To cut off a friend for saying “you only have one mother?”

It's true, but not everyone has the same experience with their mother.

Terrible flippant comment as I am sure that she is aware of the details.

I would have an honest discussion with her before throwing away the friendship.

It's possible there was a misunderstanding. As others have said, she might have actually meant something like "I sympathize with you because there's no second choice on mothers when the one you got is such a huge disappointment."

Otherwise, yeah, it does seem like very self-centered, rat-like behavior to me. Especially if you've lent an understanding ear to her about her situation with her problem parent, only for her to turn around and dismiss your similar situation with your problem parent.

But if you like her aside from this incident, I'd at least have a conversation about it. See if she meant something other than what it seems like, or if she maybe just had a derp moment there and apologizes after further discussion.

But if you don't like her that much anyway, maybe it's better to take it as a convenient ending place. Good luck with it.

I wouldn't ask a one off, maybe talk to her and tell her how it made you feel

If she dismisses you, says your over sensitive etc then bye bitch

However if she listens give a last chance

I’m really surprised at how many people seem unaware of the loaded nature of the statement here. It does, admittedly, depend on context, but generally speaking people don’t say ‘you only have one mother’ purely as a statement of fact. Because we all know that’s the case. It would make as much sense as pointing out that the sky is blue. It’s far more likely that the phrase is being used as a way of implying that the OP should just make the best of it because she won’t get a better alternative, which is how the phrase is usually used. I think it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest that the friend was just ‘pointing out a fact’ or expressing solidarity. But hey, who knows.

I think you’re overreacting tbh. She’s not wrong - factually. If she’s your friend, perhaps she was just offering her perspective. I expect she felt she had your best interests at heart; as your friend. I don’t think friends are mind readers so maybe she didn’t fully see the depth of the issue you feel; I don’t think that’s reason to cut her off. If she has been nasty or not a friend then fine; but I don’t think her offering her perspective to you, as a friend, is rational grounds for cutting her off. Friends can sometimes hold views that oppose our own and this is such a personal thing that nearly everyone has a different experience of.

I disagree.
I only had one mother and she fucked that beyond all recognition of “mothering”

So saying “you only have one mother” is just a fact, there is no judgement, no implication of hypocrisy there.

If a friend that knew my history said it to me and I know they had a shit parent too so understand the mixed up feelings of it, if I were to read between the lines without assuming they are a horrible hypocrite, I would think that the intended meaning would be more likely to be you only have one mother, you didn’t get the mother you should have had and deserved and there is NO ONE that can fill the hole of a mother that never was. Handhold and hug moment.

Context is really important here.

I cut a friend off for saying something similar. This was after me telling her about the appalling abuse I suffered at the hands of my parent. Bad enough that we probably should have been taken into care.

I was told repeatedly how I only had one father, and how I'd regret not seeing him if he died.

I didn't.

Pps' are right, the "you only have one..." brigade are usually blessed with reasonable parent(s).

@ThighsYouCantControl sorry to infiltrate the thread, but where does this jumbly letters thing come from “bUt YoU oNlY hAvE oNe MoThEr” ? I've seen it a few times.

Yeah not quite getting it either - it's a silly comment? Were they having a bad day or is there some long backstory of her being unsupportive?

I hear it a lot. My mother actively disliked me as a child. She was damaged, I know that as an adult. You still don’t get to damage your own kid in turn. Then she slept with my then DH whilst I was pregnant.

I wouldn’t cut off a friend for saying that. But then I’d never cut off a friend for doing anything. My friends are my friends no matter what.

It may have been insensitive and hypocritical, but unless it was said with ill-intent, I wouldn’t be too uptight about it.

I’d have replied along the lines of … ‘Yes, and this one’s shit!’.

Why would you cut her off rather than just tell her she's wrong?

Not unreasonable

Guilt tripping bullshit. I say that as someone who has an excellent relationship with my (step) mother. My first mother died when I was a child.

I got two mothers.

TBH you must be awfully hard work.

She's probably a bit relieved you've cut her off.

100%

Could you not just have a conversation with your friend about why this comment has triggered you so much?

Depends. You’ve not given enough context.

If you’ve decided to go no contact with your mum because she wore the wrong colour dress to your party… then maybe your friend had a point.

if your mum is a truly heinous woman and your friend knows that history… then your friend needs to have a rethink about what she said.

She wasn't being helpful, understanding or supportive which could just mean she's not very intuitive or is self centred. It is of course totally reasonable to pull back on a friendship when you realise it isn't balanced. However, our reaction comes across as little rash, reactive and emotional. Her comment has obviously touched a raw nerve and maybe you should take bit of time to work out what that actually is before rushing in with a response. Is it that you've finally realised what a hypocrite she is and how she never supports you? Or is she usually a pretty good friend but this comment has triggered you because it's reminded you of all the things your mother is not tmand that is actually deeply upsetting/ disappointing (have you dealt with that disappointment yet?), it would be a shame to lose a friend over some misplaced anger.

This and sometimes people say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It doesn't make them bad.

I've had this said to me a lot over the last 6 years, including my fil who thinks I should suck it up and take the abuse because she's the only mother I'll ever have and it's my job as a daughter basically. The thing is, she's the one that cut me out! Anyway, now I have boundaries and some people can't deal with that, I won't be inviting her back into my life at any point. My mental health is so much better now.

It is invalidating and people that say this have no idea what it's like to have a mother you're better off without.

YANBU. I cut my mother off in my 30s for very good reasons. She had never been a mother to me at any time: she'd been negligent, cruel and abusive. When I cut contact, I heard the same sort of comments. Now if asked I simply say, "she's toxic, we're not in contact" and change the subject.

Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker with your friend. If she's fully aware of all the difficulties you've had with your mother then her comment was insensitive. Afterall, I'm sure you have preferred to have a great relationship with your mother. If your friend doesn't fully appreciate the difficulties, then maybe cut her some slack.

YANBU at all - not only is she a hypocrite but she's also a wanker. Tell her to FOTTFSOFAWSGTFOSM

I couldn't be arsed to get worked up over something like that. Just her opinion and friends like everyone else are entitled to their opinions. I also wouldn't care if she was being hypocritical as people are complicated.

If you are considering cutting her off then she probably wasn't much of a friend / friendship was already over.