Husbands depression is ruining our lives

Just because anger and irritability are signs of depression doesn’t mean he’s clinically depressed! I think you are making allowances for his poor behaviour by framing it as depression, unless he has been diagnosed (which you haven’t said.) Maybe he needs to go and talk to a professional. It’s not fair to have his anger and irritability rule the atmosphere in your home. It’s extremely damaging.

I wouldn't call that depression I'd call that struggling to adjust to fatherhood. You're in the hardest years at those ages as you battle to transform little savages them into nice well behaved kids. It takes a huge team effort, firm boundaries enforced by both parents, including bedtimes. Once you've got a good bedtime routine established and you get your evenings back plus undisturbed sleep everything changes for the better. It can be hard to get to that stage but it's so worth it. Then it becomes all about making sure they've run off all their energy so they do sleep well, or are calm enough to be well behaved when you go out. We always used to have a little chat with them beforehand about behaviour expectations when we were going anywhere and that helped too.

He needs to start pitching in to help get to the end goal he wants!

My husband started developing these behaviours when DC1 was born. He eventually went to a psychotherapist as the gp was useless. It helped so much, he now recognises his behaviours a bit more, has coping mechanisms and although he still has days where he’s grumpy and the kids are pissing him off he doesn’t bring everyone else to grumpsville. Is it worth addressing with him when he isn’t being miserable why and how he suggests things could improve? I’ve done that sometimes- venting and being on the same page helps a lot I’ve found.
I do kind of want to ask- what did you think having kids would be?! I miss the carefree life as well!!!

@mathanxiety I just asked a question...and it's been asked by a few people and not answered yet so...and I totally agree about the rest but if more men had a backbone then that might mean no kids AT ALL for most women. And I don't know what the solution is to that. I assume men agree as long as their lifestyle doesn't have to change and when it inevitably does get resentful.

Kick a woman while she's down, why doncha...

The time to say you don't want kids is before you participate in their conception. Ideally before your relationship gets to the point where you're living together.

Then if you're serious you take responsibility for your own contraception.

Yes, when you talk honestly about this, your partner might decide she'll leave and find a man who is on the same page as she is wrt kids. Everyone has the right to choose in these matters.

Going along with it when your heart isn't in it and then punishing everyone for it is not on.

I'm guessing kids were your idea?

It's not doing a whole lot for yours

Do you have to stay with him? Do you have options?

You've just described 99% of men, they don't actually want kids. It's just yours is more honest and open with it.

If most men said what they really think most of the people in this thread saying leave him would have also broken up with their partners.

Can we just stop ganging up on the OP and saying her husbands this horrible arsehole? It seems everyone's solution is always to "leave"? Its a general theme on MN, it's totally unhelpful at helping people resolve temporary issues, often it's turning a mountain into a molehill.

OP, you say he's a wonderful man - so I will take this at face value. If he's acting this way at the moment, sit him down and point out how this is coming across and ask him to change on his own, or go to the Dr's to start getting support. It's totally understandable that he misses your relationship, don't assume "it will come back". Make time for eachother without the kids, in the long run happy & united parents can equal happier children, so it's not selfish to go out for one evening a week if you have a babysitter. Or spend the night at home with a bottle of wine and a film once kids are in bed.

I'd also make sure that you're not letting your kids rule the roost. Why are you outnumbered? They are 2 small children and you are an adult. If the kids are being difficult, could you tighten up on some rules? Are you giving in to too many tantrums? You don't need to shout and scream and implement harsh discipline, but if you set a rule and they have a tantrum - are you giving in, or do you say "tough" and stick to your boundaries?

You're in the eye of a storm now with these ages!

He has admitted to missing how carefree our relationship used to be. The laughs, the flirting.

Does he not think you miss that too?!

He needs to sort himself out - which includes recognising the impact of his behaviour on you, his wife, who is already dealing with two very small children without much support by the sound of ot.

So, if he is genuinely struggling mentally, he needs to see a doctor. If he's just being a selfish dick, he needs to give himself a bloody shake. Either way, he needs to take responsibility and do something, other than making your life more difficult than it needs to be.

Why are you labelling his behaviour as depression?

Also sorry for derailing your thread OP. I'm venting.

I'm sure you wanted more good news stories. I guess my advice would be - don't stand for shit early on. There is another thread in active about someone who's husband doesn't want kids. I feel like joining it to yell - don't make himmmmmmmmmm

Sorry that wasn't very clear about the meds. He got a bit better for a while but has slipped back. Has had dose adjusted so wait for it to work.

His view is life got on top of him, COVID etc. My view is that for whatever reason he is a disinterested parent,that has made life very difficult for us all and he is fighting against a family life he doesn't really want, but he won't accept that. He is massively in denial and it is damaging his mental health.

Yes he does have a diagnosis, only a few months and the medication is not right.

I am of the view that he is both depressed and being an arsehole. I can't think of any good reason why he can't take some time out if that is what he needs. I am sure you will have guessed this but his excuse for all that behavior is of course, that it is my fault...

My heart goes to you. My husband can be like that and I have tried similar things to you - asked him to get space by going away for a long weekend somewhere nice like wales or last summer, camping! Or book a night in a hotel or spa. In the hope he comes back relaxed and nicer!! Given space in our home eg he’s sleeping in spare room and I do all early mornings and take the kids out for the day so he has space alone. Again! Not worked

only thing that really makes a difference is when husband goes back on medication and exercises lots

Does this arsehole have a diagnosis of depression? And if so what treatment is he on? He can also be an arsehole and have depression. But the fuck would he be treating my children like that.

This. He is behaving like an insufferable brat.
has he actually got a diagnosis of depression?

I have a depressed husband and he is also a miserable bastard. It is wreaking havoc in our home and for my children who are 12/11/9. I have tried everything

• encouraged him to take space (he won't)
• given him space in the home and reduced demands of daily life (it's not enough and he still weighs in being disruptive all the time)
• given him a kick up the bum (makes him more angry with me)

He continues to stir it up with the kids and argue with them, ignore their behaviors (cries for help), shout and stomp around and then walk out and leave us hanging for hours/days.

It is almost intolerable. Today has been so shit. I'm posting here as an alternative to crying.

Sympathy to the op. It hasn't got better as mine have got older, it has got worse. I don't think he has any parenting skills tbh. I feel completely trapped.

‘Beautiful’? ‘Wonderful’? He sounds like a miserable, selfish twat. And I also don’t believe he’s depressed. He landed on his feet when he met you, didn’t he OP? 💔

No, he's wonderful and beautiful.
Only, if the depressed side happens to be a woman, she gets on with it and cries alone.
😡

The way you have described “hissy fits” doesn’t paint a great picture.

But to be honest my experience of depression has included being short tempered, withdrawn and easily overwhelmed by children being children. So I can buy the idea he is depressed.

How does he feel about it?

If he might actually be depressed then a trip to the GP is a good place to start. Both me and my DH have found anti-depressants transformative and CBT/talking therapy isn’t too hard to access via the NHS.

Has he got “dad friends”? I think this is super important for men in the same way mum friends are for women. To be able to compare experiences of sleepless nights and the tantrums. Round here there are some dad-focused playgroups at weekends, something like that might be helpful.

Did he want children?

@MinnieCoops You’ve hit the nail on the head!

this isn’t depression, nor is your husband wonderful man!