To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

Some are probably just a lot more compatible with the second partner.

Plus, couples often grow apart; the things that drew them together gradually fall by the wayside over the years.

Also, second time around means previous experience, more maturity and maybe more patience.

Or he just likes her better? Are you really assuming all men in second marriages are actually just pretending to be nice?

@Whycanineverthinkofone hmm...awful lot of blame going on the ex wife there which seems very convenient. Your DH didn't "have" to have more children, I'm sure he could have done more to fight for and raise them, but most people take the easy way out and try again, and it's the first kids that get the shit deal.

I don't agree with people going on to have more children in subsequent relationships, but I'm quite surprised how honest people are being here about the fact the next lot of children are do overs replacing the first lot due to the parents' mistakes. People normally try to hide that or pretend it's out of love or some BS like that.

This. ^ When they're younger they can have their pick of women more. When they're getting on a bit/developing a paunch/have thinning hair etc, the pool of women who wants them is much smaller. That's why many men are nicer to their wives as they get older, because they know if they lose her, that they will very likely not get another woman. She may not get another man, but women don't need men as much as men need women.

Surely this is the case across the board in every aspect of life, whether you're a man or a woman, that you do better the second time having learned from your mistakes of the first time?

I was better at skiing the second time I did it because the first time I had no idea what I was doing. I did better in my second job than my first because I'd sought out one that suited me more. I enjoyed sex more the second time I had it than the first because I knew what I wanted out of it. My third proper relationship is the one that's lasted the distance so far because of all the lessons I learned from the first two failing.

It doesn't make it hurt less but it seems perfectly obvious that this should be the case for men and their second families.

Brilliant 😂

Interesting.
I cannot give opinion about children, but my husband is and has been far better and more decent on his second marriage (my first) and he definitely didn't seek "subservience", although there's a big age gap between us.
As per PP, practical side and putting our assets together for financial stability were my main reasons, admitted without torture.
Married for 20 years, my husband has definitely "mellowed" as he got older, probably a factor in the second families too.
But some men screw both families up, without fail.

Yes, I think it is selfish of women too - should have clarified. But I was just answering the main OP about fathers doing better for the second families.

In my experience (and I mean as a child, in my own family, but also with cousins and friends), plus as an adult, it has mostly been the man that leaves, the first family are always made worse off, it's always a struggle for the mother and consequently the kids, and then made worse when he goes on to have a second, and sometimes third, family.

More mature and learned from their mistakes?

But it’s not selfish for a woman to go on to have a second family?

in dh’s case yes it was utterly shit for the children. But that was their mother’s fault- one for having the affair and splitting up the family, second for playing games with the child’s affection and allowing contact around her own needs. Also for alienating the children and ensuring they felt they had to take sides.

dh had children to raise them. To take them to piano lessons, to read stories at night, parents evenings, choosing schools,the whole lot. She took that away from him and gave it to another man.

so yes he had more children. And got to be a full time parent, while still being the best part time dad he could be.

to be honest anyone who has a child is selfish.

Not true for me lol. I was the second wife and family, he was much worse with me than he was her. Just appalling, abusive with us both. But less covert and far more overt with me and our children in the end.

I heard the last few gf’s ended things with him. Not sure if that’s relevant.

I think men having second families is always selfish, and usually hugely damaging to the first family's children. He will obviously have less time for his original children, less money, less energy. And the first kids will see him playing happy families with the next lot, and then have to go home to their mother's. Certainly this is what I have seen of the families in my life.

A lot of men seem to mature more slowly and are less likely to get therapy etc unless pushed to a crisis point.

Shame they go around having babies despite not reaching that 'maturity' yet though isn't it.

Pretty much true of most of the people I know in second marriages both male and female I know one lady that has been married 3 times, and one man that has been married twice and in 2 long term relationships. Both of them are currently single. The man in fairness only had children with his first wife and has always been a very present and good father and is now a very present and good grandfather he just doesn't seem very good at relationships

@swingandtrampoline I really don't think most men worry about what other people think of their first marriage. Women seem to fret a lot more about what other people think of them. Even men who leave in the worst of ways still have the same friends etc.

My ex has always been a pretty half-hearted parent but I suppose he has learned from his relationship with me because his new partner neither has nor wants kids (and is his employee so I suppose is far more likely to take instructions from him).

I think it's because they need to work harder to prove to the wider world that they weren't the problem. After some time though, the mask does eventually slip because a leopard never changes its spots.

DH was a good enough father to his older children. He's a great one to our kids. He was a lot younger when he had his first family. He really needed a lot of therapy to get over his own childhood which he didn't get until after his divorce. When he was younger he was hugely focussed on providing financially for his family but didn't realise his value to his kids in an emotional sense. A lot of men seem to mature more slowly and are less likely to get therapy etc unless pushed to a crisis point.

This is the case for a lot of couples though, especially ones who married young. My best friend and her XH got together at 18 and stayed together until 31. They both freely admit they were poor spouses for each other and are happily remarried now with second families (they share one DS together). They get along great now but were horrible when married.

Same here. He’s been happily married and she’s been through a string of relationships in which the men leave, two after filing domestic violence charges against her. DH has been a great husband and father to his first two kids and our subsequent ones.

It’s kind of obvious that men and women tend to try harder when they get a second chance, and are more often with a partner that is more compatible.

Last act of a desperate man, innit. They bumble along all complacent and selfish, then the rug gets pulled from under their useless feet by wife #1 who is completely drowning, unseen by him, under the weight of his bullshit..

The genuine prospect of living in a shared house/bedsit/back at mummy dearest's has a remarkable effect on how high this type of man can pull their socks up, all of a sudden.

I'm always amazed when people who already have children have more with a later partner. I don't know that many in this situation, though I do know two friends whose exes have both had babies when their first children are older teenagers, though ive ne er seen the exes again as both have moved to other towns. I wouldn't necessarily say either is a better dad second time round, though I certainly think their first marriages had run their course. It just seems so bizarre to me to have another lot.

A friends dad at his 70th birthday party made a speech thanking his 'three lovely children'. He has five, all of whom were present that night. Tbh in that case their mother was actually a worse parent than the dad. Some people just shouldn't have children at all.

I’m low basically no contact with my dad, we got abusive crazy dad who was barely there but made life miserable when he was, the second family got Disney dad, who is sunshine and rainbows 🙄 if you can do it for the new family you could do it before you twat

Dh has always wanted marriage and kids.

his first wife was quite young when they met, chased him hard. He thought she really loved him, the families got on well and it all seemed to fall into place.

2 kids later she has some sort of crisis, starts clubbing and partying, cheats on him and moves her new bloke in.

it’s worked with me because we were older and more realistic about a partnership rather than the wedding and kids.

she’s not a nice person. Has shown her true colours over the years - she’s one of those people who can be lovely to your face when it suits, but will turn on you in a second.