So disappointed how life turned out for me and how to find hope

I think regrettably too many men are like this. Their love (for their spouse, for their kids) is based on them enriching HIS life (sex, status, adoration, amusement). Because the eldest is disabled and always will be, there is no status, no amusement, just work for him to do, impingement on his comfort. His spouse, quite rightly, is focused on the draining needs of her disabled child - less sex, less attention, less of everything for him. He feels like he's been let down - the child, the wife, are not GIVING him anything, just taking. So he's checked out, doing the bare minimum to maintain the public perception that he's a good guy who hasn't abandoned his family, whilst treating his wife and kids like the defective appliances he sees them as.

At some point he may meet someone else and can then leave as he'll be telling himself a 'forbidden love against all odds' story about himself, and the OP and his kids wouldn't see him for dust.

Men like this are all selfishness and ego. They don't actually understand what love is, they're not capable of it.

Op is getting good advice re sn, but she'd be better to start another specific thread in sn section. Because sn MN'ers are extremely good at giving good advice eg re how to get echp finalised etc.

This is actually a much more helpful and compassionate post than those I made. You matter OP, you're keeping whole worlds spinning. Caring for yourself is caring for your children. And you deserve it.

Is H father to the DC? I cannot fathom how he can be so removed from this if he is! And so unwilling to pool money.

Obviously that wouldn’t be an excuse (nothing could excuse his behaviour) but it might help us understand why divorce might not bring any benefits in terms of OP’s financial situation - if they aren’t his children, he wouldn’t be expected to pay CMS.

I’ve read all OP’s updates and apologies if this has been answered and I’ve missed it.

Your dh needs to know all of this. I don’t know that the only way is divorce as hopefully him being this way is his way of coping and when he sees what you have to deal with he’ll find a way to work through this with you

I just wanted to add my voice to this too. I have friends who gave up in school and left with very little, but they went on as adults to go back to college and now have careers and good jobs. It may seem impossible for them now, but please believe they still have opportunities.

Love this.

If you divorce the house will be seen as a maritaL asset. It will be sold and you’d get half. You’d also potentially have access to a proportion of his pension. The process tries to make it so that it’s fair. As a SAHM you were unpaid childcare.

I was able to get DC1, complex needs, out of my house and living “independently” with care. We got advice that since as had been physically abusive to younger sibling, that once was 18, that it was as a safeguarding issue and that I needed to protect sibling from abuse.
Concidently I needed to move, and moved to a property without a bedroom for that child. Once DC1 was living at own place, with care, it took time for me to transition back to normal-ish life.
it’s hard to let go, but was best decision for both of us. Child needs to become adult.

when DC is 18, then you no longer involved in anything ….

So, maybe Mencap can help w advice to start process for when 18?

You are in a horrible situation and doing incredibly well to cope as you do but everyone deserves do do more than just exist. Reading all your updates your husband is the problem. If he was sharing care everything would be easier, you would have someone to talk to, you would have someone to care for one while the other is at respite so you could go out, you would have someone to help fight the local authority.
I would suggest approaching him, possibly with a written list you can ask him to read. Outline the current situation in terms of money and care input. Tell him it is not sustainable. Present three alternatives

1. he steps up to joint finances and a significant input into care
2. you divorce and he will have to pay the agreed amount of money
3. you walk away leaving him with house and children and it is his turn to do everything

In your place op it might help to break things down:

Your oxygen mask - counselling for you, respite, support from charities.

DC2: GCSE syllabus at college or school - MP informed to assist. Do you have other schemes such as forest school or similar or even home ed groups he can join. It is a priority getting him out of the house and into a social setting. Once he is settled life is going to be considerably easier for you op. Enlist the local or even national papers if you have to, you shouldn’t be left in this dire situation.

Self care: baths, music on headphones for you, a magazine, a mobile hairdresser that comes to the house. Every week you need a treat. If I could I would bring flowers to you today. You are literally the most deserving person of love and care.

DH: I am sensing you can’t face addressing this atm, and it might be just too much for you right now. When the time comes you need to fully address your marriage and his behaviour but not now. I would ask him to get more involved with dc2 as a minimum. Going out to the cinema, pizza and cycling or whatever dc2 enjoys the most.

Can MN help you op? What can we do?

If you are the main carer for the children and you wanted him out, he wouldn’t have much choice. He is abusing you OP no matter how much you don’t want to hear it. It will be affecting your children. Please see legal advice.

Dump your husband. He'd have to pay child support and actually contribute then. How can you stay married to someone who can just sit back and watch you and his kids suffer? Get rid.

I think once you've got this toxic waste of space out of your life, and start to rebuild it, you'll feel much better. You're not just doing everything on your own right now but being dragged down by him. You deserve better, and you can have it.

This.

Please seek advice OP. It sounds a deeply unhappy home and I bet you’d all feel better if you got your DH out.

Take them to a tribunal. The process is easy, another form filling exercise - I googled what things the tribunals looks for to uphold your case and made sure I highlighted those issues in my forms. We were trying for 4 years to get an EHCP and the tribunal process worked. If you win, they have to finalise the EHCP within a very short period. 30 days I think it was. Information here.

I am in a similar position to you and I get the hopelessness of it all. It’s really shit to have no joy in your life, just endless groundhog days of caring for others. I don’t think DH paying the bills makes much difference to the mind numbing endlessness of it all.

I real feel for you because you sound so loving and caring but you are reaching burnout point. You are fighting on so many fronts and it is exhausting. Am appalled at your DH's behaviour particularly regarding finances. It almost sounds abusive as he's not supporting you emotionally, physically or financially. I'm not sure if you can get some advice via woman's aid or legally about what to do.
Can you tap into the homeschool community for your son who would benefit from schooling?
You definitely need (minimum) 1 or 2 times a week where you can go out for a walk or coffee (or cry and scream about what you are coping with) alone to recharge.
What would happen if your DH was home and you just went out for a walk and left him to it? (I've had to do this a few times with my DH!)
Sadly I think you have to look at just stopping paying for somethings, as the money 'you' receive is for your children, not to prop up your household finances - what is your DH doing with his spare money? You also need to consider divorce, as at least then you will get money from the house etc and other financial support and you can manage your life better. You also won't be living with such a cruel person.

@Cloudberry24 I agree the LA is failing in their duty at the minute. I was just pointing out s19 provision does not have to be home tuition like you posted.

Unless the child’s needs means more provision in any form is unsuitable, 2 mornings or 2 afternoons a week is not a suitable full-time education. The LGO is clear on that.

Hi Op I am in a very similar situation to you. I also have a teen at home with complex needs, suicidal etc. Has been out of school a year now, with me 24/7, can't leave him for 5 mins. One thing is really helping him: a VR headset. It's sad, but it's like he can escape his current reality, connect with other people and has purpose in the games. I'm not suggesting it by any means as a replacement for school/routine etc (my son is desperate for this too), but in those days where you are just existing and keeping them safe/stable it has been a game-changer for us. I got his second-hand from Ebay. It also gives them gentle exercise/movement.

Dear @Outchy - first I just want to say you sound amazing and I feel for you and am sorry you’re going through this. Try and keep this energy with you to make a change. This is a first step with the support and ideas and suggestions for you on this thread. Sending you love and luck xx
i totally also agree with this post from @Haemagoblin
You have to pull together on this. He is being abusive in this current situation.
Is there any family member who you trust who could mediate and support you both to come to some kind agreement?
Can you do a telephone consultation with a divorce lawyer this week? Sometimes the first call can be free.
Call Women’s Aid by the end of the week too.
Establish what your absolute rights are if you file for divorce.
GCSEs aren’t everything. Your DC2 may be able to get into a college at 16 and do maths and English and something vocational? This will get him out and meeting people? Could this work?
Can you do anything together in the interim - is he willing to do a joint work out/ anything around the house? Could he get an allowance for cooking dinner? Learning baking? Would your H support this?
please keep us updated xxxx

Thanks. I knew there was something like that, although not used often any more. It would be worth looking at, as she would be unlikely to get spousal maintenance from a husband who only earns 45k.

Hi OP. I was in a very similar position. Then exH left anyway so I Divorced him.
No money to split really but I now get UC in addition to my own PIP and PIP for both my YP. exH promptly retired so no wads of cash being handed over but if we are careful we can just about manage financially.
I have NO time off. exH never has our YP and does no 'cover' at my house (including when one YP was seriously ill last summer & in high needs ward).
We have had little educational support. I understand what you mean about 'exisiting'. I am so sorry that I can't suggest helpful things (I am in rural Scotland and there just isnt' anything where I am) but I hear you and I 'see' you xxx

HRTFT yet- but financial abuse is a crime.

Speak to a lawyer. As a married woman, and as primary carer for your disabled DS, you may be entitled to a lot more than you think. He doesn't get to just stay there because he wants to, it needs settling in court. If nothing else you could force a sale and buy something else for you and DC (possibly something closer to the schools appropriate for your DC2?)

Talk to a lawyer and to divorced caring parents (online groups a great place to start). There may be a way forward with this you can't see because you're too deep in it.

I agree - the LA should be ensuring a full time education but currently they aren’t. The worst case scenario is that they offer a Pupil Referral Unit - I have seen this happen many times and would refuse it for my DC as unsuitable. Home tuition for two mornings or afternoons each week is the bare minimum but it could be beneficial to the child’s mental health and the LA can’t claim the OP is electively home schooling.

I feel like you're giving up on your youngest too quickly. Which isn't surprising given you seem to be profoundly depressed by the huge burden of care on you already, and I'm sure the 'OK' child now going off track and needing care feels like the final nail in the coffin.

But you don't need to go from "they're in a bad place now and it's awful and I can't see a way forward" to "well that's it then, their life's fucked, they'll never get back on track and will either be a lifelong burden on me and the system or might as well just kill themself." it's too extreme. I can understand why you are doing it but it isn't helping you or them.

They are young, they are bright, and there is every chance they could get past this difficult stage and 'be something' as you put it - even if that something is just a simple person with a simple, contented life, rather than a high flyer.