Family holiday

You're being wet. Either spend the money and go or say no and be happy with your decision. If there's any attempt at guilt tripping just shut it down. You're adults, nobody can guilt trip you unless you have a reason to feel guilty.

I voted YABU before seeing your updates, purely based on the fact that your initial post specifically mentions the cost being high due to the school holidays. I don't think that's a valid reason at all, families with children in school don't have a choice (or it's unreasonable to expect their kids to miss school), so I wouldn't insist on this.

But I get what you mean in terms of costs though. I wouldn't spend 1000s on a holiday, and they can't decide what you do or don't do with your money.

I would go back to your mum with your budget, and tell her they can either accommodate or go without you.

You mum has three options, in my opinion.

1. insist that everyone joins her on her chosen holiday that she is laying for (obviously that’s still quite controlling but if no underlying issues, most people are glad of a free holiday!)
2. invite everyone on her chosen holiday and accept that some people won’t be able to make it due to cost or any other reason
3. instigate a discussion with everyone about going on holiday and work together to figure out what would work best for everyone

This sounds really stressful. It's a big outlay and everyone concerned needs to be happy about dates, times and costs. If they can't agree then don't do it - it's not worth falling out over.

One option is to find a location and dates that work for all the families and grandkids [climate, costs, facilities etc] and then run it past your mum on a take it or leave it basis. There's no reason your parents can't upgrade to 5 star location within the same resort if that's what they want?

we will be the difficult ones which is fine as we're used to it but can be difficult not to feel bad when it's being piled on by siblings as well as parents.

In this instance, given that you're not the only one unhappy with aspects of it, would the siblings pile on or would they see it as you giving them a way out too?

I'd come back to her with some suggestions of holidays you CAN do on those dates, within your budget - or other dates for the same holiday that come in cheaper. Offer solutions and if they say no then it's them that's making it difficult, not you and you'll be less likely to get grief or feel bad yourself about it.

If you’re going to get piled on by siblings etc too then simply grey rock it when it’s thrown at you. Don’t feed them with excuses or apologies do they can keep digging in, just shut it back down:

“it’s so annoying you couldn’t find the money”
“yes, I know you’re disappointed. Have you booked any excursions?”

“I can’t believe you aren’t coming”
“yes - are you looking forward to it?”

Just deflect and defuse. Failing that maybe go with the “gosh I didn’t realise how much you needed me there to enjoy a holiday, you seem quite stressed by my absence, how flattering!?” “Sister/ Mum you seem quite worried about me not going, are you ok?”

Surely they can’t go on about it forever.

Just say no Mum, it's not happening as it's too expensive and we can't afford it.

Anyway if she's that immovable before you even get there, it sounds like the holiday would be a nightmare anyway.

Why don't you find a holiday that you and your brother would be happy to go on and then invite the others?

£10500 to Turkey??? Wow. Is it a 5 star resort, height of season?

Genuinely interested. I've planned a long haul trip and was freaking out about costs but it's come out as less than this.

I’d go online or call a travel agents ask for a price on the date your mother wants and an on term date for your own family .
Then sit with husband and see if any or both of the costs are doable . Then the next stage is do you actually want to go ?
If the answer is no then don’t .
I wouldn’t be told I was going on holiday , when and at what cost .

I’ve found that difficult people are the first to label others difficult. It’s basically code for “you aren’t doing what I want”. And I’m fine with them thinking I’m “difficult” in that case, embrace the label, spare your back from all the bending over and save your money for a holiday you might have a hope in hell of relaxing on

"I'm getting fed up with being labelled constantly"

Think about that word constantly.
So you are always labelled when you don't fall in with orders, whatever you do.
That's the way she gets you to do things you don't want to do.

You've already been labelled on this. Going along with it won't change that.
So you have nothing to lose.

Have you all ever been away together before now? Do you all get on very well and make allowances for each others differences, especially regarding how the kids are parented/disciplined/bedtimes etc?

I would never go away with my family. I love them all to pieces but we are different creatures and no way would a group holiday work for us. We all know this!

If, and it's a big IF, you decide to go and it's affordable for you, please please make sure you get your OWN accommodation. Bad enough being stuck with a gang all week, but to share a house with say two bathrooms and maybe issues with the allocation of bedrooms is a recipe for disaster. I know it works for some, but reading about your mother's non negotiable decisions and your siblings other needs and wants, I'd swerve.

But really, if you don't want to go in the week/s already demanded by mother, and/or you find affording it difficult then just make your mind up and don't go. Be honest and explain why. There should be no repercussions to this, and if there are, well you know you've made the right decision not to go.

Your mum CANNOT say 'it's happening, you're coming.' She's your mother, not your prison officer, and you aren't fourteen any more, you're a mother in your own right. You can say no. She might well sulk, but if she's that kind of person then going on a big holiday with her is going to be a nightmare anyway.

This type of holiday can only work if you communicate well and get on as a family. If you do, then you should be able to discuss the situation and work out a solution because everyone wants this time together. If you cannot speak openly, why would you even contemplate going, as this would be a nightmare?

If my Mum were to make out that I'M being difficult because I'm not spending my earnings the way SHE wants me, I'd be giving her some home truths.

You sound far too tied up with your mother? So what if she demands you go. If you dont want to just say a firm no thanks.

You're an grown adult with your own family. Nobody "tells you it's happening and you're coming".

If someone is kindly offering to pay for a trip then obviously they can tell you when and where the trip they're offering to pay for will take place.

If you're paying, you either pick a time that works best for everyone, or some of you don't don't go. That simple, end of story 🤷🏻‍♂️

So? Let them. You aren't responsible for how they choose to react. Just tell them when you're willing to go and if your mum is adamant that she wants to go at a different time, let them get on with it. You're being no more difficult than they are.

Do it via budget.
Get everyone to agree a budget per family.
Present it too your mum with dates.
Then tell her to have at it.
Make her find it, so she can blame the lack of holidays.