To cut off a friend for saying “you only have one mother?”

If your mother has mistreated you and your friend knows this, but she still thinks this is an appropriate thing to say, well - I’d be cutting her off too, honestly. It isn’t the same as disagreeing on music taste or whether pineapple belongs on pizza; it’s consciously invalidating and minimising your experiences. I once had an acquaintance who, upon hearing about my own abusive mother, declared with great confidence that ‘I’m sure she did the best she could’. It places a burden on the abused party, like a tacit suggestion that we are somehow to blame for not letting it go, or for not regarding our abuser(s) with compassion.

It's a simple statement of fact, isn't it? Otherwise, you're reading between the lines.

Sorry but I don’t understand how you heard “you only have one mother” and it somehow morphed into “you have to tolerate even a bad relationship with your mother”?!

As this is a close friend with her one and only Dad being a shit dad, it sounds more co-miserating in intent and substance to me.

Unless she’s not a friend but has been a lifelong rival and bully that you put up with.

People tend to judge outside situations with their own experiences and views. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her dad therefore she sees a mum as something more “special”

It would be a bit extreme to cut off a friendship over this. If you really felt the need to you could talk to her and explain that her comment hurt you or you could just let it go.

She isn’t living your life and you’re not living hers. Everyone has their own views, opinions and experiences that shape them and their thinking.

If you “cut off” everyone who ever makes a tactless remark (and/or expresses themself in cliches) you’re going to have an exceptionally lonely life.

Yes, even if they're abusive.

"Working with what we've got" doesn't mean we have to accept abuse or even stay in contact. It just means that (absent being adopted) we have to acknowledge the parents we have and recognize that there isn't a trade-in option. Going NC or low-contact with a parent isn't the same as doing it with an old school mate or even another family member even when it is absolutely the right choice for us, and our parents have the ability to hurt us in unique ways because it is a unique relationship in our lives.

You only have one mother true but i never had a mother to start with she was just a woman that was there to bully us and use men and us for money dad didnt see us because he didnt pay her enough cm i had no feelings for her still dont.
I wont be going to her send off either.

If she's otherwise a good friend, there's no need to cut her off because she said something wrong. Tell her why it bothered you and move on, a mistake isn't worth stopping a friendship over.

The OP hasn’t said her mum’s abusive. Just that it’s a bad relationship.

At 51 years of age last year I had enough of my narcissistic mother and told her I won't be talking to or seeing her again. All my friends thought it was the best thing I could have done seeing as my mental health was in the gutter. I don't blame you in your actions and your friend probably doesn't understand how bad things have to be to do this. It's not a silly fall out it's years of mental torture and trying to be a good daughter. You could always flip it and say surely it works both ways. Your mother only has one you but she doesn't care about risking your relationship.

Fair enough to be annoyed and upset, but not to go round "cutting off" friends over an ill judged comment. She wasn't being deliberately unkind. These things are part of friendships, friends aren't perfect. Don't expect perfection, accept she's only human and move on.

If that’s all that happened then YABU but she’s probably better off without you. Cutting her off for one comment you found invalidating is extreme.

Not when they're abusive, we don't.

It entirely depends on the context and whether she's otherwise supportive. Cutting someone off just for saying those words is extreme.

My mother was frankly a terrible mum, I set firm boundaries that she responded to by cutting off contact, and when she died in my early 20s I hadn't seen her in several years. I don't regret how I handled that despite being sad about how it all worked out, so I'm certainly not on the "no matter what they're your parent and you need to just keep accepting shit" side of these conversations. But I also have gone through difficult periods with my father and I'm glad I put far more effort into making that relationship work than I would have with just about anyone else in my life, because ultimately he is the only parent I have and that makes it different than other relationships.

Very hypocritical of her, silly mare. I do find the amount of people who just don’t get it and say shit like “bUt YoU oNlY hAvE oNe MoThEr” so therefore should put up with all sorts of crap and forgive everything just because that person happens to be your mother soooo fucking irritating. I’ve heard it loads. Even by people who themselves have terrible parents but choose to put up with them.

What she said was a factual statement. I don't get why you are so annoyed. Depends what the discussion was about.

I wouldn’t take it to be dismissive at all. I would take it to mean “it’s a shame we only get one mother”, like we can’t change who they are, we just have to work with what we’re given.

If you can't cope with someone saying a well known phrase without feeling invalidated and dismissed you can't be friends any way so cut her off as you wish. It boggles me though how people need to feel validated to that extent and expect other people to agree with them and be beyond reproach. People are contradictory and inconsistent. We all are. It doesn't make us unworthy hypocrites who must be cut off to preserve your fragility so you can only be exposed to people who nod along.

YANBU

I gave distanced myself from my mother, she had been an awful mother. I am her only child and she is very lonely

I am aware how many people can’t accept this so I am careful who I speak to about our relationship as I don’t want to explain myself

Unless you have more issues with this friend, cutting them off just for this for one comment is very unreasonable. It's a knee jerk response and it sounds also like you may have overreacted just going by what you have said in your Op. Plus your urge to "push away" sounds like a fight/flight response, That usually happens when we at "triggered", so maybe think about what is happening here and why you have reacted so strongly to this.

Given that you imply you have a difficult relationship with your mother, you could have attachment issues that can cause this type,of strong reaction. Worth taking a look at if you haven't before.

In a way your friend is right, you do only have one Mum but in the same way she will have only has one Dad. She clearly hit a nerve with her comment and upset you. Family relationships are often complicated and not always straight forward. I don't think you need to cut her off - not if she has been a good friend to you. Maybe the two of you can agree not to agree.

I would have called her out on the hypocrisy.

But yes, as someone who is NC with her mum because of sexual abuse and her exposing my children to a sexual abuser, I probably wouldn’t have much time for a friend who knew the full story of my family and acted like such a twat.

Me too. I remember a colleague saying this and rubbish like 'You'd miss her if she wasn't here"

No I wouldn't. My mother was horrible to me and my sister. I don't know why she had us. We were both happy when she died and haven't shed a tear. We don't mark any of her dates either.

I also hate all the gushing stuff you see on Mother's Day.

Not everyone had a lovely mum.

I would find this irritating, but not worth cutting someone off over. Maybe it was a thoughtless comment or maybe she thinks you're being rash. But you can't expect friends to agree with you and validate your feelings at all times.