To be horrible to my four year old?

I'm going to go against the grain of PPs here. Both my DC have had limited response to gentle techniques, positive reinforcement (in fact this often has the complete opposite effect on my children), sticker charts and all the other techniques that I should be using.

The only thing that has ever been successful in changing behaviour in them has been when DH or I get to the end of our tether and lose our shit with them.

We don't do it all the time, and we don't attack personally. But every now and then we get too frustrated with the behaviour.

Why would you not stop it? What’s the reasoning in making OP’s life so difficult that she risks snapping again in a way she shouldn’t?

@appleandcat Yeah sure, just keep screaming and tearing down your 4 year old child because he gets on your nerves... I mean sure your confidence is ruined by it happening to you (in your own words) and apparently left you unable to control yourself, but yeah sure, just carry on the cycle, then he can do it to his kids. Great.

I’m not sure how you’re so confident stating that you’re not a terrible person or parent when you’ve screamed at your 4 year old that you hate him and that he won’t have any friends?

He’s 4, you’re not, if you can’t control your own behaviour then you cannot hold him to higher standards than you hold yourself.

Go to a parenting class, reach out to the health visitor for some support, but do not continue to scream these awful things at him. Hitting kids used to be used to shut them up as well, and that “worked”, but all you’re doing is making him scared of you. An awful position to put a child in and will do you no favours later in life when you want him to be able to come to you with his problems and he won’t because he doesn’t trust you and you are not his safe place.

Repeating the way you were parented is an easy mistake to make but it will create the same damage.

Telling your son no one will want to be his friend will destroy his confidence. It is abusive and untrue.

Maybe look into parenting classes so you can better regulate your emotions.

Having an adult scream hurtful words at you is terrifying. He is now walking on eggshells and unless that was your aim, you need to change how you deal with very ordinary four year old insubordination.

My 9yo can be like this, some days she will wake up and argue the sky is green. I just say stop arguing with me it drives me crazy, and remind her to stop and think if her initial reaction is to disagree for no real reason. And every time I have to repeat myself, it gets a bit louder!

4yo might be a bit young to fully grasp what he's doing but I don't see a problem with pointing out that he needs to think about whether he actually does disagree with you or not before he opens his mouth.

Also never too early for the story of the boy who cried wolf, if you always disagree with people for the sake of it then they will stop listening to your opinion.

He’s just a babe. They do things like this. You reacting at him for being 4 is just like shouting at the weather for not being sunny when you want it to be. Stop having a paddy. Let things go. Let him be before you damage him. Words cut deep. What you said would be so intimidating to him.

Why do you have to respond to everything? Just ignore the bad and praise the good. He’s only 4 and you’re the adult, you don’t have to be held hostage by everything that comes out of his mouth.

‘He will grow out of it’ being the biggest misconception and excuse for laziness in parenting. Beware this kind of thinking unless you enjoy being terrorised by a 6 foot entitled hooligan.

What’s going on with him is that he’s only four. 4 years old. Think about that. He’s four. It’s a developmental stage and of course that doesn’t mean it’s easy, but as hard as it is, you’re the adult and you need to pull it back. Don’t say things to him that you can’t take back. And yes, again, it’s bloody hard sometimes… a lot of the time and you’re human. But he’s only 4.

You don't need to STOP the whining and arguing. You need to regulate yourself to the point that you can ignore it.

Shouting at him is one thing. Everyone loses it sometimes, but telling him you hate spending time with him and nobody will want to be his friend? That's emotional abuse. It's not a good idea to do that again.

You’re expecting your child to control their emotions and words when you can’t even control your own as an adult, you can’t see any issue at all with your behaviour? Genuinely?

Sounds like you tried to hard to be soft and ended up being too harsh. Once isn’t going to damage him too much but you can’t do that again, you have to talk to him calmly and explain consequences - and MAKE SURE you give them to him. He’s little now but you must establish basic respect - he’s a child and shouldn’t speak to you at all the way you describe.

You need to avoid getting wound up by his responses, just don't take them too seriously. Go lighter not harsher. so he says "you are not going up the stairs" and you say "okey dokey kiddo" (and continue what you were doing). Sometimes when my kids were small and annoying I would sing, just to keep the situation light.

Can you speak to the nursery and see what they do that works?

You can’t be roaring at your child and saying deeply hurtful things to them, it is so damaging.

Actual consequences- connected to the action itself - and immediate- are a better idea.

I'd have laughed if my DS had said I wasn't going up the stairs and said silly son you are getting all muddled up. Try to distract him when he makes silly statements.

"Losing it" is shouting things like be quiet, why won't you just listen, etc. Not great but perhaps understandable in some circumstances.

Telling him you hate spending time with him and nobody wants to be his friend is just bullying. No, he doesn't need more of that.

I was having similar with my 3 year old, but the shouting was me at the end of my tether, and not something I want to be routinely/ consciously planning. (In my case, I didn't tell him he was making my life miserable, but I ended up screaming at an unnecessarily loud volume to repeat my request for him to stop being silly/rude). I don't think it really helped, and it made me feel awful.

I found an old thread on here suggesting sticker charts and, so far, it's working for me. He really wants the stickers, and he knows he misses out if he doesn't behave nicely. Not giving out a sticker is something that it's far easier to follow through with, so avoids the risk of empty threats "e.g. do that one more time, and we're going home".

No OP that's not going to work and you need to control yourself around behaviour that is mildly irritating at best. My DD also went through this phase, you don't need to argue back just grin and bear it

That was quite a personal attack. Perhaps pick him up on the behaviour only- don’t make HIM the behaviour.

Wow. Is this real? You said that to your four year old?!