with your own family!
Why does your mum think she can still tell you what to do?
Just tell her you can't afford it/don't want to/ doesn't fit with the family plans etc

Edited to add, even if she was paying that doesn't give her the automatic right to dictate or tell you what to do. Crazy!

Could you not show her the cost of the same holiday for the week she wants to go and the week yoj are auggesting everyone goes? Maybe when she sees the difference in price she will change her mind? Maybe she doesnt realise how much more expensive it is in holidays?

don't be a wet lettuce. Just say "it doesn't work for us" like a broken record.

However my mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...I feel that you can only dictate that if paying (we'd all be paying for ourselves) as it would be everyone's holiday.

Agree with this! Your mum needs to pay or compromise. We do a holiday like this every year - we go where we’re told (always UK) as my parents pay for it.

Term time hols often worth it in our school at least, because the savings are so great. Probably wouldn’t do it for secondary school though!

'Mum, we have a budget of £2k all-in for this year's holiday. Flights, accommodation, food, drinks, the lot. If you can find somewhere within that budget we'd love to come, but money's tight at the moment and we're not going into debt for a holiday.'

In my experience, going on holiday with a big group means an awful lot of compromising on what you do, where you go, meal times etc. There are positives — always someone around to talk to, go for a drink with. But also downsides — looking after others' children and not being able to go off exploring on your own being two that spring immediately to mine. No point in spending over the odds on a holiday where you have little control of things and can't ensure you get to do what you want.

OP you said that your Mum said 'it's happening you're coming', why on earth didn't you say at the time,'are you paying then Mum, because if not, we will only be coming if we can afford to do so, and if it fits in with work, other plans, etc?'

Too many people allow themselves to be pushed into a corner by friends and relatives, surely it's got to be better to speak your mind, and say what YOU want, rather than being dictated to by someone with a stronger personality like your Mum?

If others get upset if you decide not to go, and make a big thing of it, just tell them that you won't be dictated to about how you spend your money, and if they don't like it, that's on them, but you won't be forced into doing things that will put your family in a difficult position financially, just to keep other people happy.