To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

I was clearly unlucky with my H who second time round cheated again and was a complete compulsive liar. Did it to his first wife (unbeknown to me) and then did it to me.. I hope he ends up very lonely in a bedsit!

Yes, he was/is.

What is your problem?

My DH was/is a good Dad equally to all his children

Aye, sure.

more mature outlook I guess. My DF has a new wife and treats her considerably better than my DM, it’s sad to see but I’m glad he’s nurturing a relationship better than he did. He’s outright told me if new wife falls pregnant he’ll be a much better dad and knows how to do things differently, it stung but I’m glad because he wasn’t the best dad.

Just because his 1st marriage didn't work out doesn't mean he wasn't nice.

My DH was/is a good Dad equally to all his children.

But what has that got to do with being a better parent? Are we saying men can only be good dads if they are happy, getting shagged etc? Somehow, most women manage to be good mums however their marriage is going.

The OP's question focuses on men being a better partner or parent, not just a better parent

Absolutely. The man might actually be happier in the 2nd marriage.

But what has that got to do with being a better parent? Are we saying men can only be good dads if they are happy, getting shagged etc? Somehow, most women manage to be good mums however their marriage is going.

Absolutely. The man might actually be happier in the 2nd marriage.

This is the case for my DH too and his ex.

He's a fab Dad to all his children and always has been. They are adults now and he's close to them all.

Some of them maybe do. Some of them are wankers both times!

One thing I will say to mitigate this, is that I think a lot of men really struggle with the shock and reality of having children. I m ean, many of us do, but in my experience, for some men that shock can really really be hard to get over and to adjust to and I know a few men who even know, 10 years later, are still struggling.

But I can also see those men finding it easier the second time with a second family because it's LESS of a shock?

I'm a second wife and DH is great but he freely admits he was not mature enough or ready to marry his first wife and deliberately sabotaged the marriage.

It's no surprise really. Most men don't 'grow up' until they hit 40! 😂

My observation is the younger woman has the man wrapped around her finger and rules the roost. Not at all subservient. They demand more from them as fathers too. And the never to respond better

So becuase the chidl is difficult, it was okay for him to abandon her?

Could be a chicken and egg situation here - maybe she's rude and bratty because her dad disappeared?

My best friend is in a similar situation with her DH, he has a daughter in another country he rarely sees and never mentions, so I was worried when she married him and had kids. However he's a brilliant father to them, one of the best dads I've ever seen.

After meeting the daughter when she came over to visit I understand it more, she's obviously a very difficult child (rude, bratty, bullying, even to adults) and his other two are very different. I think perhaps the mother was the problem in that one.

We all learn by practice and mistakes so there can be an element of that, also second families often come later in life when people have settled into who they are and what they want.
Having said that I work in criminal justice and when I was a practitioner worked with many men who had children with multiple women, they didn't treat the last set any better than the first and sometimes it was worse as their behaviour and substance misuse had escalated by that point.

Was definitely the case with my own dad. He told my mother numerous times when we kids were small that he wished he’d never married and had kids. Fast forward to when I was a teen he left my mother for another woman who had 2 toddlers. He’s still there now. I don’t have much to do with him!

In my father's case - he left to be with the OW and couldn't bear it if it was for nothing or came to nothing - so he gave maximum effort to make it work. (I know this because he had got drunk, became maudlin and blurted it to his mates at a family BBQ not realising I was also in the room)

I was so angry with him that it was the fear of judgment from others was such a driving force that he projected a damned Disney show for all and sundry that second time around was absolutely perfect.

In effect, the second time around he worked very very hard at his relationship, he put his time effort and money............. so as not to feel judgment or shame.

Probably because if they walk out on one family then yes, it's shit, but he can make up excuses to make it seem less bad ie lie about how the relationship was over and they were just living together, lie about the ex being crazy/abusive/whatever, and they 'had' to leave for their mental health. So then they have to do their best by the second family and stick around. And if it doesn't work out with the second family, well everyone can then clearly see who has been at fault all along.

My husband and his ex-wife are both much happier in their second marriages.

Sometimes one relationship doesn't work and another one does.

He is the same person he was and, i suspect, the same father he was.

I think human beings like to see patterns where they don't exist.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway That's just not true for any remotely kind man who is financially solid. I know quite a few single middle aged women who would really like a partner and no single middle aged men because they get snapped up as soon as they're single. Men have a far greater choice if only because much younger women will accept them and the reverse isn't generally true.

DH has a man he's relatively good friends with. One of the reasons he's struggled to really become true friends with him is that this guy is a very hands on, involved dad to his two DS. Only, it turns out, he has two older DS from a previous marriage in another country. He left that country when they were very small and came here. We don't know exactly why or how, but DH can't get his head around a man walking away from his children like that.

Similarly my father's father abandoned him and my grandmother when my dad was a baby - my dad only met him a couple of times. But he went on to be married and have more children who appear to have had very good relationships with him. weird.

DS divorced many years ago after a good 20 years marriage,her ex remarried and she’s said many times he appears to be a much better husband/ father now than he ever was when with her and their kids, but as a result has become a better dad/ grandad to them