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Original poster

So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

160 replies

Outchy · 24/02/2025 07:35

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:50

Find the email address for the legal team in the council and send a letter before action. If you tell me what council it is I can try to find an email address.
Hang on. Will find a template letter before action .

OriginalUsername2 · 24/02/2025 08:49

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:41

He has an EHCP (draft only) but they cannot finalise as there is no school which has place. LA is stalling. Sendiass isn't of much help tbh and just told me to keep chasing and suggested a formal complaint. But I don't want that as the LA then has 20 days to respond. Then they do not respond so you escalate to stage 2 and it's goes on and on like that. I need a finalised plan so I can appeal the setting if not happy but I cannot get hold of anyone. They don't pick up the phone and don't reply to emails.

Edited
Show quote history

Do you have an address you can send a recorded delivery letter to? I’ve found this sometimes gets things moving in life.

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:49

Sorry I meant the marrharhon thing as an uplifting , don't worry he still has lots of time to get himself sorted, not as a "he shouldn't be in school". If he is ready then absolutely push for it.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:48

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:46

It is illegal for them to not finalise the ehcp as it stops you from forcing them to tribunal. Ask them to issue it with no placement and just put "specialiat setting" on it and then you can start a tribunal wiithout having to go to that thing where you chat to them to see if you can find a resolution without a tribunal. The council are screwed as they have put themselves in a really stupid situation if they can't name a school place.
Then you can force a school to go over numbers and accept your child at tribunal, the council can't do this but you can.

I have emailed them so many times asking them to finalise. They ignore me. I don't know how to get them to finalise in the first place. How do I force their hand?

OP posts:
Catza · 24/02/2025 08:48

Outchy · 24/02/2025 07:52

But he won't. I cannot force him to give me access to his money. That's the simple and hard truth.

Show quote history

Then you need to divorce him, sell the house and split equity and get some child maintenance from him. You are married so all your finances are shared asset.
While you can't force him to give you access to his account, he also can't force you to contribute 50% to the household bills. Just don't give him any money and only pay for yours and your kid's food.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:46

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:46

What area are you in?

North West, close to Manchester.

OP posts:
EsmeSusanOgg · 24/02/2025 08:46

Can you enroll your youngest in some GCSEs privately, and help him at home? Or is that not practical?

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:46

It is illegal for them to not finalise the ehcp as it stops you from forcing them to tribunal. Ask them to issue it with no placement and just put "specialiat setting" on it and then you can start a tribunal wiithout having to go to that thing where you chat to them to see if you can find a resolution without a tribunal. The council are screwed as they have put themselves in a really stupid situation if they can't name a school place.
Then you can force a school to go over numbers and accept your child at tribunal, the council can't do this but you can.

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:46

What area are you in?

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:45

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:43

Op have you asked about local colleges? Ours have set up a part time school for dc just like yours. To sit exams, get support, take on new courses. They have been set up all over the country after the pandemic and are fully funded. Your son will be other dc that have found it tough. It’s heavily supervised with counsellors, coaches and well being staff.

the LA is incommunicado. I cannot ask anyone about anything and when I ring schools etc myself, I keep getting told I need to go through the EHCP team. it's a ridiculous catch 22.

OP posts:
Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:45

Something like this would be perfect for your son:

www.sgscol.ac.uk/study/gcse/gcse-plus-all-subjects

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:44

You wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon if they had broken their leg. So someone can't do a full set of GCSEs when they are recovering from a mental health crisis. He needs time to rest and recover and then he can go return to college and get what he needs.

I fully understand that. However, he wants to be in school. he is absolutely desperate. Very unhappy at home all day being completely isolated. There are schools which would be great but no space. Keeping him at home isolated like that any longer is making things worse for him, not better. It's difficult to understand without knowing the individual child. I know some children need a proper time out. But it's not working for him.

OP posts:
Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:43

Op have you asked about local colleges? Ours have set up a part time school for dc just like yours. To sit exams, get support, take on new courses. They have been set up all over the country after the pandemic and are fully funded. Your son will be other dc that have found it tough. It’s heavily supervised with counsellors, coaches and well being staff.

Goodnurseorgremlin · 24/02/2025 08:43

Also your husband will doubtless have a small fortune hidden away. He's earning 45k (probably more because he clearly isn't open with his finances) and you're covering more bills. If you're living so frugally then he's saving for himself.

He's financially abusing you and ruining all your lives. Why aren't you angry? You sound so utterly passive and accepting of his horrific treatment of you all

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 24/02/2025 08:42

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:41

He has an EHCP (draft only) but they cannot finalise as there is no school which has place. LA is stalling. Sendiass isn't of much help tbh and just told me to keep chasing and suggested a formal complaint. But I don't want that as the LA then has 20 days to respond. Then they do not respond so you escalate to stage 2 and it's goes on and on like that. I need a finalised plan so I can appeal the setting if not happy but I cannot get hold of anyone. They don't pick up the phone and don't reply to emails.

Edited
Show quote history

Get your MP involved.

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:41

I agree with the other posters. Your husband is financially abusive. He should be paying all the bills because he is the one who is working.

Your younger son still has all the opportunities that he had before he left school. There is just a slightly different pathway to get there. He needs to learn how to look after his mental health and wellbeing and what his limits are and to work within those. then as he becomes more confident in his abilities and limits, he will be able to study and /or get a job and do all the things that he wants to. Taking a break from school is not the end of the world. Just a temporary pause. I find it helpful to think about mental health more like a physical injury
You wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon if they had broken their leg. So someone can't do a full set of GCSEs when they are recovering from a mental health crisis. He needs time to rest and recover and then he can go return to college and get what he needs.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:41

Cloudberry24 · 24/02/2025 08:37

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/education-health-and-care-plans and try your local SENDIASS service https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass-home/
Every local authority has to have one.
Once your youngest has an EHCP a local school has to offer a place. In the meantime your local authority has to provide home tuition.
Sorry you are going through this.

Show quote history

He has an EHCP (draft only) but they cannot finalise as there is no school which has place. LA is stalling. Sendiass isn't of much help tbh and just told me to keep chasing and suggested a formal complaint. But I don't want that as the LA then has 20 days to respond. Then they do not respond so you escalate to stage 2 and it's goes on and on like that. I need a finalised plan so I can appeal the setting if not happy but I cannot get hold of anyone. They don't pick up the phone and don't reply to emails.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 24/02/2025 08:40

No specialist advice except I hope you are in touch with your own GP. Very rational to be depressed about the situation but however rational it is, you do sound depressed. Even I your GP has been hopeless in the past, I would try again.

Goodnurseorgremlin · 24/02/2025 08:40

You're married. It's not your husbands house at all. No matter how much he might tell you it is.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 24/02/2025 08:38

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:33

he is employed. salary ok but not enough for spousal maintenance or to maintain two households esp if there 3 three people who cannot contribute. I think it's about 45k but I actually don't know for sure. But somewhere in this ballpark. He wouldn't move out as it's also his house. He would never pay rent of he can live in a house that has been paid off (it's just a 3 bed terraced in a cheap area locally, nothing fancy but still).

OP you need to see a solicitor. If you divorce the marital assets will be split and he won’t have a choice. And 45k is plenty to be providing for his children. He’s financially abusing you and denying his children access to benefits that are meant to be targeted at them, not household bills.

SnoopysHoose · 24/02/2025 08:38

Your DH has a salary of £45k yet you're footing 50% of the bills from your children's benefits?
Christ he's a cunt.
Get rid.

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:38

Can I say how much I admire your strength and fortitude op, but everyone has a breaking point, and you are battling on alone because what choice do you have? You are beginning to sound almost disassociated, almost certainly due to the pressure.

You have MN community here for you. We are holding your hand, and can see how incredibly difficult this all is for you at the moment. Ask for help today.

Cloudberry24 · 24/02/2025 08:37

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:06

He needs a school setting. his MH is poor but he is desperate to be in school. he struggles hugely with self motivation so leaving him behind a laptop to study for GCSEs is a non starter

Show quote history

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/education-health-and-care-plans and try your local SENDIASS service https://www.kids.org.uk/sendiass-home/
Every local authority has to have one.
Once your youngest has an EHCP a local school has to offer a place. In the meantime your local authority has to provide home tuition.
Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:35

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:33

Your older dc is eligible for universal credit as he is disabled and over 16 and attending school. That will help a bit. It will be his money but you are allowed to use some towards bills and it will cover his clothes and any hobbies he has.

It sounds like you are really struggling. I am in a similar situation, frustrated that I can't work because I have a disabled teen who needs 24 hour care. We use PAs a lot and it has made a really big difference to our ability to get out of the house. Is that something you could ask about? You have to employ and manage them yourself but it isn't as bad as it sounds. We used them for babysitting and for taking my son out and about to do activities like youth club and climbing and cinema.
Feel free to message me if you want more info about Pas.

we get PAs as part of our respite package but it's 3h every fortnight. and it's not free time for me as I have a second child with complex needs so I use the time to take DC2 out. I couldn't afford a private PA as I use the PIP money to help cover the household bills due to lack of income.

Got benefits advice and told older DC cannot get UC. Cannot remember the ins and outs but it was clearly a no. I get PIP and child benefit for them only.

OP posts:
Vladandnikki · 24/02/2025 08:35

I have no advice but it's another vote here for trying not to worry about the GCSEs, they really aren't the be all and end all. OH has no gcse's or A levels but did a degree as a mature student, and a masters. Life is not a straight line. Hugs to you.