So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

Your older dc is eligible for universal credit as he is disabled and over 16 and attending school. That will help a bit. It will be his money but you are allowed to use some towards bills and it will cover his clothes and any hobbies he has.

It sounds like you are really struggling. I am in a similar situation, frustrated that I can't work because I have a disabled teen who needs 24 hour care. We use PAs a lot and it has made a really big difference to our ability to get out of the house. Is that something you could ask about? You have to employ and manage them yourself but it isn't as bad as it sounds. We used them for babysitting and for taking my son out and about to do activities like youth club and climbing and cinema.
Feel free to message me if you want more info about Pas.

Op

Your focus needs to be on dc2. It sounds to me like your dh has completely checked out at home, and with the demands of keeping DC1 alive and well, dc2 has nowhere to turn. Don’t you see how much your dh has let down dc2? He could take him out, take him on holiday - show him a life worth living and yet he chooses not and stands by and allows your child to sink to such a low that they wish to take their own life?

Op your family is in crisis; in every sense of the word and your dh is openly abusing you. I suspect you are holding on to him because he is all you have left, I’m not surprised you can’t cope. Please urgently call crisis team, your GP and social services. You need intervention today.

I assume there is no way she could she remain in the house? I think you need specialist legal advice because of the complicated issues regarding your children.

What does he do for a living, is he self employed by any chance or does he have a PAYE job. Someone that callous may do their very best to get out of maintenance.

Another voice to say please change your mindset on what DC2 can achieve. They might not manage GCSE's at the "correct" age, but that does not mean they can't be done later. Nothing is closed to them, it just may take them a little more time. But that is fine, they can still achieve. Just not on the rigid timetable that society imposes through the school system.

So sad and angry for you OP. Your DC are the responsibility of both of you, your H appears to have opted out. Like other posters, I’d have to say you’d probably be in a better position by divorcing him. All credit to you for coping more or less single handedly all these years.

I hope things improve for your DC2 as well regarding their education and MH.

You might be better off divorcing DH. Your kids are dependent and you are the carer. I’m not sure whether he would need to pay maintenance for them, but there is probably something that could be done. He’s such an arsehole. I think you should report him to social services for neglecting their needs (and yours) and see if they can help. You may end up with respite care, funding and potentially placement for your 100% dependent child if you wanted/needed it. That would give you and the other one some space to work on their MH.

Big hugs. I have two teenagers with complex needs. Both in specialist schools thankfully. I work four days a week term time only and although I enjoy the money coming in, the extra demands it places on me are exhausting and as our dc are so limited in what they can do, I sometimes wonder if the stress of work is worth it as we aren’t able to go out or go on holidays, haircuts for dc are too stressful etc.

Your DH sounds financially abusive. I would strongly consider leaving him.

A PP has a good point - every person is entitled to free maths and english GCSEs, and one free access to higher education course that will let them apply to UNi as an adult without A-levels / BTEC. Maybe in a year or two, your second child will feel a bit better and be able to give it another go.

If your husband can just refuse to pay for things, then so can you. He's just as liable for the council tax as you are so honestly, tell him you're not going to pay it any more and he needs to pick it up, and... don't. The council will come after both of you equally if he doesn't pick it up.

For your DC, if home schooling doesn't really work can you find alternative ways to give them some meaning in life and teach life skills? Could you get them into crafts or upcycling and start an Etsy shop for instance? If they're nerdy you could encourage them to try to create niche products for a specific audience they can reach? It won't feel like a formal education but it might be a way to improve mental health and get them engaged with life again?

I think the answer is divorce and maintenence. The man isn't providing for his family in money OR support, there’s literally no point him being there. Make him provide by law.

But I know that’s easy to say. I imagine you feel you don’t have the energy or headspace to even start thinking about it.

The others have it covered but just wanted to say please don’t assume your dc2 is never going to be able to sit GCSES, do a levels or even access university as an adult in later life because they can’t access school right now. They sound very much like me at that age and I missed a lot of school but I was able to go back as an adult and sit my A levels and was offered places at several very good universities. In the end I decided not to go for many reasons (mainly due to my main carer becoming terminally ill) but I could have done it. Just because they are struggling now doesn’t mean they always will (and I say that as the parent of a child with very complex needs who will always need support too).

I am also of the mind that leaving dh would actually make you feel less shit.

But otherwise op it is tough and it is OK to feel this isn't what you expected out of life.

I know respite is incredibly challenging to get so I actually think you must have fought hard and done well to get 6 hours.

The only thing I would say is don't lose hope with the ds with mental health issues. Over time people can and do improve.

So then your husband stays at home with the DC while you go to the hairdressers?

That would be the normal solution in a none abusive home.

Financial abuse, of you all, should be reason enough to split. It sounds as though you haven't got a relationship anyway. Have you ever done a benefit comparison as a single parent? Is your DH accumulating savings?

But your DC2 MH issues are being exacerbated by having to live in a home with two people who don't lobe each other, watching his DM be financially abused to the point she can't afford a cheap haircut.

If you stay with your bastard of a husband you will be teaching them that life is indeed something to just suffer through. Get out for their sakes if not your own.

I would speak to a divorce lawyer. You would be better off financially if you divorced. Your husband has put you in an untenable financial situation.

So you're paying for more than your husband? He works ft (presumably) and then sits back to watch the car insurance get paid from his children's benefits?

Not even having the money for a haircut IS struggling op. That is so so sad.

Divorce him.

There is a legal method to force a man to provide for his wife. It isn't much used these days, as most people just divorce, but I know my divorce solicitor had used it occasionally in situations such as yours. I'm afraid I don't know the details, but I think it does still exist.

Spousal maintenance on divorce also still exists in some cases where one spouse cannot reasonably be expected to go out to work due to circumstances.

Contact someone like citizens advice or women's aid to see if there is a way to financially improve your situation.

What is going to happen to DC1 when you both die? Assisted living? Can DC 1 move into assisted living now?

If you split up he’d have to pay CM.

He sounds horrible.

There might be a carers centre in your locality. They can offer different types of support.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Poor you op. This sounds miserable.

Can ds2 study at home and sit GCSE's at all, without a school?