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Original poster

Lack of effort from DP

38 replies

Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 19:56

I've been with DP for 9 months. I need to know if I'm being unreasonable. My birthday in October I got a very plain boring card and cheap flowers, despite him asking me what I wanted and I have him ideas. I was upset then a week later he booked a night at a hotel with spa facilities and said it can be for my birthday (no spa treatments were booked) Then fast forward to our first Valentine's day. I gave him a card and some lovely M&S chocs, his reaction was 'i didn't want anything let the kids have it'. I was really hurt by his reaction especially as he had got me nothing, although my daughter asked him a week before what he was getting and he said a few things. I had to go out but when I got back later on he turned up with flowers and a card. I binned them. I think it was an after thought, same as my birthday and I feel like he makes no effort to make me feel special. Haven't seen him for a week as he's working away but I don't know if I want to carry on the relationship. Am I being unreasonable? I don't expect diamonds etc but I do think I get minimum effort

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 23/02/2025 21:14

With some men you do need to spell it out. If you expect effort on your birthday and Valentine's Day, be blunt. Of course, in an ideal world, it should be bloody obvious you want fuss made on your birthday etc. Some, simply don't see the obvious. If once you've made your expectations clear, you end up as an after thought, then it's time to perhaps realise that this man can't be arsed and it's all too much bother. It depends, if you made your expectations crystal clear to him or not. My husband is the complete opposite, has bought me flowers twice a month since we met 19 years ago. I am fussed over and pampered on special days and even just because he felt like it. Not all men are like him though!

Gettingbysomehow · 23/02/2025 21:04

I can't be bothered with people who make so effort personally. They get worse not better with time. I'd ditch him.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2025 21:04

9 months?!? 9 flipping months. There's no way this man should be your 'partner' or 'the kids love him' . That is so so bad.

NuffSaidSam · 23/02/2025 20:59

It depends whether this lack of effort occurs across the relationship.

If he generally makes no effort then get rid.

If he's just crap at gifts (but makes effort elsewhere) then it's for you to decide how important gifts are to you and whether you think explaining this to him would make a difference.

HÆLTHEPAIN · 23/02/2025 20:58

namechangeGOT · 23/02/2025 20:14

Other than materialistic things, how is the relationship?

Is not about being materialistic - it’s about the lack of thought.

OP, you need accept that it will always be like this if you stay with him or move on from it.

Liesmorelies · 23/02/2025 20:56

The kids love him after 9 months? Ok then.

AutumnFroglets · 23/02/2025 20:56

Get rid. He's setting the scene that he can't do right for wrong, that you are ungrateful, why does it matter if things are late blah blah.

He's training you to think you aren't worth any effort.

Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 20:16

namechangeGOT · 23/02/2025 20:14

Other than materialistic things, how is the relationship?

It's fine, sex is great, kids love him. There has been issues with trust on my part quite a bit though

OP posts:
namechangeGOT · 23/02/2025 20:14

Other than materialistic things, how is the relationship?

Moonnstars · 23/02/2025 20:07

Did you tell him how disappointed you were about the lack of effort for your birthday?
Was it clear you expect something for valentine's day?

If these things matter to you, which it sounds like they do, then this is not the man for you. I would call it a day.

Neveranynamesleft · 23/02/2025 20:01

Sounds like you are not on the same page. Life is too short, you deserve better. Bin this one and move on.

Original poster
Popsypop838687 · 23/02/2025 20:00

No my children were not aware

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 23/02/2025 19:58

I think for everyone’s sake - especially your kids - you need to end this relationship.
Do they know that you threw out the card and flowers?