Husbands depression is ruining our lives

What is his solution OP? Is he going to go to the doctors? Try and get more exercise or see friends more or re start an old hobby? You can't fix this for him

Sounds like he wants to opt out of parenting. Did he want 2dc close together? Either way they're here now and he needs to step up. Sometimes kids stuff is boring. I couldn't love or respect a man who wasn't a good father.

What is he doing to manage his depression? Medication, therapy, mindfulness, exercise, eating better etc? Seeking his own support network?

Or is he saying 'I'm depressed'.

He sounds stressed out by being a parent to young children. Nothing to do with clinical depression. Tell him it's rough for everyone but that things will calm down as they get older. Tell him to go out and meet some friends and another day it's your turn. You both need to work as a team so each parent get some grown up relax time to do whatever you want.

As someone who is a parent with severe depression (diagnosed by a psychiatrist, several hospital admissions down the line) I find it upsetting to hear this behaviour described as depression. He may or may not be depressed but this is not necessarily behaviour typical of illness.

YANBU. Mine are similar ages - a bit older, and DH is the same. It won't last forever. I got to a point his moods were ruining absolutely everything, I just felt the joy was sucked out of everything all the time, and I gave him an ultimatum. Get help or fuck off. Obviously that's the extremely short version... but I couldn't do it anymore. Little kids are hard but having an extra child in place of a helpful adult is harder. He's now having counselling and other help, considering medication. Things are a little better (but it's very early days here). You're not unreasonable to tell him he needs to get support and you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave if he doesn't.
Sadly I think it's common for men to be shit at talking about how they feel or admitting they have a problem, and they often do need a kick up the bum to get them on the right track.

Good luck - and honestly, the kids do get easier as they get a bit older and less tantrummy. (A bit!)

Based purely on what you have written he's not depressed he is a selfish manbaby

That sounds like failure to grow the heck up, not depression.

Tell him that at the moment it feels to you that you have three kids three and under, and the biggest of them is the biggest problem.

If he feels fatherhood and partnership with the mother of his children isn't for him, ask him what he wants to do about that, and tell him that continuing to inflict his negativity, impatience, immaturity, and self absorption on the rest of the family is not one of his options.

That's for him to work out, not the OP.

Need to somehow get to the bottom why he's not enjoying parenthood.

DH has chronic depression that is currently under control with medication and he lives a normal, balanced life.

When his mental health dips I expect him to act upon it by seeing the GP and/or referring himself into therapy. I will be supportive, I will help him, I will be there whenever he needs me but this is conditional on him seeking help. I will not do is be his emotional punchbag and nor will I do 100% of the parenting/adulting while he wallows. We had this conversation many years ago when I told him he can either seek help or seek somewhere else to live, his choice.

I know it sounds brutal but there is a huge difference between mentally ill but trying and mentally ill but dragging everyone else down too.

Did he actually want kids OP? Did he say he did because it was "the done thing" or did you talk him into it? A lot of men (most actually) don't want kids in the same way that women do and they really don't understand the reality of it. I wish I had a pound for every man who claims to have depression after children came along. I doubt he's genuinely depressed, he's pissed off because he wants his "old" life back - which is pretty much what he's telling you. You need to calmly explain to him that this is now his reality. This is parenthood and it ain't going away. If he can't accept that then he needs to move on. His moods are bad for you and very, very bad for the kids. You shouldn't have to live like this. Stop massaging his fragile male ego for god's sake.

I don't think he sounds wonderful at all. He doesn't get to opt out and be miserable because he's missing his old life. You're giving him too much leeway. If he's depressed, he needs to get himself to the doctor to get a diagnosis and some help. I suspect he isn't though and is just fed up of his new life. Well tough.

That doesn’t sound like depression at all OP. Depressed people are flat, dead, empty, hollow inside, etc. When you’re depressed, you can hardly walk across the room. You sort of shrivel up. He just doesn’t like being a parent, that’s all. And he won’t change. He’s got years of this ahead of him.

Mine is depressed, too, and it’s making us all miserable. I’ve begged him so many times to go to the doctor. Soooo many times. I guess it’s ultimatum time for me (has reached a head again this weekend): go to the doctor or leave.

It’s heartbreaking as I don’t want to be without him.

Your kids are still tiny so maybe he’s struggling to adjust. Could you take it in turns to have a night alone at a hotel or something? Working and coming home to toddlers is so full on. 💐

I doubt very much he is actually depressed, he probably just doesn’t like being a parent. I think the majority of men have children to please their women.

The quote Men love women, women love children and children love hamsters is about as correct as it gets.

Who diagnosed him with depression?
You or a gp or a psychiatrist?

Anyway tell him to shape up or ship out
If he is clinical depressed he can seek help

Wll, if he is so wonderful, has he been to the doctor to see if medication will help him cope better, and stop him being miserable with you and the children?

Some men hate family life & can’t get over what they’ve given up. He sounds like one of them. I’d prepare for a life without him.

He sounds a right miserable cunt, that's not the same as being depressed

His attitude is not good and he needs to grow up I'm afraid. What did he expect having 2 DC would be like? A parenting course might be beneficial all round.

@Bennybabyp it’s always a challenge with MH difficulties but we are a family, we love each other and look out for one another. As an adult I understand her issues much more obviously. I accept that she cannot/could not do what some other parents do; this would be the same if she had a physical health condition.

This is the worst bit, assuming you don’t have any more kids. Talk to him and try and foster a team spirit approach. When you are at the stages of the day when the Dc are most challenging try either taking turns or splitting them up and taking one each.

Despite the tough bits they sound like normal healthy children and again, try and emphasise that and award yourselves rewards for getting through the days and weeks. Maybe take the odd day of leave occasionally together and have a romantic lunch or tryst when they are in nursery or whatever.

He doesn’t sound depressed just fed up. While loads here will say don’t pander to the man child I would argue that if you were the one in a negative spin you might appreciate or benefit from a helping hand to get things in perspective? And soon the winter will be over and frankly that makes a huge difference.