So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

I'm pretty sure he will pay the mortgage and the bills for the house that he lives in. Your his wife, he can't sue you for 50%, you are considered a joint financial entity in the eyes of the law.

But the simplest way you can make him give you access to his money is to divorce him frankly.

If your DH is salaried rather than self-employed, divorce him and go after child support for your DC. You will get access to some of his money as a lump sum of your joint marital assets, ongoing percentage of his salary for the DCs and most likely the house due to the DC's needs. What an utter bastard he is to you.

Alternatively tell him you are struggling for money and that if he is not going to share his earnings with you then you will go back to work and he will have to fund 50% of the care the DC need which will have to be bought in. Right now he is saving a fortune by making you the family slave without pay. He is leveraging your love for your children to screw you over basically.

@Cloudberry24 that doesn’t mean it has to be home tuition though. The LA has a duty to ensure DC receive a suitable full-time education. That doesn’t mean it has to be home tuition. Alternative provision can come in many forms as long as it is suitable.

Do you cook for your DH and do his laundry? If so, stop doing this. You say that you DH wouldn't move out, but you can treat him as though you are separated and do absolutely nothing for him. The money you receive is meant for your children not for him. This is financial abuse and I would consult a charity like Women's Aid.

Section 19 of the Education Act 1996 states that "Each local education authority shall make arrangements for the provision of suitable education at school or otherwise than at school for those children of compulsory school age who, by reason of illness, exclusion from school or otherwise, may not for any period receive suitable education unless such arrangements are made for them." Not finalising the EHCP falls under “or otherwise.”

Wife can apply for financial provision under section 27 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 if the husband is wilfully neglecting to support her. But as the PP mentioned most financial disputes are resolved through divorce or separation agreements. Best to speak to a family law solicitor.

First of all please be kind to yourself. Your feelings in this situation are totally understandable - many people in your situation would feel hopeless, trapped and suicidal. But you deserve a happier life. And I am going to be brutally honest and say if you did commit suicide it is likely by the sounds of it that DC2 would and DC1 would end up in any old care home with a space regardless of quality and I doubt your husband would advocate for him.

So you need to make some logical choices here to make YOU happier for both your children’s sakes.

If you are not already on an antidepressant get yourself on one! But this is situational and you need to CHANGE this situation for your and your DCs benefit. This is life or death for 2 of you - it cannot go on!

I think DC1 needs to go in full time care. You may need to explain you are suicidal, DC2 is suicidal and your husband abusive before you get this help. Try to get him in the best home you can but you may have to take a place that isn’t perfect and then plan to change it later if it doesn’t work for your family. This needs to happen soon.

Plan to move close to a school for DC2. Plan to leave your husband at the same time. I think you and DC2 will both be happier together without husband and the caring responsibilities of DC1

Once moved house and DC2 more settled get yourself back to work. Then when happier turn your attention back to DC1 and see if his care needs adjusting.

But first you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself! You cannot save any of your DC is you are very unwell or dead.

Take care x

It's not the end. I understand how you feel though as I've been there.

DS2 didn't get any GCSEs as he school refused for a long time (ASD) and we didn't get the specialist unit place we fought for. He did go to college though and managed to get an NVQ qualification, since then he's been on a supported employment programme through the college. There's a way to go yet but things are brighter and I got a job that allows me to WFH part of the week.

I know it seems bleak right now but there will be a way through. As others have said your most immediate problem is your husband.

Wishing you all the best.

I also wanted to add please don’t give up on DC2. A good friend went through a horrendous time with their teen, numerous suicide attempts ( really serious such as throwing themselves off a building) but they survived, got better and now at 19 have started a degree and have friends and is living independently.

https://www.kingstrust.org.uk/about-us/qualifications

Have a look xxx

Maybe look into the Prince's Trust? (Well, King's Trust now). They run outreach programmes and initiatives for young people who have dropped out of school (often due to mental health problems) and help them achieve GCSEs with tons of support. They also offer college level qualifications to people with no GCSEs.

Life can be relentless in your situation, feelings like you're trapped on an endless cycle of sameness.

You'll have plenty of good advice here, hopeful there is a solution for you too.

But it isn’t his money, you are married, it belongs to both of you whether he likes that or not.
You really need to take advice from a family law solicitor so you understand your rights and can plan accordingly. Most initial appointments are free.

As others have said, there are so smany other options that don't mean GCSEs. When i mentioned online courses this is because we found a family friends child a 2 week taster in landscape gardening as he was a school refuser but was cutting our grass and weeding for us as a bit of cash. It spurred him on to set up his own gardening business and he is doing brilliantly now.

Leave him. Claim UC until such a time as you can go back to work.

Your DS2… it’s not over for him. He ‘could have been something’ - he IS something! There are other routes than GCSEs at 16, he can take them late, take them privately (once you’ve sorted the money side of things and got rid of DH), he can do some alongside a college course etc. He is so young, his life isn’t over.

The majority of your problems stem from DH, from what you write. It’s hard being a parent to DC with complex needs, but DH is making the whole situation worse rather than better.

I was going to say the same as this.

Don't give up hope about dc2. You're doing the right thing, all you can do is keep him safe now and get him through this time. His brain is still developing, but don't give up hope, it's never too late to do GCSEs etc and he can and will still have a fulfilling and independent life in future ❤️

I cannot advise on much but is your younger child interested and able to study right now? If so perhaps take a look at MOOCS or other free online learning short courses just to see if anything sparks his imagination and keeps his brain active whilst you wait for a school place. They're so varied he may find something totally different which just provides a bit of stimulation and escape. You might also find something for you to do too..Best of luck x

Sorry that you are going through all this OP. My dd2 sounds very similar to your dc2. Has had no full time education for 1 year now due to autistic burnout and is now at home with very poor mental health. She should be doing her GCSE’s too. Awaiting a draft EHCP which I have had to fight for. Very let down by LA and Camhs. Also in the north west area/south Manchester. We are definitely struggling for SEN SEMH schools around here! Who is your LA? We are in Trafford

You can force him via a divorce. Get as much information regarding ‘his’ finances as possible. Get a solicitor to freeze his accounts etc.

It’s not ‘his’ money he’ll learn that the hard way. Do it now while you are still only 50.

DH is behaving appallingly.

This needs breaking down into sections.

DC2

The EHCP can be finalised without a school. Either with section I blank (for EOTAS/EOTIS) or with a type of placement named.

If the LA has breached the statutory timescale of finalised within 20 weeks, send the relevant model letter from IPSEA’s website to the Director of Children’s Services. If that doesn’t work, you need a pre-action letter. SOSSSEN can help with this for free, but there is a wait, so you might want to look elsewhere. If the pre-action letter fails, judicial review proceedings will. This route to enforcement is better because the normal timescales of the complaints process take too long, so you wouldn’t want to go down that route because it isn’t a suitable remedy.

Are the schools you think would be great wholly independent? If not, claiming to be ‘full’ isn’t enough on its own to refuse a place.

For non-wholly independent schools, the LA must name your preference unless the LA can prove:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.
Being full is not defined in law, and on its own being ‘full’ is not enough of a reason to refuse to name your preference. The LA has to prove the school is so full admitting DS is incompatible. There is a point LAs can do this, but the bar is higher than many LAs and schools admit. Unless the school is wholly independent, the LA can, and must, name the school regardless of the school’s objections unless the LA can prove one of the reasons above.

You only need an offer from a wholly independent school.

Schools have to be consulted as part of the EHCP process and the LA should give them at least 15 days to respond, not 20 as a pp posted.

Have you considered EOTAS/EOTIS? This is not EHE. DS does not need to be sat at home alone with a laptop.

In the meantime, if DC2 cannot attend school, under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. The LA doesn’t have to provide home tutoring as a pp posted, but they do have to provide a suitable full-time education. That can come in many forms.

Has DC2 had a social care assessment?

DC1
DC1 needs an updated social care assessment. Does DC1 have an EHCP? Is it good enough, including covering PfA provision? If DC1’s needs are complex, have you considered if he would be eligible for children’s continuing care/adult CHC funding (depending on his age)?

You
You need a carer’s assessment. Or an updated one if you have already had one.

Benefits
If you are not eligible for UC, DH’s income must be higher than £45k or you have savings over £16k.

The rules around disabled young people in education claiming UC are complex. Some benefit advisors give incorrect information surrounding this point. Contact is a good source of information. See their leaflet here and website here. As a teen in full time education, he will not be eligible for UC unless LCW/LCWRA was established prior to the beginning of the course. However, you should make a credits only NEW Style ESA claim in order to establish LCWRA.

Council tax
Is DC1 18 yet? If so, you can be disregarded for council tax purposes as a carer. So you would be disregarded as a carer, DC1 would be exempt as a full time student, DC2 would be exempt as a child. This would leave only DH eligible to pay council tax, thus the household would be eligible for a 25% single person discount.

That sounds so difficult. 💐💐💐💐

Depending on your own household income (ie your dhs income and yours) it may be worth looking into UC for any of your children that are over 16. The rules are slightly different for dc with SEN and claiming in their own right may work out better for you then child benefit. Check you are receiving all the support the state can offer including things like reduction in council tax.

I know it’s hard not to panic but there are lots of ways forward for your children even if they can’t take GCSEs at the usual time. Your dh sounds a bit odd in his thinking about money. He is only able to work because of you caring for the children. Why isn’t he paying for food?? Thank goodness you don’t have rent or a mortgage to pay.

Your situation is heartbreaking OP. Would it help to keep using this thread to check in and keep track of your progress?
It must be so hard to know where to start but you’ve had some great advice already.
I would definitely get an appointment with your GP ASAP for yourself - you need to look after your mental health as best you can right now to get you through what is happening. Medication, therapy - even if just for a short while to give you enough of a boost to tackle everything else.

What is the relationship like between your DCs and your husband? Does he bother with them much? I absolutely agree that you need to consider a divorce in these circumstances.

Yep. Also 45K that your DH makes is a reasonable wage. Where is that money going? Is he saving it, spending it on someone else, taking drugs with it, what?

Write your MP. This was suggested up thread, and it generally works. Explain the situation in an email to them. They will get back to you and make enquiries. Once it is seen the MP is involved, you’d be surprised how fast things move.