To think men often 'do better' for their 2nd family?

Most are with people their age.

Agreed. There was a 13 year age gap between me and my ex; we have since both repartnered with people closer to our own age (him, with a woman older than me but still 4/5 years younger than him, me with a man a year older than me but 11 years younger than him).

I don’t think there’s all that much of a market out there among young women for middle-aged divorced dads.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway Totally agree, most older men look awful and young women aren't interested. Only when the man has money and the woman is chasing that.
The older I get the more young men want a relationship with me, men my age and older men. I rarely see an older man with a younger woman and I work in cities, towns, know a lot of people. Most are with people their age.

@kaela100 Where are you looking? I can see men choosing much younger women for second marriages:

eu.aberdeennews.com/story/lifestyle/2014/12/30/men-choose-younger-wives-in-remarriage-but-women-choose-older-men-the-second-time-around/44965433/

The data doesn't support this. In most western countries straight men marry women their own age plus or minus 5 years. This applied to all age groups. The only time when this begin to change is for men who've been divorced more than 3 times.

However, yes for dating, older men aren't as discriminating and are open to dating much younger women. However this doesn't tend to result in marriages.

Good points, Why. My cousins were both in the “he’s the breadwinner / she’s SAHM” model of marriage. Both worked long hours to keep the show on the road. Both ex-wives suffered depression, being stuck with kids & running the home.

Both have now moved in with career women (and both had a new baby) who own their own homes. They’re still financially providing for the first mortgage & kids. But living free-of-charge in their new set-ups.

And yes, if the woman breaks up the marriage, then he’s often back to mum. I always feel for the bloke’s mother in this situation, she doesn’t want him either! Although seeing how my aunties are acting…

Both of my cousins initially moved into their mum’s until OW decided they wanted a baby, so allowed him to shack up. Now they have two families, two homes, two women (the ex is still very involved because of the kids). A lot of stress!

I think it’s the person who doesn’t initiate the break up that gets the raw deal.

if you’re the one planning your exit, you usually have your ducks in a row. Whether that’s a new partner, squirrelled away some cash, or other plans. You have the power and control. While the other partner doesn’t want to break up so remains trusting and doesn’t see what’s happening.

so yes, if a bloke walks out the woman is often left with the kids struggling. Often as a sahm or a pt mum.

however if it’s the wife that initiates the break up- I won’t say walks out as she normally stays in the family home- then it’s him who’s left back at his mums not seeing his kids full time, with no way of getting back on his feet financially and buying/renting somewhere.

it also depends on the finances. If you’re down south on an average salary, there’s no way that house can be sold to buy two properties. So one ends up staying and the other leaves with little. If you both have decent jobs you can support yourselves and things are much easier.

which is why I would never give up work or my financial independence. Dh walks out, or dies, I am fine financially. Same for dh, he supports me working and does his share of house and kids- now you might say that’s a second wife thing, but he learned form his ex when she wanted to be a sahm. He supported that as well, but found himself working shit loads of overtime to support them, plus she was (understandably) drowning in full time childcare and house around that, so he was working 7-3, picking the kids up to give her a break til they went to bed, then logging back on until midnight.

i wonder if first marriages tend to jump into the traditional, whereas second marriages less so as both parties are more independent/financially secure.

I think the first wife gets a raw deal in most cases. She’s often left with the kids, fending for herself.

The new wife / family are a chance to go a bit Disney Dad. It makes him feel better about his choices.

Both of my aunties are defending their divorcing sons, slagging the ex-wife (who they both loved prior to the break-up). The new woman (and baby) are on a pedestal. So is he!

Younger women like financially secure older
men.

If you see a pretty young lady with an old
man looking like he could be her dad or even grandad his either loaded (loaded in the sense of owning a house etc) or packing some amazing sex.

It’s a bit like those women who do admit to chasing married men with children. Oh well I know his a good family man… forgetting his not if his cheating but oh well.

They like them pre approved. So owning a house, raised children to a certain age, owns a newish car. Tick tick tick.

Where as middle aged up women, the ones I know who have had children and don’t want anymore who are separated are not really even looking for a new man. They are looking for fwb and the friend part being very loose they don’t want feels catching. They want the itch scratching on their terms and don’t need a man otherwise.

Men get more unappealing and less attractive as they get older. Women get more appealing and more attractive. And you are superdeluded if you think younger women are on the hunt for older men! 😆 That is a middle aged/older man's fantasy, (that younger women desire them.)

Completely disagree with all of this, tbh. Any older men who become single at my work are snapped up almost immediately, with plenty to choose between. Almost all get together with someone younger. Never seen that with any middle-aged women who become single in the same way.

More mature, learnt from their mistakes, more experienced with children, or in a relationship which is more healthy (considering the first broke down, if the second doesn't it's likely they're a better match)

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway Nah Mate, I'm really not. DH is 12 years older than me! If women get more attractive why is there a HUGE beauty industry based on preventing the signs of aging in women? There are lots of Dads at the schools are kids go to with fathers on their second family. Not a single mother who is on her second batch of kids. Men with money will always have options.

Nah mate. You're deluded. 😂

Men get more unappealing and less attractive as they get older. Women get more appealing and more attractive. And you are super deluded if you think younger women are on the hunt for older men! 😆 That is a middle aged/older man's fantasy, (that younger women desire them.)

Most young women find middle aged and older men repugnant, yet middle aged/older men often look for an attractive woman at least 15-18 years younger, and act like they deserve such a woman. Why would an attractive young woman want to go for a man who is old enough to be her dad?

Women have a much greater chance of finding another man after a relationship breakdown, than men do of finding another woman. That is why (as I said) men are nicer to their wives as they age, because as the men get older/ more bald/ fat/ unappealing, they know that the pool of women who will want them is tiny. Although as I said, many women are fine alone as they get older, and don't need a man. Men need women, and this is why they rarely leave a relationship unless they have a woman to go to!

My SC know it was their Mum's fault as well as their Dad's that their marriage didn't work and they actually like me, their other stepparent and my child with their Dad.

Not every Father's story is the same.

Makes me feel so sorry for the first round of kids, that they were just guinea pigs for these men.

But there are plenty of threads on MN to suggest some men run round like idiots after their first wives/children, giving a lot less to the second, probably due to guilt?

The second family don’t always get a better deal

Widower*

Weirdly enough, I don't know any men with second families well enough to judge. I know one divorced guy well and one widow. Both are in relationships but no more kids. I wonder if there is something in them not feeling pressured to have children the second time round, so they don't unless they really want to

@peudhrk

But what has that got to do with being a better parent? Are we saying men can only be good dads if they are happy, getting shagged etc? Somehow, most women manage to be good mums however their marriage is going.

Plenty of shite mothers out there too ya know

Stop it

First marriage is a mistake usually

There are actually good men out there..

Some men genuinely are. My DBIL has a DS from his previous marriage, he was a single dad when my DSis met him and she became her DSS’s main carer for a few years. She was a SAHM for those years, whilst she became a mum herself to 3 DC of her own. They were a very successful blended family.

Oh I should add - I have raised my two children practically alone .. his two previous children have very little contact with him now and he was never there for them either. I suspect my own two will grow up doing the same. Choosing work and business entertainment over family and many affairs in between.