To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

There is no blame attached to the first wife in my post.

You have a very weird way of looking at compatibility.

I’m a first wife, not an OW.

People can be ill suited for various reasons. Understanding what those are generally leads to ending up with a partner with different attributes.

Your response to a reasonable post is very over sensitive.

We as women are told to raise the bar but sometimes i think some need to lower it.
Every 7 out of 10 threads is about money its like funding the life style not the kids and its never enough.
Its always the other woman or the mans fault never look at there own actions.
Not all women are perfect parents my mother was the worst.

@RawBloomers chose a partner that suited them better?
Blaming the ex wife for not being good enough for her poor husband, so he had to go elsewhere?

Wow.

Were you an OW perchance?!

I dont know about familys but a lot of single childless men now are staying single and i dont blame them.

Seems like you're assuming the first relationship ended because of the man and that women don't have equal responsibility in relationships. Are women perfect parents in all these situations you describe?

I think that the women are more mature too, and have much higher expectations and, importantly, aren't afraid to put up with any shit themselves the second time round. That's certainly been the case with me, anyway.

Happened with me and dad's 2nd family

Yes because life's mistakes make a person grow and mature and be a better person. Also if a couple who work through their problems then they can both change immeasurably and become better parents and partners with each other. It's just sad that a lot break up before putting in huge amounts of work (I mean therapy etc) to learn this

His ex didn't - she was early 40s and wasn't going to have more kids to try and do it better next time around.

Well she may not have even wanted to, she presumably remained focused on her children rather than trying again with a shiny new family, not everyone wants to collect children in relationships like medals. My parents certainly didn't, I wouldn't, it's pretty gross to have a second family to get a "do over", children are people.

Your husband might well feel better for being a better dad to his second lot, but his first children won't forget, and they have to live with that and see it, so I really wouldn't see it as in anyway a positive.

It depends on the man. If he's a decent guy who wasn't happy and goes on to find happiness in the second relationship then he'll maybe be perceived as doing better second time round in that he'll be trying harder to be a good dh/df having learnt from mistakes?

But I think no one knows what goes on behind closed doors - people will likely try to project now happy they are in a second marriage/gamily as they'd look like a fool otherwise (if they'd left their first one anyway)

My friends ex seems outwardly to be "doing better" with his second family - they have more money for nice holidays, buying stuff and he's always posting on SM about how wonderful his life/family is but we all see straight through it. He was abusive to my friend and is an awful person, that will never change - he's just doing it to someone else now! He still tries to control my friend and her dc's and is absolutely pig sick now that she's met someone she's fallen head over heels for and has no time for his antics any more. It's actually hilarious to see how he's pathetically trying to get her attention now he's lost control. I'd post examples but it'd be too outing as she's on here I think 😂
Others on the outside also wouldn't know that for the first year he was with his now wife, he was still shagging my friend and periodically begging her to take him back.

Im the second wife. Yes I'd say my DH did better second time around. He was a lawyer and married mid 20s. So his first wife had to put up with the less money but working incredibly long hours phase. Plus the idea of being married to someone with this kind of job (eventually very high earning but still high pressure and long hours) is different from the reality. She once told me she felt he was married to his work.
They were getting divorced when I came along. His kids early teens. He had climbed the ladder to the top position in his law firm. So money good, time still focussed on work. My father was a doctor so I was used to him being away long hours, sometimes having to work the holidays, I was also late 30s and knew what life was about. I knew from the get go that he was extremely dedicated to work, though ironically he now spend more quality time with his older kids as there was no mum to act as a buffer. He also took them away on holiday just the three of them. But he learned from his past and was determined to be more 'present' in his new family. Not always successfully, but the advent of mobile phones made it easier for him to go on holiday yet still be able to be in touch if need be. I was also maybe more of an equal - his wife gave up work after having kids, which I did too, but I'd had 15 more years working than her and had for example bought and sold houses on my own and basically got on with it - she went straight from her parental home to the marital one.
It's kinda unfair that he, as a male, even gets a chance to do better though. His ex didn't - she was early 40s and wasn't going to have more kids to try and do it better next time around.

On the whole I agree as I know a few who have not made the same mistakes the second time around. However I also know a couple of people who are begging for their old life back.

There's a lot of truth in this.

I think a lot of men (most) discount much of what women they are in relationships say, so it is not until marriage breaks down, they really start to think about the feedback they have been given. And men often have smaller or no support systems so the loss of their marriage often hits very hard. So it is a combination of that, plus the fact they may be further along in their careers, so maybe have more clout to set their lives up the way they want them to, rather than being early on and having to really work in unreasonable ways to get on.

I'd say my partner was much more hands on with his eldest.
When it comes to our children he has taken a step back in comparison.

Ie did reading and homework with eldest. Has never done it with ours. But on other hand, although myself and his ex are both stay at home mums. I prioritise education while his ex doesn't. One of the many reasons the courts gave him custody.

I use to refer to him as a Disney dad. But reality was he was doing what he was allowed to do with her. For example we wasn't allowed to book her into swim lessons or take her swimming because she might drown. But we could take her out every weekend to cinema. In comparison I prioritised our children being able to swim over cinema trips.

On other hand for example, he wouldn't allow our children to go abroad because it wasn't fair on his eldest.. his ex wouldn't allow it.

After over 10 years in the family courts and finally getting residency those issues doesn't exist any more but the dynamics were different then, and are different now from years ago due to the difference in circumstances.

He's a lot less involved as he was with the eldest in a lot of instances but it's because in reality we are sharing the load. For example the reason I do the homework etc and not him is because we do it straight away so we don't have to worry about it and he's usually at work when it's done. I don't see the point of saving it for when he's home.

It use to annoy me massively. At one point I felt like he loved our children less. But it wasn't because of that. He loves them equally it was because crap situation at the time.

I mean it’s pretty shit man or women to claim your a shit parent because of a shit partner. Very much not claiming your own fault in the problem.

my dads a shit parent to all his 10 families so at least we just know his shit 😅

I think there is a tendency towards an assumption on MN that men are nearly always the reason a relationship fails/at fault (whether they instigate the split or not), which I don’t think is accurate

100%

I find this assumption really strange. In real life, the couples I know who have divorced, it's really not been like that.

To be honest, most of the time, I would say it's not that either person is to blame, it's both people just not being well suited

Nah I think it's because they are human like everyone - women can leave a failed/loveless marriage too but don't get lambasted for it. People don't really go through life IME trying to prove something they just "go through life" and that life is unpredictable, fun, shitty and exactly the same as yours will be. If we can't improve or learn from our mistakes then what's the point? Also I think there is way too much emphasis on the DF in these situations on families from a first marriage and not on the role of the first spouse. Sorry for anyone who is suffering from neglectful fathers/parents (I am referring to adults) but there will be a 100 reasons and explanations for each situation.

Told by someone pretty nasty and wanting to gossip with the ex wife no doubt.

His current wife isn't in the least nasty. She's a great step parent to my child. Don't think you can gossip about yourself, can you?

I think a lot is so they can prove they are good dads. They failed the first time now it’s do or die. If you failed twice there is no hiding you are the problem. If you can succeed once on two goes, it opens up the whole oh well but well yeah now.

Same as affair marriages. This if the time to prove you destroyed lives for a reason not for nothing it needs to work this time.

Being a better parent second time round though doesn’t change being a shit parent first time in fact it compounds the problem with the first children where dads now everything they wanted and need but he wouldn’t/couldn’t be for them. Huge issues.

Told by someone pretty nasty and wanting to gossip with the ex wife no doubt.

I wonder if the second wife is more tolerant due to knowing he's left before, or perhaps she herself was a bit more desperate for the family thus more tolerant, I think most women would prefer to start a family with a man without kids already so I assume she's had to compromise in some way and trying to make the best of it. Probably not true for a lot but the first ones that came to my mind have vibes of this.

Yeah I think my dad definitely did. He was barely ever at home when me and my siblings before he actually left, never took us to school/preschool, put us to bed and couldn’t have listed basic information about us (favourite colour/animal/food) with a gun to his head.

Second time round with the younger half siblings he was a much better dad and so involved in fact, he was head of the PTA. I’m glad he got better at it. I hope it’s at least partly because he regrets being so crap the first time round.

Of those failures a couple of couples stayed together because of unplanned pregnancies. There can always be contraception failures but when you are young your fertility is at its absolute best.