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Original poster

Should I support driving lessons/written test

39 replies

Waterweight · 24/02/2025 08:41

My father used to drive for a living & my mum spent all our money as a child on getting her first & replacement car - it was a huge priority for her with young kids

I was at high school with older brothers. So in theory would have had exposure to them getting there licences/learning to drive

In reality my parents split. We were poor. The car was hers because of how difficult we were & how much it cost ect. (& She couldn't really drive it well so we would be slowly ferried around in silence rather then being taken out conveniently)

My mother refused to teach/help her eldest to drive because she didn't want him using her car + he had to do the written test & buy the study book himself because it was "affordable" now he was working & my other brother lived & worked via family as a teen so money was allocated for him from her & he had access to her car so the fights about lifts didnt restart a year later + he ultimately got his first car around his birthday so it made sense to gift him his registration fee money

I was left to get on with it failed a few times & never got it in the end

----

she 100% admits this was wrong in big part due to the obvious advantages the middle child had - you can really see the difference - she has no relationship with her eldest for a multitude of reason but obviously no good will from this at all & clearly I can't drive myself so we've had issues about that over the years (why I don't have "the desire to want to learn") + shes anxious what would happen if she needed help or support as I wouldn't be available for that sort of thing now she's older & used to driving

-----

Fast forward 20+ years the kids (grandkids) are now reaching that age but middle child's son will hit it alot earlier - I "know" this is what she wants to do/gift him - his parents are struggling financially right now so it would effectively be a gift for all of them

But she has asked me what I want to contribute gift wise (£50) & refused to say what it's for as she "doesn't know if I'll agree" (which is why I think it's driving related as there was a joke recently about him learning to drive before me & I said "his parents will probably prioritise teaching him/finance him a car" which reminded her of how badly she fucked that up

she also has uneven contact with her grandkids so while would do it for all of them in theory would deffo right now just benefit the oldest who coincidentally comes from a family who's parents both drive/have cars & grandparents all drive & have cars from a similar age

So is this worth supporting or just bail out altogether

OP posts:
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Original poster
Waterweight · 24/02/2025 16:49

To further clarify my own lack of driving was mentioned because it's not like I drive/he should drive or that it's standard for us to teach or help each other learn to drive

This would be something purely for him, which his father also received by our mother who didn't prioritize this with all her kids (but does regret that too be fair)

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterweight · 24/02/2025 16:44

@Heronwatcher deffo not the case with the middle child unable to pay, more that he recieved better help in general & yes the nephew is the oldest which is why it's come up now hence the wondering wether to just go along with it (no issues with nephew at all) or pull out because it's really not our family history & his parents will prioritise this themselves when they're able to rather then needing it as a gift.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 24/02/2025 15:03

Also from the original post it looked like the middle child in the situation was less able to pay (OP says he worked via family), and the current child (the nephew) is the eldest of the grandchildren, so the first to reach an age where driving lessons are appropriate. So not hugely clear that there is any obvious unfairness.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 24/02/2025 13:52

Given your update just put the £50 in a card and move on

Archive · 24/02/2025 13:46

Mrsttcno1 · 24/02/2025 11:58

I don’t understand what the problem is then given that you’ve now said this has nothing to do with the past. You have £50 to give, it’s been suggested it be added to driving lessons, what’s the problem?

Exactly. Surely if you feel it’s still causing you enough hardship that you’re dwelling on it so much, you’d want more for your nephew?

You also can’t blame your mum for your lack of driving decades later. Yes, she should have paid for you all or none of you. But ultimately, if I’ve understood correctly, you went in for your test, failed & gave up. Why not get a driving instructor and give it another whirl?

sanityisamyth · 24/02/2025 13:41

And you don't need to have taken or passed the theory tests before you have lessons.

sanityisamyth · 24/02/2025 13:40

@Waterweight it's not written though? It's two separate tests on a computer. On is clicking mouse buttons when you watch videos of upcoming hazards, and the other is a multiple choice on-screen test.

Mrsttcno1 · 24/02/2025 11:58

I don’t understand what the problem is then given that you’ve now said this has nothing to do with the past. You have £50 to give, it’s been suggested it be added to driving lessons, what’s the problem?

Original poster
Waterweight · 24/02/2025 11:50

sanityisamyth · 24/02/2025 11:16

What is the written test?

The one you sit before you can start driving lessons/go for the practice test

OP posts:
StrawBeretMoose · 24/02/2025 11:25

ExtraOnions · 24/02/2025 10:54

I took 5 driving tests, paid for all lessons myself. All my siblings paid for themselves, which meant none of us were driving until our 20s. We also saved and bought our first cars ourselves - surely this in the “norm”

I’m suprised you felt the need to have your mum apologise, for you not learning to drive.

As for £50 .. most teenagers just want the money, he may choose to spend it on lessons (but seeing these are £40 an hour, he won’t get much)

This poster and all siblings paid for themselves.

The OP’s mum paid for one child to learn to drive.

It sounds like one child was generally treated better than the others and OP still feels this.

The OP’s mum is being odd about the gifts juts swerve that and do a separate gift.

Give the nephew £50 in a card or premium bonds or a voucher for his favourite shop.

Find a driving instructor OP but one who specialises in older or nervous drivers.

sanityisamyth · 24/02/2025 11:16

What is the written test?

sanityisamyth · 24/02/2025 11:14

I don't really understand. Driving is a life skill though. My DS started having lessons aged 10 and is happily driving my 74 plate Puma around on private land. YP should be supported if they want to learn.

Floralnomad · 24/02/2025 11:11

I think you need to get some counselling @Waterweight , there shouldn’t be this amount of angst attached to something that happened so many years ago and the fact that it is now spilling over to affect the next generation is utterly ridiculous . If you want to learn to drive / want any children you have ( if you do) to learn to drive then that is your problem , it is nothing to do with what your mum did when you were 17/18 . Likewise if you have a £50 budget for your nephews birthday then just give him the £50 and what he spends it on is his lookout .

rookiemere · 24/02/2025 10:59

I'm not sure people are reading this correctly- which is fair enough as original post was a bit confusing, OP has subsequently clarified.

OP is not upset about driving lessons not being funded, it's the fact that the money was found for middle DB to learn but not for her or for her older DB.

This favouritism from DM could be repeating itself through the generations by now putting emphasis on her Dgrandson ( son of favoured DS) learning to drive and paying for this, and suggesting OP also pays for it. I can see how that would rankle.

ExtraOnions · 24/02/2025 10:54

I took 5 driving tests, paid for all lessons myself. All my siblings paid for themselves, which meant none of us were driving until our 20s. We also saved and bought our first cars ourselves - surely this in the “norm”

I’m suprised you felt the need to have your mum apologise, for you not learning to drive.

As for £50 .. most teenagers just want the money, he may choose to spend it on lessons (but seeing these are £40 an hour, he won’t get much)

Schoolchoicesucks · 24/02/2025 10:27

Buy nephew your own gift or put £50 in a card.

If you still hold resentment towards your mother that she prioritised your middle brother's driving lessons and not yours or older brother's then don't allow this to be a "joke".

You are now 20 years older so any driving/lack of driving is on you. Yes it is expensive and hard to prioritise with a family but if you live somewhere that driving is essential/greatly beneficial then you have had 20 years in which to do it.

If the driving favouritism is one of many other childhood issues then maybe some therapy would help particularly if you are finding family children becoming of age a trigger.

ViciousCurrentBun · 24/02/2025 09:38

One of the 3 of you was assisted in learning to drive, you have resentment that they had financial help. Overall though the test is done by the individual regardless of how they got there.

Give your nephew the money in the way you want.

You need to learn to drive or make peace with the fact you failed and gave up.

Heronwatcher · 24/02/2025 09:21

Just for reference, I paid for every single driving lesson I took and passed my test THIRD time (the shame, I was young though). I also bought every car myself, paid for insurance, MOT etc. My family weren’t rich and had plenty of other things to cover. I have no issue with this. Most of my friends had exactly the same (one her dad tried to teach her but it ended up with her reversing the family car into a pond).

I think you need to do what you need to do to move on (though TBH I don’t really see that there’s a huge amount to move on with at this point- I assume if you wanted to drive you could have afforded to pay for it yourself by now?). Let your mum buy what she wants for your nephew as long as it’s not class A drugs.

Acc0untant · 24/02/2025 09:16

Waterweight · 24/02/2025 09:14

Just thought I'd try & update this in 1 go

A) sorry for the block test I was trying to get all the background/history & reality upfront but it seems to have just overwhelmed everybody

B) this is not about my driving this is a new generation hence the only experience being in the past - were discussed this in the past & she admits it wasn't the right way to go about things

C) we all love the kids 100% they're just leaving the age of easy gifts & this is something my mother would like to do.

D) nobody's being blamed for anything in the past it's just the history of our family on these sort of things

E) I am aware that not everyone has support/money/help we are in a very different position these days our self

So what's the problem then?

99% of what you've written is irrelevant "family history."

Nephew would like driving lessons... You have £50 to give... Seems easy, no?

Original poster
Waterweight · 24/02/2025 09:14

Just thought I'd try & update this in 1 go

A) sorry for the block test I was trying to get all the background/history & reality upfront but it seems to have just overwhelmed everybody

B) this is not about my driving this is a new generation hence the only experience being in the past - were discussed this in the past & she admits it wasn't the right way to go about things

C) we all love the kids 100% they're just leaving the age of easy gifts & this is something my mother would like to do.

D) nobody's being blamed for anything in the past it's just the history of our family on these sort of things

E) I am aware that not everyone has support/money/help we are in a very different position these days our self

OP posts:
Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 24/02/2025 09:13

Time to move on bab

VainAbigail · 24/02/2025 09:09

his registration fee money

What is this?

The whole post comes across that you begrudge your nephew receiving money to pay for his lessons because it didn’t happen for you. If it bothers you that much, learn to drive now and get your test passed.

PandaCwtch · 24/02/2025 09:08

The post is long and confusing, but I think that you are projecting your own relationship with your mother onto your nephew. If you are willing to give your nephew a £50 gift, just give him £50 in a card.

As for your mother not prioritising teaching you to drive and buying you a car - you seem to be angry about something that isn't necessarily the norm, certainly 20 years ago. I leant to drive just over 20 years ago. I paid for and arranged all my own lessons and test. Neither of my (divorced) parents ever took me out to practice in their car. This was the case for pretty much all of my friends.

Regardless of this, it sounds like your own mother wasn't a good driver, so I don't think her trying to teach you would have been productive. The fact that you haven't learnt to drive in the 20 years since isn't particularly reflective on your mother.

Acc0untant · 24/02/2025 09:07

Pastelhp · 24/02/2025 09:01

Most people I know (including myself) had to fund their own lessons and pass by themselves - I don’t think you can blame your mum for not passing - a lot of families just can’t afford to do that unfortunately. I would just put the £50 towards the lessons

I agree with this. You're unearthing old feelings about not passing your own test but you've had, presumably, decades as an adult to do it since then so you can't place that blame at anyone else's door.

If money towards driving lessons will be well received by your nephew then just do it.. his driving and your lack thereof have nothing to do with each other.

toomanytocount2025 · 24/02/2025 09:06

What on earth 🤯

Op are you just upset because you feel your one sibling was supoorted more and therefore learnt to drive and life has been easier for him?

Is this a case of it's not just about driving for you but how your mum hadn't supported you in life for other things and your just mentioning the driving in this post?

Truthfully I'm really confused.