AITA for refusing to have a relationship with the man who made my childhood hell?

The mother is creating drama over it because OP’s not going along with her ‘happy families’ schtick by wishing him a happy birthday reminds the mother of what she’s done. She’s thinking that if OP won’t go along with something seemingly trivial like this, what else might she not go along with in the future? It’s about control. For OP’s mother there’s nothing scarier than OP having boundaries and agency over the situation.

@Surelyitisntjustme

Was I unreasonable to not wish him happy birthday via text when they are away on the other side of the world, considering I wouldn't usually contact him on his birthday anyway?

Not at all.

Is it unreasonable of me to let her stay silent and not reach out to try and resolve this?

Ditto

How would you approach this when she returns if either she a) confronts is and wants to continue the debate or b) acts like it never happened?

I guess this depends on whether or not either A or B would make a difference in your feelings towards this man. I have the feeling that it wouldn't make one iota of difference. So it's up to you;

If she does 'A' I'd cut her off and say "Mum I don't want or have a relationship with 'Bob'. For your sake, I am polite to him when I have to see him, but that's my limit. This is not open for further discussion because I think things will be said that we will regret". And then shut it down.

If she does 'B', I'd probably just go on my merry way ignoring him. She's made her decision and her choice. Trying to make her see your side is useless. Save your breath to cool your porridge.

As far as your son goes, if you don't want him calling this man Grandad, but you don't want to make a big 'thing' about it, I'd start with referring to him as 'Grandad Bob' and then segue into 'Bob'. If your grandfather is still living and/or there is a paternal grandfather, I'd be sure to refer to them as 'Grandad' to your son and if he calls 'Bob' Grandad, I'd probably say "Oh no, your grandads are 'Grandad who lives in the blue house' and/or 'Grandad who lives by the sea' (or some other easy 'identifier'). At one point my sons had 2 sets of grandparents and 2 sets of great grandparents and that's how we sorted them out for our sons when they were little.

Everything everybody has already said. It's very difficult because you've been pulled into this mess and conditioned to accept it, and need to untangle even more than you have.

AND anyway, WHY should it be so important you wish him a happy birthday anyway? Purely even on its own, creating a drama over that is totally unnecessary 😵‍💫

This!!

Yer maw's an absolute fanny

I'm sorry you went through this and still have this person in your life. I'm in a similar situation and it's so difficult and my childhood has hugely impacted my life (I really do need to get therapy).

You are not being unreasonable and your mum is really very lucky you have anything to do with either of them x

I think if she comes to you you’re well within your rights to say “why would I wish him a happy birthday? He’s a sex offender and made my life hell”.
She failed to protect you as a child. She put this grubby specimen above you. It’s ok to not have a relationship with her. I certainly wouldn’t be making the effort to contact her.

I'm going to armchair psychologise you now....🤷‍♀️😃

Ah OP, these dynamics are so tough.

So someone asked how much you want a relationship with your mum. She has zero boundaries and that's evident by everything she has enabled and ignored all your life.

So when you try to assert boundaries with her such as your non negotiable position regards communication with the step twat - she's going to throw a huge tantrum as she is now. She doesn't like boundaries, she doesn't like you not behaving in a way she sees appropriate to HER and the beast she shacked up with at YOUR expense. .

Someone mentioned the will. When you are fully prepared to let go of that ever happening and know this is often the only remaining tool these people like your mum use to manipulate you- that's a point where you can be free.

How much does your mum want you in her life and is she prepared to adapt her behaviour in any way to respect your boundaries? I don't know the answer.

For your own mental wellbeing and physical health, sticking firm to your boundaries and communicating them without anger is best. You're doing that already with the birthday situation but it needs go further with these people in your life.

I'd say no more explanation is needed for your mum beyond ' I'm just not comfortable in any way with a relationship with step twat, ( use his name), but I would be happy to have a relationship with you if you can accept that'. End of. No more. Mum knows exactly what the c*ntchop is capable of. She's blocking it out.

She needs to accept it OP. She has betrayed you beyond words and is punishing you for your understandable reaction. What a child she is. What else is she capable of.

You're probably trauma bonded to your mum so just walking away isn't easy. It's all well just hoping that's possible but it might not be easy for you and that's ok.

I'm not saying she has a personality disorder but she has traits alot of them and for that reason I'd recommend watching Dr Ramani on YouTube. Really helpful and helps you make sense of things.

The fact you even have to explain and justify all that behaviour says you've probably been manipulated or blamed for others behaviour by at least one parent growing up.

Absofuckinglutely.

I had to deal with an abusive stepdad and it made me hate my mum. She did leave him eventually but it was far too late for me, it destroyed my relationship with her completely.

I think you are mad for even giving one single solitary fuck about what she may or may not think. I would have absolutely nothing to do with the pair of them. He's a disgusting, dangerous, creepy prick and she is fucking awful for standing by his side through it all.

I would not allow my children anywhere near him.

Oh sweetie, you don't need a mom that would allow that crap. You give your sister away if she must be given.

Is your dad involved with your child? He should be called grandad not this man. Just call him by his name to your child and if you have to correct your mum over and over then do it. Stop the video calls. They are unnecessary. Tell your mum you are going low contact or even no contact. You need to protect your child. You know how to do this. Your child needs you to make the right decision here. Be happy with your own little family. You do not need these dreadful people. Definitely no more cards. Farhers day can take a hike too. Wishing you strength.

You owe a mother like that nothing at all. The absolute neck of throwing a strop because you refused to wish your abuser a happy birthday. You’re being gaslit like no-one’s business here, OP, and you need to take her reaction as the opportunity you need to cut off contact with both of them. I wouldn’t let children anywhere near a man like that, or anywhere near a woman who essentially provided him with kids to abuse. My mother did this, and let me tell you, they don’t suddenly wake up one morning and become accountable. The nerve of it. I’m so angry for you.

I'd be tempted to send him 'happy birthday ya fucking nonce' then block the pair of them. Odious bastards.

Tbh OP you would be being unreasonable to let either of these people near your children.

Your children are at risk if they have any contact with them.

Honestly OP, I would cut your mum and him out of your lives.
Your mum made the wrong choice years ago, she owns that.
Concentrate on your own little family, and stay close to your sister.
When other family members ask why, tell them the truth. No more hiding his hideous behaviour and her enabling of it.

I would tell her that you never wish to see or speak to either of them again.

To him because he’s a filthy sex offender, and I might suggest that some of his victims have been seeking legal advice, and to her because she is a sex offender apologist.

I would tell her that she will never see her grandchildren again, and that you intend to tell them that he isn’t related to them and is a horrible person, and that she is a horrible person for letting him hurt their mummy.

And then I would tell all the family exactly what the both of them are.

Christ on a fucking bike. Are you unreasonable not to pander to your mother’s emotional blackmail? No, OP. No, you’re not.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to tear her a fucking new one for her shitty, selfish, neglectful parenting, for prioritising this utter wankstain over her own daughters, and for allowing him to compromise her children’s safety and happiness. And you wouldn’t be unreasonable to report him to the police for historical child abuse and stalking.

How you still have a relationship with either of them is beyond me. Please keep him away from your child.

And please don't keep his secrets. It is not your job to try and shield anyone/other family from what happened, what a monster he is. Doing so is groomed behaviour. It is designed to make you feel/be responsible for consequences. You are now an adult. Look after yourself, your inner child, and report him. Do for her now what was not done for you then.

I’d take the footage to the police. He is probably still up to his old tricks. They can deal with the matter. Whether you tell them about the awful bedroom incident is up to you, of course, that’s your business. But you should report the abuse of this woman and tell them about the maid. It’s not right for you to ignore proof of a crime.

This birthday nonsense is of no consequence.

I am so sorry you went through this as a child. He’s a snake.

Hi OP
Your most important job right now is to protect your child from this man. That means no visits (supervised or not), no video calls, nothing.
I would message your mum by letter or email with everything you said above. Tell her she made her choice to put you in harm's way, you are choosing to keep your child safe.
When it comes to your sister's wedding you have to decide whether you will let your son attend if he is going to be there. That needs to be a discussion you have with your sister.
The last thing you should worry about is your mother's feelings.

He is an abusive monster.
In my eyes your mother is even worse. Letting a man do that to her own daughters? Because she knows. The incident at the end of the bed is sickening.
I would not want any contact with her at all. It’s not built on anything real.
Would you let a man come into your home, abuse your son, and then deny it? No.
Why your sister wants her anywhere near her wedding I have no idea.
The only thing I do think would be best is to not tell your grandparents all of the details. But you could tell them you really don’t want this man in your life.
What on earth he behaves like on all of these holidays I have no idea.
Your mother chose him.
Choose you and your son.

Go NC OP your Mum made her choice

Op he sounds like a monster