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Original poster

So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

160 replies

Outchy · 24/02/2025 07:35

I am really struggling with how my life turned out. I have two teens. Both have complex needs. One will need lifelong 24/7 care, one could have been something (extremely bright) but due to a complete let down by Camhs and education, they are now at home, suicidal and without a school place (no places in the radius of 90 mins drive) and unable to sit GCSEs (and therefore no A-level/further education either). both will be a lifelong strain on the system. I studied hard at school and uni and got a good degree but had to give yo work to care for DC1 many years ago and only managed some low paid part time roles. My time is now mainly spend with caring for DC1 when not at college and being at home all day with DC2 as I cannot leave him alone for too long due to poor MH. I am not getting on with H. He is just going to work and ignoring me largely. Financially, it's not great for me either as I only have access to carers allowance, PIP and DLA for the DC and child benefit but need to cover 50% of the household expenses (we don't pool the money, H is refusing). I am just so hopeless and frustrated and don't know what the point is. I want DC2 in school but no places are available (LA stalling the finalisation of the EHCP and aren't responding to emails). I want more support for DC1 so I can get a break. I want to return to work full time to rebuild my career so I am financially independent - only 50 and still have a long time to go until retirement. But instead, I am trapped into caring every waking hour. Because the DC need so much support and H is not part of the team, I cannot see friends. In fact, I don't have any friends left. I don't have siblings and my parents are not around anymore. There is noone.

I just want a life. I cannot be the only one who deals with all these things. Some people shoulder a lot more but I am reaching a point where I feel I cannot go on much further. What is the whole point. I get joy out of nothing. This is not the life I wanted, not for myself but especially so sad about DC2 (who could have been something provided he had an education) but even that won't happen. Fighting the system is pointless. I am completely worn down by it.

I really need to pick myself up but I don't know how.

OP posts:
Cloudberry24 · 24/02/2025 09:18

purplepandas · 24/02/2025 09:11

I know that you are not keen to complain to the LA atm and I absolutely get the overwhelm of that (have a complaint with the ombudsman currrently as they are beyond awful), but have you thought about a PAP letter re lack of education? Or timelines on the ECHP (mine was 58 weeks, we all know it should be 20). The PAP project is good https://sossen.org.uk/applying-for-a-pre-action-protocol-letter/

It's tough and I hear you. Sorry that sendiass are not helpful, I think it is hit and miss. I totally hear you on the LA radio silence, it's absolutely deafening.

58 weeks! It’s appalling. Every week I get emails from agencies offering £250 a day as a remote EHCP writer - local authorities are outsourcing the work. OP, tell the local authority that if there are no local places your DS will need to attend a specialist independent school with fees and transport funded by them.

ShinyClouds · 24/02/2025 09:17

It sounds bloody awful @Outchy . But you have the power to change it.

Ring a solicitor today and make an appointment for advice about what you’d be entitled to if you split. It doesn’t mean you have to do it, but at least you’ll be armed with that knowledge.

verycloakanddaggers · 24/02/2025 09:16

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:48

I have emailed them so many times asking them to finalise. They ignore me. I don't know how to get them to finalise in the first place. How do I force their hand?

Show quote history

Go to your local councillor and your MP.

LemonFish · 24/02/2025 09:14

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:35

we get PAs as part of our respite package but it's 3h every fortnight. and it's not free time for me as I have a second child with complex needs so I use the time to take DC2 out. I couldn't afford a private PA as I use the PIP money to help cover the household bills due to lack of income.

Got benefits advice and told older DC cannot get UC. Cannot remember the ins and outs but it was clearly a no. I get PIP and child benefit for them only.

Edited
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No OP. You have enough income as a family - if your husband wasn't been financially abusive

Millyjanice · 24/02/2025 09:14

Your DH is being abusive,OP.

I agree with other posters that you’d be better off divorcing him.
Does he have other assets, like pension/ savings / shares / other property etc ? Quietly get details of such if he has them.Do not mention divorce to him until you have these details ( so he doesn’t hide them).These are all marital assets if he acquired them during the marriage.

You do realise that half of all marital assets including the house would be yours if you divorced ? There is no “his money” just because he works. It’s all family money and he’s denying you and his own dc from accessing it.

The benefits such as PIP are not intended for household bills. They are for improving your dc lifestyle.

You can contact Women’s Aid for advice and support.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Also, Rights of Women for free legal advice
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

verycloakanddaggers · 24/02/2025 09:14

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:44

You wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon if they had broken their leg. So someone can't do a full set of GCSEs when they are recovering from a mental health crisis. He needs time to rest and recover and then he can go return to college and get what he needs.

I fully understand that. However, he wants to be in school. he is absolutely desperate. Very unhappy at home all day being completely isolated. There are schools which would be great but no space. Keeping him at home isolated like that any longer is making things worse for him, not better. It's difficult to understand without knowing the individual child. I know some children need a proper time out. But it's not working for him.

There are home education groups with other teens. You could help him access these while the school situation is resolved. He could study for a single GCSE in a private capacity to give him something to focus on perhaps.

As someone out of school he is higher priority than someone seeking a transfer. What waiting list is he on, what position is he on the list?

There are college options for those 16+ with no qualifications.

Your situation sounds very upsetting, I don't say this lightly but a divorce could be needed. You are being financially abused. Speak to a solicitor or relevant charity for advice.

purplepandas · 24/02/2025 09:11

I know that you are not keen to complain to the LA atm and I absolutely get the overwhelm of that (have a complaint with the ombudsman currrently as they are beyond awful), but have you thought about a PAP letter re lack of education? Or timelines on the ECHP (mine was 58 weeks, we all know it should be 20). The PAP project is good https://sossen.org.uk/applying-for-a-pre-action-protocol-letter/

It's tough and I hear you. Sorry that sendiass are not helpful, I think it is hit and miss. I totally hear you on the LA radio silence, it's absolutely deafening.

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 09:09

How much support is your dc2 getting with their MH?
That is imperative. Know this isn’t your fault, if an impossible situation but there is hope. Your dc2 needs to know there is an amazing life beyond the four walls, that you and him are going to find a road out of this and he has every chance of a happy life. What feels impossible now will be seen as a passing stage in 20 years time.

Are you having counselling op? You can’t pour from an empty jug.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 24/02/2025 09:09

What a horrible selfish bastard your husband is. Is he a decent earner with a good pension? You would be better off divorcing him if so, then you'll likely have the house as carer to the kids, the benefits you get already, some UC to help too you up and towards the house costs, then maintenance and some of his pension. As you say, he's not part of the team anyway.

Cloudberry24 · 24/02/2025 09:09

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:44

You wouldn't expect someone to run a marathon if they had broken their leg. So someone can't do a full set of GCSEs when they are recovering from a mental health crisis. He needs time to rest and recover and then he can go return to college and get what he needs.

I fully understand that. However, he wants to be in school. he is absolutely desperate. Very unhappy at home all day being completely isolated. There are schools which would be great but no space. Keeping him at home isolated like that any longer is making things worse for him, not better. It's difficult to understand without knowing the individual child. I know some children need a proper time out. But it's not working for him.

The local authority must approach schools and they have 20 days to respond. The Children and Families Act 2014 requires schools to admit children with an EHCP. This is not an oversubscription criterion, so schools must admit these children even if they don't have any places available. The local authority must consult with the school before naming it in an EHCP. If the school says it can't support the child, the local authority can still name it. The Secretary of State for Education can direct a school to provide a place. The local authority knows this. Let them know you know this.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 09:06

Also thank you for all the chin up messages that show that not doing GCSEs on the conventional route is the end but that there are alternatives. I really needed to hear that.

OP posts:
Devon24 · 24/02/2025 09:05

This is a great thread, full of so much information and support. 💪🏻

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 09:04

Outchy · 24/02/2025 09:00

Thanks Devon, that is really useful!

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Yes there are so many like this!!

My friends dd ( similar position to your ds) has utterly thrived in her college, she has a huge group of like minded friends now, she loves the support (her father died, mother has cancer and her life fell apart and she became suicidal - also a bright girl) she is now sitting her GCSEs and loves the staff. She has a clear pathway as she has already seen the next college course she would like to do.

Op, I am sorry you have been through so much, but enrolling your son onto something like this could be a huge breakthrough for all of you.

Cloudberry24 · 24/02/2025 09:02

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:48

I have emailed them so many times asking them to finalise. They ignore me. I don't know how to get them to finalise in the first place. How do I force their hand?

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Tell them by recorded letter you will be taking them to a SEND tribunal. Ping off an email to your MP today and tell them it’s gone over the statutory 20 weeks. Do the official complaint even if it does take 20 days. Use the IPSEA template letter.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 09:01

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:53

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/letter-when-a-local-authority-does-not-send-a-draft-or-final-education-health-and-care-plan-on-time-template-letter-10

Send this to the director of childrens services and the legal team.

Edited

Thanks so much. will do. This is not the same as a pre-action protocol letter though, is it?

OP posts:
Devon24 · 24/02/2025 09:01

Your MP can help with so much of this. Please contact them directly by email or phone and request a meeting.

Shambles123 · 24/02/2025 09:00

Outchy · 24/02/2025 07:52

But he won't. I cannot force him to give me access to his money. That's the simple and hard truth.

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You can if you divorce him.

Original poster
Outchy · 24/02/2025 09:00

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:55

This one looks excellent and geared towards your son’s needs:

trafford.tscg.ac.uk/college-16-18/a-levels-gcse-programme/gcse-programme/

Thanks Devon, that is really useful!

OP posts:
Frowningprovidence · 24/02/2025 08:57

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:53

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/letter-when-a-local-authority-does-not-send-a-draft-or-final-education-health-and-care-plan-on-time-template-letter-10

Send this to the director of childrens services and the legal team.

Edited

This is the best advice.

But op, I am sure you will now follow this. But I really think you actually need a big hug. This thread must ne a tough read when you are low already.

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:55

This one looks excellent and geared towards your son’s needs:

trafford.tscg.ac.uk/college-16-18/a-levels-gcse-programme/gcse-programme/

Cloudberry24 · 24/02/2025 08:55

Outchy · 24/02/2025 08:41

He has an EHCP (draft only) but they cannot finalise as there is no school which has place. LA is stalling. Sendiass isn't of much help tbh and just told me to keep chasing and suggested a formal complaint. But I don't want that as the LA then has 20 days to respond. Then they do not respond so you escalate to stage 2 and it's goes on and on like that. I need a finalised plan so I can appeal the setting if not happy but I cannot get hold of anyone. They don't pick up the phone and don't reply to emails.

Edited
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How frustrating - can you try IPSEA? Schools have to go over PAN for a child with an EHCP. Don’t offer to home educate because the local authority will rescind the EHCP and your DS will need it for college. Insist on home tuition and contact your MP for support. The local authority will have to pay for transport to the nearest school if they can’t find one nearby. I know it’s extremely stressful but your child is entitled to an education.

Devon24 · 24/02/2025 08:54

Would this work op?

www.abbeymanchester.co.uk/college-courses/gcses/

Geneticsbunny · 24/02/2025 08:53

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/letter-when-a-local-authority-does-not-send-a-draft-or-final-education-health-and-care-plan-on-time-template-letter-10

Send this to the director of childrens services and the legal team.

5128gap · 24/02/2025 08:52

You are being financially abused and domestically exploited by your husband. You have tremendous challenges but these are being made much much worse by the way you're being treated in your marriage. If you were a single parent then your Hs fair contribution to your children could be legally enforced, financially at least. He may also agree to contact arrangements that would give you a break. Meanwhile, I'd advise you to research every single avenue for support, if not statutory then through charities.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 24/02/2025 08:52

I'm sorry, that sounds really tough. DH on 45 k with no mortgage could pay for a private tutor whilst you wait for a place for DC2 at least that way he could interact with someone outside the family and feel a bit more hopeful about his future.