Husbands depression is ruining our lives

He needs to go to gp
Gp or psychiatrist diagnoses ..and prescribed meds
Not therapist
Non negotiable

goes days without eating, has lost a ton of weight, and can barely work

But he needs to go to gp
He needs to want to get help

You can give him the push or take him to the door of gp
He has to want to get help
Can you send him to stay with a relative to give you and dc some rest from the gloom

You can set your boundaries and seek support for you and dc

Yes this sounds like depression.

Why won’t he try meds? My DH was like this and anti depressants were life changing. If he has tried other things and not getting anywhere he really should consider.

I Have taken ADs as well and they helped a huge amount.

This is a tricky one, and as I've read your ongoing responses, you've added a bit more clarity. Your OP doesn't paint him in the best light (which on MN is a death blow since they will see THE WORST in every man). He comes across as hurtful to you and lacking in any resilience at all in parenting.

But not wanting to get up in the morning and going for days without eating and losing a lot of weight sounds more worrying than that he's simply being a shit, lazy man.

Parenting very little ones can be awful – no bones about it. Some people absolutely thrive on these ages, and that's wonderful for them. Others feel trapped, miserable, angry and depressed. I don't think that's wrong either. We can't necessarily be great at parenting all age groups.

I really struggled when my twins were newborns to 3yrs old. It felt like absolutely everything I did for them and with them was a battle. I worked full time (still do) and remember telling my husband that I dreaded weekends at home as they were so so hard. That made him really sad – quite rightly.

There was a few things going on – I think 1) my resilience was incredibly low, 2) my expectations were too high 3) my emotional regulation was poor – probably due to sleep deprivation, worry and stress, but again, that's resilience.

Fully expected to open this and read about someone like my dh who has clinically diagnosed depression and bipolar and who takes medication long term. The medication has completely changed his life and whereas he wasn’t able to work or even want to live anymore now he has a good job and is the wonderful parent he always was.

But your dh just sounds like an absolute spoilt brat! 😳 It just sounds as though he’s checked out of family life completely and doesn’t want to be a parent because the kids are a bit difficult. What would happen if you did this too? We all struggle with toddlers, but we put their needs first because that’s what parents do. I’m not seeing signs of depression here and he’s not the wonderful person you think he is.

OP, it very quickly becomes emotional abuse of the family unit.

Moody, bad tempered, grumpy, complaining.....eventually you are walki g on eggshells and the children absorb the tension and develop anxiety because they don't understand but just know it is not a happy home.

He will ruin your childrens childhood.
Put them first. He gets help or he leaves.

Oh god tell him to get a grip, he’s one of many parents with young toddlers who are a handful. Go for zero tolerance on the mopey attitude and tell him to pack it in :) I would not indulge this and let him sink further into a pit of wallowing, self pity and potentially actual depression. Nip it in the bud

From what you have said he does sound depressed and has had that confirmed by a trained professional. From what you’ve said he’s been a good man in the past and is struggling with depression and challenges of fatherhood but you love him and would like to try and help. Depression in men is serious and can lead to all sorts of negative coping strategies and even suicide. So all I say is with these provisos. If he just being a man child then it won’t help!

Practical steps
Talk to him and tell him this is non negotiable he gets help. Counselling is in my experience e hard going when well medicated and almost impossible to do when not well medicated depression. So go easy on his failure here - a lot of people would be unable to commit to counselling whilst actively depressed. He needs an antidepressant. I would suggest starting with Prozac as many men find a quick change in energy and irritability. But he has to commit to 6 months of trying. If after a month of trying he cannot get on with one drug he does NOT give up he goes back and swaps drugs. Honestly well medicated and he will almost certainly be 50% improved.

Young children are exhausting but it does sound like yours are running the show a bit. Try reign back some control. It’s bloody hard though - I imagine you are in survival mode dealing with the kids and him. But do have a think if some tougher boundaries/ parenting might help you.

A lot of men express love via physical intimacy ie loving sex. You cannot do date nights and tbh I imagine you’d both be exhausted. Plan some date afternoons around childcare. If you don’t have childcare in the day find some. Many offer free settling in sessions. Your husband can surely take 1/2 day leave. I am not saying have sex with him if you don’t want to. I am saying if you can rekindle good mutually satisfactory intimacy once a month it’ll be a game changer to you both. I actually think you yourself would likely benefit from this as it’ll help you rekindle and recharge. Have a nice bath with a glass of wine, be intimate and then go for a short walk, a bite to eat, etc then go get the kids.

Tbh days out with young kids are often just same shit different location. He needs to lower his expectation here. It will get easier! But have a chat with him about all the CBT info that is online. It is likely he is in negative thinking patterns. Good medication will help here to some degree but he will need to do some work to change how he is thinking - which will change how he is reacting, feeling etc etc. Maladaptive schemas (life-traps) is a good thing.

All of this will only work if he wants it to! He has to make the effort. Please do set yourself your own boundaries and reflect honestly on whether the relationship works for you. And also reflect if he is a good man now that the true test of fatherhood has come along. Many men are great - UNTIL children come along and they have to adapt. But from what you’ve said this does sound like depression and that is fixable and worth a shot if you and him agree on a plan to help him. Please also ensure you have good contraception - I honestly think baby 3 here would be a disaster here.

All the best x

It’s not good he is struggling. The question isn’t if he is depressed or not, the question is what is he going to do about it? You can support but ultimately he needs to take some action (many good options for action have been suggested by PP)

This. There is no one size fits all with depression. It manifests differently in different people.

What the hell? Depression doesn’t come in one form.

That doesn't sound like depression - he's just being a twat.

Interesting...YOU got him therapy. He doesn't attend regularly and won't go to the GP.

Re read that OP. He isn't doing anything to help himself is he? Oh, apologies he's tried hobbies
....of course he has tried that! Ones that probably took him away from the home at really busy points with the children.

Did he want kids as much as you did OP? A lot, if not most, men go along with what their wives want. How was he after the first was born - did he step up then? Was it a mutual decision to have a second?

Do you need to put better boundaries and structure around the kids and their activities? You say the three-year-old is becoming ‘ independent, LOL’ which feels to me a little bit like shorthand for out of control and badly behaved. Are both kids in bed by 7 pm for example? are they sleeping through the night? Is there a routine that means you can both switch off from them and have that potential to have time together?

it is a relentless grind when children are really young, and frankly in my book not at all enjoyable given that, but knowing that a child will always eg be in bed by 7 pm give some respite.

you do need to intervene very quickly. Conversations around what needs to be different and also how he needs to step up will need to occur otherwise this is territory that is ripe for souring your relationship.

That’s not depression. He’s a giant man baby who needs to grow the fuck up and get a grip. It’s called life.

Our kids are the same age and it is hard and relentless. I’d be having stern words though if DH was pulling the shit that yours currently is. He can’t just opt out of family life and put more pressure on you to try and recreate the fun, flirty pre-kids relationship while presumably doing all the night shifts, early mornings, cooking and housework.

He sounds selfish rather than depressed and you are pandering to him.

This.

Exactly this. Don't make excuses for him: he needs to grow up.

Does 'missing being carefree' translate to you don't have sex as regularly as he would like?

Kids whilst being one of the blessing in life can a times suck every ounce of of joy out of life

it doesn’t last forever but between lack of sleep separation anxiety and as you say defiant . I can imagine life must be fairly miserable at the moment

he sounds more pissed off and frustrated rather than depressed
at this stage you can’t see light at the end of of the tunnel and you are permanently running on empty

there’s no silver bullet for this one it should settle down

We have a 3 and 1 yr old.
Its rough...

Honestly though it sounds like he doesnt like being a parent which is rough (for you) and maybe not fixable. Separately im amazed you are holding it together so well
Based on my own experiences if you want to help

1. Find datenight childcare and start leaving the children regularly 1-2 x pm irrespective of separation anxiety/ its hard to find childcare/ whatever... just do it.
2. Dr is non negotiable- blood test to rule out physical issue (eg iron deficiency / thyroid etc) and diagnosis
3. Therapy is non negotiable
4. Sleep train the kids and get militant on bedtimes and bedtime routine to reclaim your evening. The 2 hrs we get each night is important.
5. Generally get firmer boundaries it sounds like the kids dictate things. I say this as someone with 2 strong willed /defiant kids. My second seems more so than the 3yr old who is v strong willed. I know its hard.. There have been and will be "hills to die on" with them where i know if i let it go it will make my life harder long term so despite part of my brain telling me to let it slide i suck up 15mins of hell now to avoid a lifetime of x. It is incrementally working
6. Try to plan things in advance so there are nice things to look fwd to.
7. Set expectations of behaviour - your description of his behaviour in the park doesnt sound beautiful AT ALL. The kids will pick up on it and I'd be telling him it is not an acceptable standard of behaviour and to pack it in right now.

We just take the view of finding good where we can and knowing in 12/18m things will be significantly easier.

Ultimately, yes you should support him but he needs to put some effort in too or his going to slowly kill your love for him and drag you down with him. If he doesnt improve /get help / try there will also come a point where its just who he is now and you'll have to protect yourself and your kids (a la the drowning man analogy) or be dragged down with him. Id argue you are not far off this point already ..

My dh was diagnosed with depression 18 months ago, he initially declined meds but then began a course of treatment (anti depressents) this is and will always be a work in progress as he navigates a life of wellness. Upon diagnosis, he sought out counselling with cbt and took an active role in reaching out to his social network for support outside of the family home.

I am sorry that your dh is not able to appreciate the life he has, living with young children is hard and I know I definitely missed the life I had pre-children. Unfortunately you can't fix him and if he is unable to agree to a plan of wellness, you need to accept his moods and irritability as part of your life too. Personally this would be a breaker for me and I would seriously consider if he is a wonderful husband and without a positive plan to move forward, how will life improve for you all?

This.

No matter if it sounds depressed - it is not depression until diagnosis by a medical professional and a willingness to do whatever it take to get well.

If he was lying on the sofa telling you he had 2 broken legs but wouldn't seek medical attention would you accept that?

He has checked out of parenting and you need to kick him up the arse pronto

Also stop letting two little children rule the roost - get tough and get a routine so there asleep by 7/7:30 and you have the evening together.
Yes it's rough and rough but very very doable